The Adam Carolla Show has moved!

Mel Gibson Begs For Help!

2006-08-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH DOC WILLIAMSON, IVAN REITMAN, SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND REPUBLICAN RICHARD MARTIN

2006-07-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH DOC WILLIAMSON, IVAN REITMAN, SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND REPUBLICAN RICHARD MARTIN -- 5am to 10am PST, July 20, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 THE MORNING CHAT

Mike, 18 years old, calls in with a problem.

Adam tells a caller named Mike that he doesn’t want his kid to be hooked up with a girl he calls his “girlfriend” from the time of high school to college. Doug goes on to tell Adam that his girlfriend ended up getting herpes, and he himself just got tested and gets his results next week.

Adam tries to give Adam some advice, like try using a condom to make sure you don’t get infected, but Mike comes back with he “doesn’t like wearing a condom.” Adam tries to figure out why someone like Mike, who is 18 years old, would even call him to tell him that he doesn’t want the advice. Adam goes on to tell Mike that there are a lot of medications that his girlfriend can take to take care of the virus.

Dave chimes in and tells Mike to cut his girlfriend loose. They’ll probably go to college and the relationship will end anyway. Besides, at 18, herpes is a deal breaker.

Adam mentions that when people don’t agree with him, he believes that they are simply placed on earth to anger him.

6:27 DAG

Adam called David Alan Grier last night and told him about an animation on the net featuring him, Dr. Drew and himself. They were prepping for Jimmy Kimmel’s brother’s bachelor party.

6:31 DOC WILLIAMSON

Doc Williamson wrote the book “The Teenage Girl’s Guide to Better Sex.” He tells Adam that he comes from the world of entertainment and has no credentials for writing a book like this. He’s not an expert, but he feels he has his own point of view on the subject – especially regarding their knowledge to sex.

Adam talks to Doc and asks if the book teaches a girl how to properly perform oral. Doc says yes, and Dave chimes in with the fact that Doc says that teenage girls are best built to have babies.

Program Director Jack Silver comes in and tells Adam that he’s bored to tears with this conversation. Make with the sexy.

Doc tells Adam a story about what happened on another radio show. The point of his story is that if you can’t have a sexual conversation with your teenage daughter, how can you teach her about safe sex? Adam tells Doc that he thinks it comes back to teaching your children to be responsible. That covers them for every situation they come into.

Adam hangs up on the Doc, and a caller calls in and tells Adam that Doc is simply complicating the entire matter of youth sex. Adam tells Vic that it’s all about publicity: just create something controversial and work the circuit. The problem is that you still need to have something to say on the matter.

6:51 NEWS

US Marines touched Lebanese soil for the first time in many years.

A sixty-pound snake named Houdini swallowed a blanket and required 2 hours of surgery to remove the blanket.

Daniel Baldwin was involved in an automobile accident that brought authorities to the scene.

Kevin Smith directed Clerks 2 and it’s getting less than rave reviews.

7:06 SPORTS

Barry Bonds might get indicted today for tax evasion and perjury.

Mariners win in Yankee Stadium.

Dodgers lose.

Snakes win.

Milwaukee loses.

The British Open starts today.

7:22 A RE-ENACTMENT

It's time for Adam and Dave to do another one of their classic re-enactments. This time, they bring us a father and son. The father decided to illustrate to his son a tribal killing. He obviously intended to do it safely, but he was using a large knife, and he asked the boy to hold still. The boy didn't hold still, and didn't like it. The father accidentally stabbed the boy through the heart.

Adam and Dave act out the call from the father to the mother after the tribal killing went down.

7:39 IVAN REITMAN IN THE STUDIO

Ivan Reitman, producer of Animal House, Ghostbusters, and more recently, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, joins the program.

Back in the day, Adam points out, he and Jimmy Kimmel brought a script to Ivan where Kimmel would play a 33-year-old man who's never gotten laid, so Adam and others take him on a road trip to try and get him some action. Ivan told them it would never work -- that nobody would believe a 33-year-old virgin. And just recently, we had... The 40 Year Old Virgin. Massive success. Ivan doesn't remember that pitch, he says. How convenient, Adam retorts.

Who struck Ivan as the brains of the operation during their pitch, Dave asks? They both seemed very intelligent, and that's not pandering, Ivan says. "Then why did you yell at us, Ivan?" Apparently, they would be told to make changes to the script, and they would show back up, and the changes hadn't been made.

On to matters at hand -- My Super Ex-Girlfriend. Comes out tomorrow. Adam wonders, does Uma Thurman have any comedic chops? She's done a little comedy in Kill Bill, but can she dive into a full-on comedic role? She's a terrific actress, Ivan says

8:01 SEE YOU IN HELL

Adam has to pitch his movie idea, See You In Hell, to Ivan. After the pitch, Ivan has to be frank -- he was completely bored with that pitch.

8:07 MADE UP MOVIES

It's time to play Made Up Movies -- listeners call in and name movie titles, and Adam will invent a movie for them.

The Last Soldier. Remember all those instances of Japanese and other soldiers that were lost and forgotten in the war, and thought the war was still going on? Well, this is an American of the same genre. Now he's back in the modern society. Dave has an exciting twist -- he's a revolutionary war soldier, and he was frozen, and now he's in modern society.

The Panda Bear. This is a kooky adult animated comedy, Adam says. This is about a male partner who, when partnered with a female panda, will only accept oral. How about this instead, Dave says -- the Manda Bear. There's a panda bear that nobody will mate with, except for the lonely zoo keeper.

Ivan says he doesn't know what he's doing here. He doesn't know how they do this for three hours a day. Dave asks if they can pick a new title, and maybe he can come up with one? Ivan says no. Adam points out that Ivan doesn't actually come up with his own ideas, he just critiques others.

8:23 DEAF FRAT GUY

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, joins Ivan and the crew in studio. Maverick immediately presents Ivan with a new mini-funnel key chain.

Here's the pitch, Maverick says. There's a pitch, Ivan wonders? Yeah, here's the pitch. Animal House 2. It's a prequel, but here's the catch -- it's Back to the Future, so it's in the present day, the frat is Delta Fu, and you've got the Animal House dudes playing Maverick, Moose and Poochy. The opening scene, a guy is walking to class, and the camera pans out over the Quad. The guy drops. He's been shot with a potato gun, and we don't know who did it. Ivan likes this -- there's a mystery aspect to it. This is just depressing, Adam says, that Ivan shot down every idea he had, but he loves the Deaf Frat Guy.

8:39 SUGAR RAY LEONARD

Sugar Ray Leonard, championship boxer and quite possibly the greatest athlete of all time, joins Adam and Co. in the studio. Dave has to point out that Brusca had his pregnant wife get out of bed, find his Sports Illustrated with Sugar Ray on the cover, and bring it to the station so he could sign it. "Is that true," Sugar Ray asks? Yes, yes it is, Brusca admits.

This new show, The Contender, is a really fabulous take on the reality television idea. Instead of people having arguments and becoming contentious verbally, they take it to the ring and settle their differences that way instead.

Who would win, Dave asks -- Sylvester Stallone in his prime, versus Sugar Ray Leonard right now? Complete annihiliation, Sugar Ray proclaims. He'd beat you that bad, Dave says? Sugar Ray is shocked, as is Brusca. "OF COURSE HE WOULDN'T! SUGAR RAY IS A PROFESSIONAL BOXER! HE'S BEAT UP TWENTY OF THE TOUGHEST MEN IN THE WORLD!"

Now here's the real question. Sugar Ray's had twenty years in between championship titles. Can anybody ever pull that off again, Adam wonders? Sugar Ray highly doubts it.

During the break, Adam and Sugar Ray got competitive with the Hooters Punching Bag. Adam managed to pull in at the 520s, but Sugar Ray popped a 536. "It got pretty heated," Brusca chimes in. Dave adds that it was hard for Sugar Ray to punch with Brusca masturbating next to him. "I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF!"

9:19 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:25 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:35 REPUBLICAN RICHARD MARTIN

Richard Martin, Republican representative from the state of Ohio, joins the program. It's been quite a while since Richard has been on the show, Adam says, and so much has happened.

As usual, Dave has no idea why Richard is on the program. He doesn't fit the show, and he doesn't really share any ideologies with the listenership. Adam feels like it's good to offer alternative viewpoints to everyone.

Let's talk about the Kenneth Lay situation, Adam says. He passed away before he could ever serve any time. Poor, poor Ken, Richard laments. The man who taught us all that you can never have too many houses, and they can never be too big.

A listener calls in and argues with Richard over the issue of legalizing prostitution.

ADAM WITH DAVID ALAN GRIER, PEREZ HILTON, PATTON OSWALT, ROGER LEDERER, NICKY HADEN, PEREZ HILTON

2006-07-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH DAVID ALAN GRIER, PEREZ HILTON, PATTON OSWALT, ROGER LEDERER, NICKY HADEN, PEREZ HILTON

6:00 THE MORNING CHAT

Adam says he got into radio for the money, number one, but also to be able to exercise his sense of humor. Early on, he realized that there were a lot of dreams he had that he was absolutely no good at. He knew he could work with his hands and make $9 to $14 an hour, or he could take a chance and go where the money is.

There’s a bird expert calling in this morning. Adam notes that birds are smart, they’re mean, and they fly. Adam used to have a cat named Norman that birds would dive-bomb and torture when he grew up in the valley. He started thinking, if you can train a dog for protection, why not a crow? Most crows are smarter than Big Tad. They’re angry, their black and they come from above. Plus they’d work for food.

Bottom line: all birds are evil, mean creatures. Some birds, like doves, are nicer than others. But it’s a push. All birds are mean.

Crows would be perfect creatures for self-defense. And no one will care if a few crows get shot during a hostage situation. Plus, you’d think twice before you tried a nefarious activity. How could you tell which crows were the normal, everyday crow and the police crow?

Adam thanks Baha Fresh for dropping off food this morning.

6:25 CROW FACTS

Adam is looking at his list of crow facts. He was laughing because Molly is such a sweet dog and when she wags her tail, her whole body bends in the middle. His wife mentioned that the exterminator came over to the house and needed to have Molly put away before she could start exterminating the spiders living there. And Molly wouldn’t hurt a fly. He thinks it’s like people saying they don’t like other human beings because of being hit when you were a kid.

6:32 ROGER LEDERER

Rodger Lederer is a bird expert. Adam talks about some crow facts, like they can be taught to speak and can match primates in the intelligence department. He sees no reason why his crow plan wouldn’t work.

Roger tells Adam that Adam’s crow plan might work because birds can scare people. And they can do damage with their talons. Adam wants to know if you can train crows as a pet? Roger says definitely. They trained a lot of birds for the movie “The Birds” back in the 60s. And Roger tells Adam that he could definitely train the bird to know him by sight and swoop down on people if he was attacked.

Adam asks about crow temperament. Roger tells Adam that they tend to be aggressive birds. Adam looks at the pros: crows are black, they’re mean and they can swoop down from above. Plus Roger tells Adam that the crow could be trained to follow you in your car.

Roger tells Adam that crows have 100% mortality and will die within a week if they catch the West Nile virus. And also, federal law protects all birds although they may not be endangered.

6:50 NEWS

Violence continues in the Middle East. 8,000 Americans are supposed to be evacuated from Lebanon, and the State Department considered charging Americans for the cost of the evacuation, somewhere between $150 and $200 per person. A lot of them were tourists vacationing or visiting family. At this point in time, the State Department is picking up the costs.

Law Enforcement officials determined that Met causes more problems than any other drug.

John Cusack has a stalker: a 31-year-old woman. He was granted a restraining order.

Rock Star Super Nova last night. There was a bit of a judging controversy.

Christie Brinkley’s divorce scandal is getting worse.

7:06 SPORTS

Bryant Gumbel and Terrell Owens on HBO Real Sports last night for battle of the blowhards.

Bums over Snakes, 4-1.

Dodgers at 500.

Gigantics dumped Milwaukee.

Atlantics half a game up.

Seattle having a rough year so far. At least they have the best collection of names in MLB.

Dave introduces a new game. Being that he’s a master impressionist, he starts to play “Dave’s Sports Impressions.”

7:21 MR. BRIGHT SIDE

Adam plays a game of Mr. Bright Side with the listeners.

David has a problem because he’s 22, broke up with his girlfriend and he’s losing his job and hitting the booze. Adam tells him that you have to have the experience because without it, you would have an incomplete life. You need highs and lows.

Scott tells Adam that his girlfriend went completely psycho, they broke up and today is her birthday. Should he take her back? Adam tells Scott once your break up that’s it. The good news is that Scott didn’t get the HPV from her and he learned a valuable lesson.

Chris called in and has problems with his father and sister having cancer. Adam tells Chris that life is for the living, and there will be a lot of sympathy tail thrown his way at his sister’s funeral. If they go at the same time, he might get a two-fer.

Michelle calls in and she tells Adam that she’s hot. She’s been dating a plethora of guys, but now she’s dating a man who’s a lot older than she is. Adam says she should just call people and tell them that she’s hot.

7:50 PATTON OSWALT

Patton Oswalt in the studio, the reigning Celebrity Nerd-Off Champion. He’s here to talk about his D&D conquest last night, which lasted until about 12:30. He’s going to do a recap of his game last night in the Patton Oswalt Dungeons & Dragons report.

Patton says that there was a lot of tension last night because an astral dream walking form went through the catacombs and they had no idea how to get through the catacombs because the dream walking form could travel through walls. Needless to say, this caused a whole lot of problems.

8:08 THE JERK LIST

#6 Adam Carolla. Dave says keep your stinking feet away from me. And all men that wear sandals out into the general public are included!

#5 Terrell Owens and Bryant Gumbel for their talk on HBO last night.

Get out of dirt free cards:

Beef Jerky! Because so delicious you will overlook it has the work “jerk” in it.

#4 God. It’s horribly hot and spiders are everywhere and Dave is losing his hair and growing a fat gut!

#3 Julian. It’s the height of hubris to name a style of cutting vegetables after yourself.

#2 Headphone Cords. They get tangled and strangle you. It’s a malicious deed and an act of defiance.

Creep of the week:

Old people playing baseball games. 94-year-old Buck O’Neil got two at bats during an actual ballgame. He was walked twice. What if a 90-year-old man gets a hit and you can’t hit a simple ball coming out of a pitching machine? What will that do to yourself esteem?

Nathan, a 13-year-old, calls in to say he’s offended that Dave put God on the list.

8:28 DAVID ALAN GRIER

David Alan Grier is in the studio. DAG is excited today and saw the greatest movie of all time. It’s a movie about motorcycles. And he made People Magazine’s 50 hottest bachelors last year.

Adam tells DAG that he’s going to a bachelor party this weekend. DAG laughs saying that he’s going to a bachelor party with his wife and kids.

8:49 MORE WITH DAVID ALAN GRIER

DAG grew up in a house where he went to church a lot, so when he has a good day he gives thanks.

Adam says he has problems when you thank God for the tiny nickel and dime things, like the dome light turning on in the car, and treat it the same way as the big stuff.

Adam asks David about Nicky Haden. David says that Nicky is the greatest motorcycle racer living today.

9:04 NICKY HADEN

Nicky Haden is in the studio. He’s the best racer today in Grand Prix Motorcycle Racing. Adam talks to him and asks if this is like the formula one on two wheels. Nicky says that that’s definitely a good analogy.

Adam says that, unlike Nascar, the Moto GP takes a lot of skill to master.

9:23 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Dave and Teresa recap the news and sports headlines.

9:37 PEREZ HILTON

Perez Hilton stops by to dish the Hollywood dirt.

Christie Brinkley’s divorce scandal isn’t as big a deal as reported. For her, it’s just an enormous self-publicity jaunt. Every man cheats. It’s simply not as big of a deal as reported.

ADAM WITH THE METH HEADS, ALEC BALDWIN, SUNNY LANE AND ALIEN ANT FARM

2006-07-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH THE METH HEADS, ALEC BALDWIN, SUNNY LANE AND ALIEN ANT FARM -- 5am to 10am PST, July 18, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 CATCH IT WHILE THEY'RE FRESH

Adam has a problem with the idea of seeing a famous porn star in her 200th movie, or however many she's done. He would much rather see their first one, where they're just starting out, and they aren't all used up yet. Dave agrees, and he can see why -- you wouldn't want to pick up the hooker at 2am when she's been out with guys all night, you'd rather be the first guy of the night.

Does this mean Adam wants his women clean, as in, no tattoos or piercings, Teresa wonders? That's true, Adam says. Tattoos and piercings just don't do anything for him. Especially when it's a "period piece" porn, Dave adds. When they set the porn in the olden times, and it's all classy and what not, and then they've got tribal tattoos all over their arms, it sort of ruins it.

Think of it this way, Adam says. When you buy a used car, you pull the bumper stickers off. Adam wishes he could do that with tattoos and piercings on a woman.

6:24 THE METH HEADS UPDATE

Big Tad has hit the streets in Whittier, CA, to give us a virtual tour of the apartment where Sarah and Carolyn, the meth heads who called into the Adam Carolla Show, live. He's on the phone, still standing outside, and there's a very annoying dog sitting nearby, barking its' ass off.

It's a brown apartment complex, and it's a retirement home for ages 55 and over, Tad says. "They've seen that we're here, and they've opened the door for us to come in." What's it smell like, Adam asks? It's actually very cold in the apartment, and it smells like smoke. Tad asks Sarah, the mother, where her daughter Carolyn is. Adam's assuming she is sleeping, but apparently, she's wide awake and around.

There's a very small kitchen in the apartment, Tad says, but it's got a fridge and what not. Adam will give Tad a hundred dollars if he can find a box of Hamburger Helper. He can't find that, but he can find a can of Chef Boyardee and some cans of Natural Light. What about the drugs, Adam wonders? Tad can't see anything related to drugs around the apartment.

Neal calls in. He's almost positive that Tad will be able to find some marshmellow cream in that kitchen. Tad continues his search, but he's not finding this stuff, sadly. Adam wonders if Tad's ever been in a kitchen this long without eating something. One of those fake IKEA kitchens, maybe.

6:50 NEWS

Teresa covers the news.

7:00 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports, and plays a spirited round of NBA Player or Tech Stock.

7:19 ALEC BALDWIN ON THE LINE

Alec Baldwin, Adam's dear friend, comes on the line. Alec says not to seek the truth regarding whether or not they're truly friends, because it's Hollywood. Of course they're friends.

He's out in New York teaching an acting class, and then he's going to just vacation for the rest of the summer on Long Island. It's got to be nice having all that "F You" money, where you can just go off and do little side projects or vacation. Does he ever have to go back to the well, Adam wonders? Can he just F off, or does he have to sell his soul? The man's got his soul in a plastic baggy and he keeps it in the fridge, Alec says.

7:26 WHAT CAN'T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It's time for a spirited round of What Can't Adam Complain About? Call in, name a topic, and see if Adam can complain about it.

The first topic comes from Dave. How can Adam complain about Alec Baldwin calling in? Well, it's hard being friends with celebrities. There's a lot of pressure; almost too much. If they're bigger than you, are you hanging out with them, or are they hanging out with you?

Guacamole. He loves it, but it has more calories than cheesecake, and it comes from a goddamn tree.

A free high school bikini car wash. Like one of those 80s movies, Adam asks? Well, that's tough. But, they do ruin your expectations when you go to a real car wash.

Fifty-percent-off sales. To Adam, that's the same as "Order Now, and we'll throw in another Wondermop®." How good can the product be if they can just toss in two for the price of one, all of the sudden? It cheapens the product.

The Datsun 510. Well first, Datsun was Datsun for a long time, but it's really Nissan. And second, Datsun doesn't work on the ladies. When they hear that brand, it doesn't exactly wet the panties.

Being an athiest. This is an easy one. Being an athiest is good for everyday life -- when you're cutting people off in traffic, or screwing your neighbors over, or whatever -- you can do whatever you want. That's great, until life ends. Then you just go into the ground. No heaven, no hell, just the top of the coffin.

7:44 SUNNY LANE IN THE STUDIO

Sunny Lane, adult film star, joins the program, along with Yergei, a Romanian adult film producer. One interesting facet of Sunny's life, Adam says, is that before she got into adult film, she was actually a figure skater. Before that, she was a Yoga instructor. How the hell do you jump from that to porn, Adam wonders?

Yergei directs Sunny Lane through a scene.

8:20 TERESA'S SINGLE!

It's time to check in on Teresa's love life. She's single now, and there's been a lot of callers and posters online who would love to date her. But here's Adam's take. Be careful though, he says. This may be the sort of thing where you hear it, and you're fine with it, but on the way home, you burst into tears. She can handle it, she says.

Adam feels like Teresa's very smart. Too smart, though. She's up in her head, and people can't get her out of her head. Nothing can. So at first, guys feel like, "Wow this is great -- she's smart, and I can talk to her." But after awhile, it all falls down. She's too smart for them to talk to, and she's too smart for her own good.

A listener calls up. He feels like Teresa handles her relationship with Dave similarly. He's funny, and she's funny, but he can always hear Teresa finding fault with what Dave's saying. It's her job, she says. Brusca points out that Dave never finds fault with what Teresa says, though. Adam just loves that everybody on this staff hates each other. The only thing they can agree on is that they all hate Billy, he says. Yes, Teresa says. Billy brings them all together.

8:42 ARE YOU GAY?

It's time for everybody to play "Are You Gay?" You total up your points, and at the end, Adam will go over the scores and see how gay everybody is.

One point for every diet soda you drink per day.

Two points for every mock turtleneck you have in your closet.

One points for every yogurt in your fridge, of an exotic nature.

Two points for every alcoholic drink you've made in a blender this month.

Four points for having a squeegee in your bathroom.

Three points for each potted plant in your bathroom. (Deduct three points for every venus fly trap. Also, deduct three points for a pot plant.)

Ten points if you've seen anything in person, "On Ice." (i.e. Disney On Ice)

Three points for every kind of soap you own that's not in bar form. (Bryan asks for clarification -- hand soap as well? Yes, Adam says.)

One point for every pair of shoes you own above eight.

One point for everything you've gotten framed.

Five points if you've ever wrapped a gift in anything other than newspaper or tin foil.

Eight points for any custom stationary you've had printed up.

Thirty points if you own leather pants.

Fifty points if you've ever performed oral on a guy.

And finally, you can deduct five points if you've ever named your penis. If you named it Seth, however, you have to add five. Also, if you've named another guys penis, you have to add 25.

The scale is as such:

Below 20, you're definitely straight.
20 to 35, you're sort-of bi.
35 to 40, you're gay, but you're top -- a prison top. Butch gay.
40 to 50, you're gay, and you're bottom.
50+, and you're super gay. You're Board Op Bill.

As a control, Teresa played too. She scored a 137. Board Op Bill got a 102. It's proving to be an effective test so far, Dave says. Bryan the Sound Guy got a 24, because he framed two things in the last year. Also, he owns a lot of yogurt, and a lot of soap. He's very experimental, Adam says. Brusca got a low 20. Jack Silver got a -32. Dave got a 39, because he owns so many shoes.

9:16 ALIEN ANT FARM IN THE STUDIO

Alien Ant Farm joins the program, to perform their cover of Smooth Criminal for Adam and the crew.

Because of Teresa's new status as a single, they've also composed some lyrics for the first part of the song to serenade her with. They bust out a little bit of their Ode to Strasser.

9:47 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recap the news and sports.

ADAM WITH BILLY WEST, CHIEF THUNDERBEAR, THE METH HEADS, MEMPHIS MONROE AND SPORTS GUY BILL SIMMONS

2006-07-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH BILLY WEST, CHIEF THUNDERBEAR, THE METH HEADS, MEMPHIS MONROE AND SPORTS GUY BILL SIMMONS -- 5am to 10am PST, July 17, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 AN AVERAGE NIGHT

On Friday, Adam had to shoot part of his movie over at the La Brea Tar Pits. It’s just down the street, so instead of driving, he just walked over there. He managed to get back to the station at around 9pm that night. He kept hoping he’d walk out of the station and run into a drunken Jack Silver, who would think he was just now leaving. “ACE MAN! BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL!”

On his way back home, though, he had to slowly come to the realization that his night wasn’t going to be normal. “Oh, I wonder why there’s so much traffic?” He keeps driving. “Hmm, the traffic light is out.” He gets to his neighborhood. “Wow, nobody has their porch lights on?” The power was out in his neighborhood. So of course, he couldn’t get up to his house. They told him to just go drive around, and when he came back, it was the same deal. Finally, he just had to park his car at the bottom of the hill.

This morning, he took his wife’s car. He considered telling her, but eh -- he paid for it.

6:10 MONKS

Over the weekend, Teresa decided that she’d go to a monastery down by San Diego, where you meditate and you can’t talk for two days. Dave can’t possibly fathom why anybody would ever do that? Do you really need to pay someone to tell you to shut up?

6:25 THE PERILS OF OZZIE

Adam and Ozzie have been shooting a movie together for a month now, and it’s convinced Adam that Ozzie can never actually pronounce any word correctly.

6:25 OZZIE’S MOVIE REVIEWS

Oswaldo is in the studio to review the movie You, Me and Dupree.

6:46 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

6:48 STEVE ON THE LINE

Steve, childhood friend of Brusca’s, and the electrician from The Adam Carolla Project, comes on the line to tell everybody HIS solution to the crisis in the Middle East -- a big wall around the whole country that’s under siege. And maybe they can send Brusca over there with his fists of fury.

What about Adam’s plan to move everybody in Israel to Baja California? These guys took their land from other countries, why not give it back and move everyone there to Baja? Steve shouts him down -- we took California from the Mexicans, and we’re not giving it back to them, are we? Well, we sortof are.

7:02 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:07 THE BREAKFAST MEAT RANKINGS

The latest rankings are in for breakfast meat.

At number five, canadian bacon.
Number four, sausage links. NOT the patty, the link.
Number three, bone-in ham.
Number two, thick-cut bacon.
And, number one... polish kielbasa.

7:18 CHIEF THUNDERBEAR

Chief Thunderbear enters the studio to take a few calls and give a little relationship advice. Since he only speaks Choctaw, Teresa Strasser will be translating for him.

7:39 BILLY WEST IN THE STUDIO

Billy West, voice of many cartoon characters such as “Ren”, “Stimpy”, and a wide variety of voices on Futurama, joins the program. He’s done lots of voices, Adam says, but he’s always been a huge fan of when Billy was on the Howard Stern show.

When did Billy realize he could do all these voices, and make a living out of it, Adam wonders? He has no idea, he says. He remembers his mother would alternate between handing him AA pamphlets, and telling him that the telephone company was hiring.

Billy riffs as Tom Leykis and Howard Stern, and they get him to read a bit of the Star Jones diary as well.

8:18 METH HEADS CHECKING IN

Sarah and Carolyn, the meth heads who the show arranged to go into rehab, call up to the show to check in. They went to rehab in San Bernadino over the weekend, but unfortunately, they flunked out of the detox, and were sent home.

Carolyn couldn’t handle it because she can’t stand anything where she’s confined and unable to leave, she says. Adam feels like it’s because she just wants to get high.

Ultimately, he feels like they did what they could, and they tried their best, but the crew just couldn’t help out. Roger, the man who offered them a “rehab scholarship”, comes on the line. He says that he’ll be waiting for the next potential recipient.

8:40 MEMPHIS MONROE IN THE STUDIO

Memphis Monroe, adult film star, joins the program. Ozzie actually went out to the set of a movie she was filming last week, so he’ll be doing a review of that.

Adam discusses how much she might get for a film. She’s not one of those one-off players where she gets $5,000 for doing this, or $1,200 for doing that -- she signs a contract where she’ll do maybe 12 movies for about $200,000.

One of the more bizarre things to happen to her so far was shortly after her first Hustler spread. She was talking on the phone with her step-father, and in the middle of the conversation, he suddenly blurts out “I saw your Hustler spread, by the way.”

Ozzie and Memphis re-enact a scene from an adult film that, ironically, Memphis was not actually in.

9:16 BILL SIMMONS IN THE STUDIO

Bill Simmons, ESPN sports guy, joins the program. Last time he was on, he talked to Adam about doing a critique of the movie Face/Off. Now, he’s back to actually work through it, with Dave chiming in.

One big problem Dave has with this movie -- after they’ve already made the switch between Nick Cage and John Travolta, and the audience already believes the premise can work, Nick Cage’s character, who is really Travolta’s character, starts a conversation with his brother. And within 8 seconds, the brother has figured out what’s going on. Why is he allowed to realize that, but nobody else in the movie can?

9:36 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa, Dave and Bill Simmons recap the news and sports.

ADAM WITH DEL HAMPTON, JEFF ROSS AND NATHAN RIGGS

2006-07-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH DEL HAMPTON, JEFF ROSS AND NATHAN RIGGS -- 5am to 10am PST, July 13, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 FACE OFF

Today is going to be the first round of "Made Up Movie", a game where callers come up with the title of a movie, and Adam will come up with a plot for that movie. That's got to go on constantly, Adam says -- they have movie titles kicking around for years before they can come up with a plot. The biggest example of that? Face/Off. What they're telling Adam is, he could rip Dave's face off, slap it on over his own, go home and make love to Dave's wife, and she'd never know the difference.

A spider expert is also coming in, to talk to Adam about his arachnid problem at home. There's a way to make lemonade out of these spider lemons, Dave points out. Every morning when he leaves his house, he gets the spider web across the face, and when he gets home, he gets another one. He thinks of it as a starting line and a finish line for his life. He runs through the front door, breaks the tape, and cheers -- and television is his reward.

Tor calls in. Be glad you don't live in the Pacific Northwest, because there's a certain kind of aggressive spider that can only be killed with those little sticky traps. But the sticky traps barely work. And the spider killing spray actually indicates that it doesn't kill those kinds.

6:28 DEL HAMPTON ON THE PHONE

Del Hampton, the National Cluck-Off Champion, is on the phone. "Take that, Seacrest," Adam declares. "Sure, he's got Paris Hilton this morning, but we've got Del Hampton." He's from Arkansas, he says, and Adam adds that in Southern California, we don't make any sorts of noises, so this should be good. Del puts on a bit of his clucking for the crew.

When you win this competition, you get a whopping $125, Del says.

Are there any other noises he can make, Adam wonders? He can do "the dog that lives down the street, barking periodically while you try to sleep." Teresa thinks he must live in Koreatown, because she hears that dog all the time. He can also do a turtle, a.k.a. silence, and a mockingbird.

6:47 TERESA VERSUS HER BOYFRIEND

Adam breaks the news: Teresa is newly single. She's recently broken up with her boyfriend of three years, and she initiated the break-up, he says. It was going wrong for a while, she adds -- they were in marriage counseling for a year prior, and they weren't even married, nor do they have any children. When you're into that counseling and there's no children, it's a really bad sign, Adam says. Counseling is usually done on behalf of your children.

Is she looking for someone, Dave wonders? She is; she's lonelys. Marc, one of the web guys, points out that she's got no shortage of people looking to date her on the Adam Carolla Message Board. Will she date some of them? Yes of course, she says.

They take a few calls from guys (and girls) who want to date Teresa. One of the callers tells Teresa how damn cute she is, especially on her new show. "That show was cancelled, by the way," Teresa has to add. "The same week as my relationship."

Dave points out that there's two single people on this staff -- Mike August and Teresa Strasser. They definitely need to hook the two of them up, he thinks.
7:16 THE TWELVE WORST COMEDIANS

Teresa plows through the Maxim list of the 12 Worst Comedians.

7:21 NEWS

Teresa recaps the news.

7:26 MIKE AUGUST ON THE LINE

Mike August, the show booker, comes on the line. He's not sure why they want to put Teresa through such horror, by making her go out with him. It wouldn't be a good thing. Besides, why would they try to hook her up with him, when Jeff Ross is sitting right there in front of her? Well, he's got a girlfriend, Adam says. He's had a girlfriend for years, Mike points out, and nobody's ever seen the woman.

7:28 SPORTS

Dave plows through the sports news.

Jim Eriotis comes on the line. At 83, he's the oldest person to ever play a professional sport, and recently he got his first at-bat. He struck out, but he managed to get one off, which Dave feels like he could never do. He tells the story of how he got into this, and laments how at his age, most of the time, people want him to play with other people his own age. He'd rather play against the young kids, and feels like he can definitely hold his own.

7:45 JEFF ROSS IN THE STUDIO

Jeff Ross, comedian and Roastmaster, joins the program. His new movie Patriot Act, a documentary chronicling his U.S.O. tour experiences, hits shelves this week. First and foremost, does the U.S.O. tell you what you can and cannot say? That's the great thing -- they don't. You can say anything you want. You can make fun of the generals. You can say what the troops wish they could.

Unfortunately, Jeff won't be participating in the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner this year. Apparently, the last roast Jeff participated in was for Jerry Lewis, and Jerry had a heart attack on his way home. "Wow," Adam says, "you're like a jewish assassin. You can kill with words!"

8:02 MADE-UP MOVIE

It's time to play Made-Up Movie! You call in with a movie title, and Adam will make up the genre and plot of the movie for you.

A.J. is first up, with "Deep Canyon". How about this, Adam says: a free diver. Diving with no scuba tank. Let's use Charlize Theron for this, too. She wants to set the free diving record. But there's an obstacle. Dave thinks she's new to this sport, and the vets all hang together. She's an outsider, but she's got lungs like no other. They have to dive in the Marianas Trench, the deepest spot in the world. BUT! There's an underwater earthquake, and it sucks her down. And then she feverishly masturbates for 90 minutes.

Next up? Bounty Trucker. We've got a trucker, and he's haulin' stuff. What's he haulin', Dave asks? He's haulin' ass. It's Jan Michael Vincent in the lead role, and he uses that truck as a weapon. He could be the best, but he needs the guidance of an old master.

Justin calls up. "Turd Furgensen Strikes Again." Obviously, this is a mad-cap comedy, where a guy tries to start a frat at a Junior College. Obviously, you've got the evil dean and all the stereotypes. An evil conglomerate wants to buy the land and knock down the frat house, so he's got to raise money the only way he knows how -- a bikini car wash. Jeff Ross chimes in and wonders, why are they trying to save it? Maybe Turd is in love with someone who lives in a house next to the frat house. Maybe there's a smoking hot blind chick that lives next door. Dave wonders if David Schwimmer could play the lead in this? Adam was thinking more along the lines of Rob Schnider. Jenny McCarthy could play the blind woman who doesn't know how beautiful she is, Teresa adds.

Sal comes on the line. "Loose Cannon". This guy was the number one shock jock in the country, until he ran into trouble with the FCC, or maybe Scientologists. They run him off the air, so he has to go back to his native home of Plentywood, Montana, and he's forced to work at an A.M. station. There's the quirky cast of characters like the weather guy, etc., and it's very quaint. Far too quaint, Dave adds. It's a real fish-out-of-water story. Teresa suggests a line for the movie poster: "DJ. MIA."

Adam wants to declare a winner. Dave thinks nobody won this, but Teresa thinks Sal should take it home. They've got a whole box of porn as a prize to send out to him.

8:27 METH HEADS CHECK IN

Adam checks in with Sarah, the mother who called in for Mr. Brightside earlier in the week, that was worried about her daughter's drug problem.

8:53 THE SEANCE

Patty Negre is in the studio. She's a practicing witch, which Adam feels is more of a religion geared towards environmentalism nowadays. That's true, she says.

It's crazy in the studio right now, Dave says, because the windows are blocked, and all the lights are off, except for this red light. It's like they're developing photos in there, he says.

She knows there is skepticism in the room, but she needs everybody to keep an open mind. There's got to be a good energy in the room, so there's going to be some breathing exercises. They're going to try and contact Teresa's evil stepmother, who recently passed on, and incidentally, who hated Teresa.

The seance begins, after Teresa gives a quick run-down of her stepmother's evils.

9:20 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave go over the news and sports again.

9:27 THIS JUST IN

This just in: it's time to update the rankings on pizza toppings.

At number five, it's Sausage, which has increased in deliciousness.

Number four is the Onion.

Sliding in at number three, green peppers.

Pepperoni. That's such a cop out, Adam feels.

And number one... the meatball!

Teresa points out that he left off pineapple. There's still plenty of time left for any toppings not currently ranked to improve themselves, Dave points out.

9:38 NATHAN RIGGS, THE SPIDER EXPERT

Nathan Riggs, an arachnid expert, calls up to talk to Adam briefly about his pest problems. To sum up, Adam says, spiders are pretty much invincible, and he should probably either learn to live with them, or join forces with them.

ADAM WITH HIS DOG MOLLY, LARRY FLYNT, THE HOOTERS GIRLS AND A DOG PSYCHIC

2006-07-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH HIS DOG MOLLY, LARRY FLYNT, THE HOOTERS GIRLS AND A DOG PSYCHIC -- 5am to 10am PST, July 13, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 NOTICING THINGS

Webmaster Billy went out to the ESPY Awards yesterday, and Adam has to say, that award show seems like it must've been designed for Billy to be at. Dave wonders how narrow Billy's range must be to not know not only the ESPY Awards, but any of the celebrities that were going to be at it.

This brings up an interesting point, Adam says. There's a lot of people like Adam, in this business, who just soak up knowledge and information all around them, all the time. They're like sponges. Then, when they go to a party or an event of some kind, they squeeze themselves, and all of that information comes out. But there's always the people who are like, what does that mean? What are you talking about? That leaves Adam sitting there screaming "THE DITECH GUY! YOU KNOW WHO THE DITECH GUY IS! The fat guy who gets turned down for the loans!" For example, he and Jimmy Kimmel were at a meeting pitching a movie back in the day, and they kept mentioning Gallagher, and nobody else in the room knew who that was. The problem with that, is this: if you're the only one in the room who knows, suddenly you're the jackass.

6:07 MOLLY'S BIOGRAPHER

There's a pet psychic coming in today, so Adam's brought his dog Molly into the studio. When his wife Lynette found out he was going to be doing that, she had a lot of serious questions she wanted to ask the dog, like "does she like it better in Los Angeles than she did in Chicago?" Apparently, Adam says, his wife is a dog journalist.

What's strange, though, is how Molly behaved this morning. Usually when he wakes up, his wife is laying in bed sound asleep, and his dog is at the foot of the bed, also asleep. But this time, when he woke up, Molly woke up too, and followed him downstairs. And not only that, but she stayed down there the entire time -- she never gave up and went back to sleep. It's almost like she knew she was going in to work.

6:24 DIVERSITY TRAINING

Yesterday, Adam had to attend diversity training, and the show staff secretly recorded the session. It was a huge waste of time of course, Adam says, and he sees what they were trying to do with the secret recorder -- they were trying to catch him blabbing, even though he said he wouldn't -- but he didn't. They had to piece together a few different things he said and make it seem as if he was talking a lot.

The one thing that he did speak up on, though, was a question from a news reporter at one of the AM stations. They asked, "if there's been a rape in Torrence, and all we know is that it was a Latino male did it, can we say it was a Latino male?" The woman running the seminar said "No. You can't say that; there's far too many Latinos in Southern California to single out that group like that." Adam had to speak up at that point: "Why single out Males then? There's far more males than there are Latinos." Nobody had an answer, of course.

6:44 CORBIN BERNSEN ON THE PHONE

Corbin Bernsen, actor and snowglobe aficionado, is on the line. He's the man who was a vital link the barter chain for the man who traded a red paperclip for a house -- he traded a role in a movie for a KISS snowglobe. He tells the story of how it came to be. The great thing about this story, Corbin says, is that everybody in this chain of trading got something they really wanted.

What about the snowglobe collecting, Adam asks? How did Corbin get into collecting these things? He just loves them, and he's managed to amass over 6,000 of them, which he keeps in a warehouse out in Van Nuys.

7:05 NEWS

Teresa recaps the news.

7:16 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:32 PATRICE RYAN IN STUDIO

Patrice Ryan, pet psychic, joins the program. She's going to be doing a psychic reading on Adam's dog Molly, and Brusca's dog Bella. First, before that, Adam wants to know how Patrice came to be in this profession. For as long as she can remember, Patrice says, she's had this ability to communicate with animals. She never had any pets of her own growing up, but the neighbors all did, and she always seemed to just look at animals and know what was going on in their head.

She tunes in to Molly, and gives her a read. What happened at age 2, she asks? Molly is saying that at age 2, something traumatic happened. Adam says that a year or two ago, she was bitten by a rattlesnake. Incidentally, one week earlier, Adam's wife mentioned that she had seen a special on TV about a guy who trained dogs to stay away from rattlesnakes, and Adam scoffed.

There's new people at the house, Molly tells Patrice. Two, or maybe three new kids? There's two, Adam says, but what about this third? It's probably Ozzie, Teresa says.

Molly's also frustrated with Adam's hectic schedule, she mentions to Patrice.

They take a few callers who want readings done for their dogs, too.

A listener calls in and wants to know how Molly doesn't know where she lives, but some other dog managed to know that it needed surgery. Dave can clear that up, he says. It's not that the dog knew it NEEDED surgery -- it was more of an elective surgery. The dog wanted it.

Molly also feels like Adam's twins should be disciplined more, Patrice says. So if his wife comes in and witnesses him beating the kids, he can just say, "The dog told me to do it." Incidentally, the dog also thinks Adam should get more oral.

Big Tad saunters into the booth. Dave wants to know if Patrice can read the thoughts of the big animal standing next to her.

Overall, Adam feels like anybody can do what Patrice does, except that Patrice knows nothing about animals. She should definitely find another profession, he thinks -- anything, anything at all.

8:25 THE ANN COULTER UPDATE

Mike August, the world's greatest booker, is on the program. There's a lot of talent bookers in Hollywood, Adam says, but nobody books from within the building better than Mike August.

Ann Coulter's publicist has been in contact with him again, and is now claiming that Ann was trying to make a joke by saying that she was tight on time. Adam is adamant that if it can be determined that Ann was making a joke, he will absolutely apologize. "Maybe we should check the tape," he adds.

They play the tape, to try and figure this out. After checking on it, though, Adam just can't apologize. He can't hear what they're saying -- he detects no sarcasm.

Dave thinks that they can conjecture all they want, but they should get her on the air to speak for herself -- straight from the horse's mouth, as it were. Mike August says there's basically no chance of that happening, but he'll give it a shot.

8:44 BILLY GOES TO THE ESPYS

Webmaster Billy was sent out to the ESPY Awards in Hollywood yesterday, to do some celebrity interviews. Dave points out that Adam is defying the wishes of the staff by having Billy on the show, proving that he's indeed the boss.

Adam asks if Billy's going to throw us out to his clips, and Billy tells him that's his job.

Billy runs through his interviews. Teresa says they aren't that bad, but Dave asks, "What's good about them?" Adam has to point something out, though. He knows the entire staff despises Billy, but don't they all feel a little ashamed of hating a 17-year-old? Dave adds that he doesn't hate Billy; he's actually rooting for him.

A listener calls up and says that Billy should not get a break just because he's 17. They should let him have it. Adam asks if he thinks they should fire Billy? No, no, he doesn't think that, just that they shouldn't give him breaks.

9:18 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, joins the program, and he's accompanied by some Hooters girls. They're going to be throwing a big pledge party at the Hooters in Hollywood on Thursday, August 10th.

A listener calls in and has a problem with the Deaf Frat Guy website. Apparently, he just feels like it needs more content. Maverick tells him to send in more videos; he needs more content.

9:35 LARRY FLYNT ON THE PHONE

Larry Flynt, famed pornographic magazine publisher, comes on the phone to talk a bit about his new high-budget porn movies.

9:48 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recap the morning news.

ADAM WITH DANICA PATRICK, KYLE MACDONALD AND PEREZ HILTON

2006-07-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH DANICA PATRICK, KYLE MACDONALD AND PEREZ HILTON -- 5am to 10am PST, July 12, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 GIRLIES

Danica Patrick is going to be in the studio today. She's considering a jump to NASCAR, which would be pretty controversial, Adam points out, because NASCAR is typically a very good-ol'-boy sport. He's not quite sure why more women haven't jumped into this, and sooner -- we've had female drag racers, and female Indy car drivers, but no NASCAR drivers.

A listener, Steve, calls in. Danica would never have a chance in NASCAR, he claims. And he gives one reason -- NASCAR runs 38 weeks per year, and typically, Formula 1 runs 16 weeks per year. Well, great, Adam says, but Danica doesn't race Formula 1, she races Indy Car. "Go ahead," Adam prods him, "say 'yeah, but still.'" Formula 1 isn't even an American sport. Steve will concede that, but he still feels like Danica's 110-pound frame won't be able to handle doing as many laps as NASCAR requires you to do.

The thing about motor sports though, Adam says, is that anybody can do it. Now, not anybody can be a champion, but anybody can start doing it. Of course she'll be able to handle doing that many laps. It's not as difficult as it sounds. Don't turn everything into a sport, he adds. Just enjoy it. It's on TV, and you can watch it, and you can enjoy watching it, but that doesn't mean that it's a sport. It's a lot like that log-chopping competition, Teresa says.

Becky calls up. She doesn't feel like anybody can just start racing cars at 9 years old and grow up to race cars. One, not everybody has great hand-eye coordination. That's clear just by driving around, she adds. Well, if you're one of those people who attempts to lick an ice cream cone, and it ends up in your eye, you probably won't be a good race car driver, Adam says. But most people, you can take them and stick them in a race car, and they can drive around in circles. He's done it, he'll add, and it's not that big of a deal. You just have to adjust to the speed. But you do that incrementally -- you don't just jump in on day one and start going 200 miles per hour.

You can almost make a case that competitive eaters are bigger athletes, Dave says.

6:15 JUDITH REGAN

A listener calls up and has a beef with an interview Adam did on the show. He had Judith Regan on the show, and after bagging on her for years and years, he did a completely softball interview. That's true, Adam says, but he felt like if he'd started in on her, she would just shut down.

He tosses in that Loveline is terrible now that Adam left. Adam appreciates the sentiment, and adds that the group of people who don't like the fact that he took over for Stern is larger than the group that misses him on Loveline.

6:35 BILLY MUST ANSWER FOR HIS CRIMES

Webmaster Billy is called into the studio, to answer to Adam, Brusca and Teresa for his crimes against them. Apparently, Brusca says, Billy has been answering emails as Adam. He claims that he hasn't done that, so Teresa reads the text of one of the emails he's sent.

A listener calls in -- she's on the Adam Carolla Show MySpace, and she's actually received messages from Billy as Adam.

Another problem Brusca has is that Billy has posted disparaging things about Teresa on the Adam Carolla Message Board. If he apologizes to her, they will send him out to the ESPY Awards to cover them for the show. Unfortunately, he doesn't know what those are, but he apologizes anyway.

6:52 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian the 13-year-old comedian calls up and does a little comedy for Adam and the crew.

6:55 THE JERK RANKINGS WITH DAVE DAMESHEK

It's Wednesday, and The All-Star Edition of The Jerk Rankings are upon us.

First up. Eckstein. The shortstop of the St. Louis Cardinals is a little guy with moderate physical ability, whos enormous heart took him all the way to the Major Leagues. Five-foot-three, pasty white... some call you an All-Star, but Dave says... JERK!

Next. Joe Mower for being too good of an athlete. Qualified for starting quarterback of Florida State University, AND making the cut as a catcher in Major League Baseball? You're no Bo Johnson, sir. JERK!

As many know, Dave does not work alone -- he has his Urukai out, watching over the lands, making sure no jerks slip through the cracks. Goldwing Tom from The Adam Carolla Message Board has two good ones. North Korea and Kim Jong Il, for firing missiles on the Fourth of July. And second, Kenneth Lay, for dying before he was actually put into prison.

And now, the Get Out of Jerk Free cards. Number one is God. Dave was worried that it was going to rain while him and Jimmy Kimmel were in Pittsburgh. So, God gets a Get Out of Jerk Free card. "Enjoy it," Dave adds. And another Get Out of Jerk Free Card goes to Mr. Jimmy Kimmel, for getting tickets to the All-Star game for Dave's family.

Back to the rankings, though. Next up, is Mr. Jimmy Kimmel. After Dave went with him to his hometown of Pittsburgh, PA, showed him a good time and opened every door for him... he came on the show and talked trash. JERK!

And now, the Creep of the Week. The other day, Dave was hanging out with his wife Cindi, who's working on a Comedy Central show. He ran into David Koechner, who was totally cool -- he went to give Dameshek a high five. And Dave missed. So, he's going to make himself the Creep of the Week.

7:13 NEWS

Teresa covers the news.

7:24 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:37 PEREZ HILTON IN THE STUDIO

Perez Hilton, the Hollywood Gossip Queen himself, joins the program to do his Hollywood Happenings report.

8:00 KYLE MACDONALD ON THE PHONE

Kyle MacDonald is on the line. He's the man who traded a red paperclip for a house. The driver behind this was simple: he came up with a ridiculous idea, and spent an entire year doing it.

It started with one red paperclip, which went to a pen shaped like a fish, traded that for a doorknob, then a doorknob, then a 1000-watt electric generator, then a beer keg, an I.O.U. to fill the keg with beer and a Budweiser sign, but that went pretty quick for a snowmobile, and then a trip to Yak, British Columbia, which traded for a large van, and then a recording contract, which traded for an afternoon with Alice Cooper, that swapped to someone for a KISS snowglobe, which someone traded for a movie walk-on. The movie walk-on was traded to the Town of Kipling, Saskatchewan in exchange for one house and a key to the city, and the walk-on role will be auctioned off.

"That's a weird story," Adam points out.

8:18 MR. BRIGHTSIDE

It's time for Mr. Brightside -- people need to call in with their problems, and Adam will put a positive spin on it. As long as someone has a worse life than you, Adam adds, you can feel better about your own life.

Sarah calls in. Her daughter is on crack, and she's very mean -- she blinded one of her eyes. Only one, Adam points out. You've still got the other one, so at least you can still see. And at least she's not fat, because she's a crackhead. Sure, she's turning tricks and hitting the pipe, but she can't go anywhere but up from there. Crack doesn't really do a ton of long-term damage, either, not nearly as much as booze. The way she talks, Dave wonders if maybe Sarah is upset because her daughter smokes HER crack, not just crack in general. Maybe though, she has some sort of impediment, Adam says. She does have dentures, she adds, and she's had a heart attack and a stroke. He's got to put her on hold, and tell everybody else that's called in to go ahead and hang up, because their problems all pale in comparison to Sarah's. He hates to do this, but he has to know, does Sarah think there is a heaven? She says she'll find out very soon, because she's 72. Adam has to say, he's looking forward to her going on to the next existence.

He needs Sarah to get her daughter on the line. She's sleeping, Sarah says. She's got to get on the line, Adam says, so he can talk sense into her. He doesn't like what she's doing to her old lady. Sarah says she's coming to the phone. The daughter, Carolyn, comes on the phone. Carolyn says she has been hitting the crack pipe, but she's trying to stop. It's been about three days since she's done any. Adam tells her, she's breaking her mom's heart. She's scared, she's worried, and she needs her to stop. "Think of it like an intervention," Adam says, "on the radio." He wants to get her some help.

"It's not crack," Carolyn points out. "It's meth." Adam wants to get Dr. Drew involved in this, and get her some help. Carolyn has to add that her mother Sarah does all of this as well. She does meth, she does booze, she does it all. Her mother is spinning out of control with substance abuse as well, Adam says. He wanted to help them out, but now he's starting to feel like this is a complete disaster. Maybe they should just throw a molotov cocktail through the window and claim the insurance money. How does she get the money for all this, Adam wonders? Carolyn is on disability, because she's an attempted murder victim. Her husband was a long-haul trucker, and he tried to kill her. Dave can't hold it in, and he starts laughing. This is the darkest story he's ever heard in his life.

Roger comes on the line. He runs an addiction clinic in San Bernadino, and he wants to put Sarah and Carolyn through his program free of charge. It's a 90-day program, and he feels like he can get them cleaned up. Adam wants the two of them to go to this program together. Carolyn says they can't both go, though, because they have a cat. "I'll take care of the cat," Adam tells them. "I'll give it a home."

Overall, Adam says this has been the world's worst life. Well, no. It's been the world's worst half of a life. It doesn't have to all be bad. He wants them to go to this program. She's not familiar with Adam's show too much, so she's not sure. Teresa says, don't worry -- Adam can take good care of the cat.

Sarah comes back on the line. Adam points out that she didn't tell him she was a boozer or a methhead. "My daughter is a pathological liar," she says, before admitting that she does occasionally drink. Let's get both of you into rehab, Adam says. Sarah doesn't want to get clean though, she says. If not for herself, though, do it for your daughter, he pleads.

Adam's going to put them on hold, and he wants them to talk to Roger. Sarah agrees.

9:06 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recap the news.

9:28 DANICA PATRICK IN THE STUDIO

Danica Patrick, the first female Indy Car driver, joins the program. Dave loves that she's unapologetically girlie, first and foremost. Teresa checks out the ring she has on her finger, and is in awe. "JESUS CHRIST," Adam exclaims. "Don't you ever go around my wife with that ring." Her husband's a physical therapist, and Danica claims he's got a lot more money than her right now.

What about this rumored switch from Indy to NASCAR, Adam asks? What about it, Danica replies. Does Adam think she should go? It'd be a big splash, he says, even though Indy is more exciting than NASCAR. Honestly, she says, she loves Indy Car, and she wants to win. She doesn't feel like she's had enough time there yet. There's been interest in the NASCAR camp, and she's got some interest, but she just isn't ready to do it just yet. It's good to know that she's got the option though. Dave has to point out that if she went, she'd be one of the top three or four sports stars in the world. NASCAR is on the rise, and she's on the rise, so why not do it? Well, it'd be like that for her if she went later too, she tells him.

Someone wrote down a question to ask... how did Danica get into racing? Well, how did you get into racing, Adam asks her. She grew up in Illinois, and they needed something to do as a family, so they decided to all race go-karts. She got into go-karting, and took to it.

ADAM WITH JIMMY KIMMEL, LEONARD MALTIN, JACK SILVER AND TARIQ NASHEED

2006-07-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH JIMMY KIMMEL, LEONARD MALTIN, JACK SILVER AND TARIQ NASHEED -- 5am to 10am PST, July 11, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 COUNTING WORDS

Adam wasted a couple words before the show started, accidentally. Many people don't understand, he says, but he spends hours preparing for the show before it goes live, and he counts up the number of words. He just used up a couple of them. Now they have to break early.

An interesting note, he adds, is that he gets paid for talking, so now, when he's talking, he wants money. No matter where he is, or what is going on, he needs to get paid. Teresa is curious -- does that mean that when he's at home talking to his wife and her friends, he just doesn't talk? No, he says. It means he asks them for $8 before he'll talk. And they have to run it by his agent, because he's repeatedly stated that he needs to wet his beak any time Adam talks.

6:05 FIRE!

Last night, Adam's buzzer rang at his house. He picked up the phone, and it was someone out on the street, screaming into his squwak box to "CALL 911! YOUR NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" Unfortunately, this put Adam in a weird position. In the past, his neighbor has been a dick to him. And due to this, Adam had proclaimed, "If that guys house was on fire, I wouldn't do anything about it."

Of course, he wanted to just point out the window and laugh maniacally, because this is apparently what he wanted. But, there would be a witness to his not calling. So of course, he gave them a call. Turns out, it was just the tree in his neighbor's yard that was on fire.

As an aside, it was loud. Fire is just loud, Adam says, with all the crackling and what not.

6:11 PITTSBURGH

Dave Dameshek is back from Pittsburgh this morning, and he proclaims that he had a glorious time at the Celebrity Softball Tournament. Did any work go on there, Adam wonders? Did he maybe... do any celebrity interviews? Well... no.

6:24 BIG TAD'S FAT ANNOUNCEMENT

As many may remember, Big Tad received a child support letter in the mail a while back. He wasn't able to talk about the ongoing process on the air, because his lawyer advised against it.

But now, he's received the results of the paternity test.

The results indicate that Big Tad is... not the father of the child!

Adam is really confused by that. Did this girl really think that Big Tad was the father, or was she just hoping that Tad wouldn't check it out? He thinks she really thought the kid was Tad's. Teresa points out that Tad looks a bit disappointed. He is, a bit, he'll admit. Now that he knows he can "do it right," once he finds that special someone, he knows he'll be able to do it.

This is a sign that Tad might be shooting blanks, Dave says. That's definitely a challenge, Tad says. They need to do have a competition -- Dave vs. Big Tad -- to see who's got the speed, and the count. They'll work the details of that out later, Brusca says.

6:35 LIMERICK WARS

Brandon Dameshek and Sir Mark the Poet continue their limerick showdown.

Both of them turn in a solid effort, Adam feels, but he has to give it to Brandon once again.

6:51 ICONS

Adam's not sure why people like Bob Dylan so much. It's the same with Prince. Dave points out that Adam has really interesting opinions on this sort of thing. It's not that he doesn't respect them, Adam adds. It's just that he feels they get too much love showered on them.

7:05 COULTER V. CAROLLA

The show is getting a lot of feedback about Adam hanging up on Ann Coulter the other day. He really feels like people are giving him more credit than he deserves about it, though. He's seen her stirring up headlines lately, and he's seen her deep in cable once in a while, but other than that he doesn't really know her, and nobody seems to like her. He's not afraid of her, and he doesn't find it courageous at all to hang up on her.

Ann did make the rounds a while back, and for the most part, everybody was respectful to her.

7:10 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:20 SPORTS

Dave goes over the sports news.

7:24 GUESS THE PORN STAR

It's time to play a round of Guess The Porn Star! They'll play a clip of a porn star "in the heat of the moment," and the caller will have to guess which porn star made the noise.

7:36 JACK SILVER IN THE STUDIO

Jack Silver, the programming director at FREE FM, joins the program. They've been on the air about six months, and he's got tons of feedback for the show.

One thing Jack seems to dislike is Billy. Definitely, Jack says. He's got a lisp -- does anybody notice this? He lacks those "golden tones" you want to hear in a radio personality. What about the guests? Do you like the Mike August guest choices? Mike, try booking someone we've heard of, Jack says.

How about the cursing? Adam's used to night time radio in the "safe harbor", so he's got to get used to things. Yes, it's much different in the morning. Can't say the B word, or the C word, or the F word, or the Q or U words, obviously.

Deaf Frat Guy is great stuff, Jack says. Gotta have more of him. And more strippers. Sex it up.

7:50 WHAT CAN'T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It's time for a spirited round of What Can't Adam Complain About? Listeners call in and throw out a topic, and Adam will bitch about it.

Damien comes on the line. The artist formerly known as Prince is now a Jehovah's Witness, so he doesn't have to celebrate holidays with Adam's kids. That's just one more reason to hate him, somehow. How can people dressed like him be religious at all, anyway? And why does religion seem to be the territory of blowhards and jackasses?

Mike calls up. Women get pregnant and carry children for nine months, and not men. Well, they've been doing it since there were women. There's no way men would let that go down for nine months. By now, we would've had it shaved down to six months. Women just love to milk it for that long.

Wes checks in. Apple pie! Dave tosses in an intrigued "hmm." Okay, yes, Adam loves apple pie. He loves apple pie a la mode, as well. "You're stalling, Carolla! YOU'RE STALLING!" Dave shouts at him. Teresa agrees; don't let apple pie stump you! Adam lets loose -- IT MAKES YOU FAT! You can't eat it if you're on a diet! It's torture! He'd be a much happier person if he hated pie!

Steve calls in. Tera Patrick's breasts. They won't be in the studio today. She's a natural D cup, too. Can't complain about that part of it -- ESPECIALLY on anasian.

8:07 JIMMY KIMMEL ON THE REMOTE

Jimmy Kimmel links up to talk a bit about his and Dave's trip to Pittsburgh. As many know, Dave is from the city, and he goes on at great length about it constantly.

When he and Dave got to Pittsburgh, Dave had this entire trip planned out. They started out at a restaurant that Dave picked out, that inexplicably, he had never been to. It was terrible. And after that, Jimmy learned quickly that Dave knows absolutely nothing about Pittsburgh. "UNTRUE," Dave shouts.

Jimmy and Dave rant about the Celebrity Softball tournament. Ultimately, though, Jimmy feels the highlight of the trip was uncovering the biggest fraud of the century -- Dave having no knowledge of Pittsburgh.

8:25 LEONARD MALTIN IN THE STUDIO

Leonard Maltin, famed film critic, joins the program. Adam loves film critics, and he thinks it's because he's secretly jealous of the job. Leonard gets that all the time, and he has to say, sometimes it's just a job. Nobody wants to hear that, though. When you get paid to watch movies every day, nobody wants to hear your griping, he adds.

What's your all time favorite movie, Adam asks? Casablanca, despite Oswaldo's butchering of the famous line. Do you still think there's a place for movie theaters, he wonders? Absolutely. There's nothing like the theater experience. Adam agrees, and he wonders if maybe, with this home theater setup we're all switching to, the joke is on us. In addition, theaters are a place to be. You can take a date to the theater. It's not the same if you just take a date to your home theater.

It's time to play a little movie trivia with Leonard. They've lifted quotes from his movie review book, and they're going to have Mike Dawson begin reading the description without saying the title. He'll be playing against a caller. Whoever can figure out which movie the description is of first, wins.

8:59 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, joins the program. He was originally coming in to hook up with Tera Patrick, but she missed her flight, so she's not going to be in. Maverick gives a low key "hell yeah." Dave points out that Maverick seems pretty bummed out about Tera not coming in.

Even though she's not in, Maverick still wants to audition and see if he'd be able to be in a porn movie.

9:06 BILL DWYER CALLS UP

Comedian Bill Dwyer calls into the show. He's off Last Comic Standing now, thanks to Adam. Not that he feels like it was an injustice. Adam says they need to bring Bill into the studio to lick his wounds. Teresa says that'd be awesome, because she's a huge fan of Bill. Bill says that's great, and congratulates Teresa for making it to radio. "It's been a long fall," she says.

9:18 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:31 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:46 TARIQ NASHEED IN THE STUDIO

Tariq Nasheed, former hustler turned best-selling author, joins the program. He's written several books on being a "mack", so they've brought Intern Jaron and Webmaster Billy into the studio for a little advice.

People always ask Tariq, "can white guys be players?" Of course they can, he says. Back in the day, white guys were super cool. Guys just were in general. Nowadays, if guys try to be macks, it's almost illegal. For example, if he turned to some girl in the studio and said "Hey baby, I want to get with you," she'll march over to human resources.

The number one rule always, is "have confidence."

ADAM WITH BILL SIMMONS, BRENT JORDAN, CHRIS PAINE, CHIEF THUNDERBEAR AND TOM BURBINE

2006-07-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH BILL SIMMONS, BRENT JORDAN, CHRIS PAINE, CHIEF THUNDERBEAR AND TOM BURBINE -- 5am to 10am PST, July 10, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 BILL SIMMONS

Bill Simmons, sports writer for ESPN, is sitting in for Dave Dameshek this morning. There's not a white man alive who doesn't read his sports column from their work computer every day, Adam thinks. On that note, he wonders if the advent of computers has really made people more productive at work, or if it's just killing us.

Teresa seemed happy to see Bill, he says. She may go one entire day without being told to F herself.

6:06 NOSTRILS

This morning, Adam had this problem, which he has frequently -- one nostril sealed closed with phlegm and snot, and the other as wide open as a black athlete's nostril. He blew the world's largest snot rocket in the parking lot to open the other one up. How does that happen? Bill asks him if he sleeps on his side. Ooh, ooh -- Adam perks up. He does indeed. That's probably it, Bill says.

6:22 MAKING FRIENDS

It's funny that all of Adam's new friends are into things like rotisserie baseball, when all of his old ones were into drugs and not working. It's funny when he's over at Kimmel's, too, watching a game or something, because he'll look around and see all these people who are dressed the same, and have no idea who is who. For example, he will be sucking up to someone for hours, because he'll think that maybe they are some FOX Sports executive. But it'll turn out that they're just one of Brusca's JO friends who works at a car wash.

6:29 BRENT THE BOUNCER

Brent Jordan comes on the line. He used to be a bouncer at a strip club, and eventually went on to hold every sort of job you can hold at one except for stripper. He's written a book called "Stripped", all about the seedy underworld of strip clubs.

One of the dark sides of the strip club industry, unfortunately, is racial profiling. The sad truth, Brent says, is that a caucasian male will not stay at a club that he feels is mostly black, or mostly hispanic, etc. So, the bouncers had the instruction to prevent too many minorities from entering the club.

Teresa needs to ask -- how do stripper auditions go? The best way, Brent says, is to have them work a few hours in your club. There's more to being a stripper than just being hot, he says. Adam says he's got to put him on hold so he can talk about him. There's no way that a stripper needs anything except a hot body. Teresa has to add that she thinks maybe he's referring to the way they can work people to squeeze more money out of guys. Exactly, Brent says. If you're up on stage, you might make $20 in singles. If you're at a table, you can make $500 an hour.

What's the policy on cutting strippers loose, Bill asks? Is that tough? It's very difficult to tell someone that they can no longer do what they do, Brent confirms.

6:54 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:05 SPORTS

Bill Simmons covers the sports.

7:20 MO DAMESHEK CALLS IN

Mo Dameshek, Dave Dameshek's mom, calls in to talk about Bill's sports. She loves Bill, she loves his articles and his column. Bill is shocked -- Dave's mom reads his column? Adam knows why -- Dave was probably mentioned in one of them, once, so now she reads it every day.

She thinks that Bill is doing a fine job, though.

7:25 OZZIE'S MOVIE REVIEWS

Oswaldo is in the studio to review Pirates Of The Carribbean 2.

Overall, this movie left the reviewer cold.

7:41 CHRIS PAINE IN THE STUDIO

Chris Paine, the director of Who Killed The Electric Car?, joins the program. His film focuses on the first modern production electric car, the General Motors EV1. It's not a bad looking car, Adam admits -- it looks pretty futuristic, but stylish. And it's totally quiet. Well, what happened to them, Teresa asks?

The thing that happened is very peculiar, Chris points out. They were all leased to their users, and after a while, they were all yanked off of the road. Nobody was ever given the option to purchase them.

One fact that most people don't understand is that the electric car was actually sporty. The GM EV1 could actually go over 180 miles per hour, and it could go zero to 30 in a couple of seconds, and zero to 60 in seven seconds. The range was shorter, but they were zippy.

The movie is structured a bit like a murder mystery, Chris says. Something they discovered while investigating this was that the EV1 never required maintenance -- there was no aftermarket. It was just a battery, and a motor.

A listener calls in. Considering that most of America's power comes from burning coal, is it more efficient or less efficient to charge one of these cars up? Chris points out that this show has some smart listeners. The oil companies did indeed go after this argument, but study after study showed that you really do cut pollution, even if you have lots of dirty coal. You don't get all of the tailpipe pollution, so it can cut output by half.

8:01 CHIEF THUNDERBEAR'S DATING ADVICE

Chief Thunderbear comes into the studio, to give a little dating advice to callers. Teresa is going to be translating for him. She dated a guy who was part Choctaw, so she's pretty sure she can do this.

8:22 ADAM AND BILL REVIEW "CON AIR"

You can always review movies that people have never seen, and movies that aren't going to come out for a while. But, Adam thinks it's better to review movies that people have all seen already. So today, he and Bill are reviewing Con Air.

8:48 JUDITH REGAN IN THE STUDIO

Judith Regan, celebrity publisher, is on the program.

Listener Patrick calls in with a question. How does one go about getting published through her? Well, it depends on what you're writing, of course. But first time authors tend to be through small time publishers. Of course, Judith is blowing up now, Adam says.

How was Stern to work with, Adam wonders? He was great, absolutely great, Judith says. Better than Dr. Drew? Well, they were about the same, she says.

One of Judith's clients is actually the niece of Osama Bin Laden. They want to do some kind of a reality/behind-the-scenes documentary of her life, and how it's affected by her relation to Osama Bin Laden. She had to change her name after 9/11, because of all the pressure from those who realized she was related.

9:13 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:24 SPORTS RECAP

Bill Simmons recaps the sports.

9:35 TOM BURBINE ON THE PHONE

Tom Burbine comes on the line. He's the man who has named an asteroid after Adam, and in the past, he has donated $15,000 to the Tsunami Relief Fund in exchange for a guest spot on Loveline for one night. It was awkward for Tom, because he had donated $15,000, Adam had donated $5,000, and Dr. Drew had donated nothing. And he stood by it.

The reason he wanted an asteroid named after Adam and Drew was because they've never received any kind of recognition or rewards for their work on Loveline. Some other people who have asteroids named after them are Einstein, Magellean, and Tea Leoni. Adam thinks he really should've stopped at Magellean.

9:48 ASSKISS RODEO

Intern Kyle wants to play a round of Asskiss Rodeo with Bill Simmons.

ADAM WITH PETER GUBER AND BILL SIMMONS

2006-07-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH PETER GUBER AND BILL SIMMONS -- 5am to 10am PST, July 7th, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 THE WORLDS BUSIEST DAY

Adam has declared that today is the World's Busiest Day for him. He's got to do the morning show, then he's got to run off and do the movie. After shooting the movie all day, he's got to high tail it over to Hamer Toyota to do an appearance.

When he was leaving the house this morning, he told his wife "If all goes well, I should be home around 9pm tonight." She replied "Be quiet, you'll wake the kids." He was miffed; he doesn't give a damn if he wakes those kids, because if they do wake up, they aren't going to go anywhere.

6:05 THE SPIDER UPDATE

As many may remember, Adam talked at length about his spider problem on yesterday's show. Last night, Adam had to kill a huge spider in his bedroom before he went to bed, and then he proceeded to walk through a 20-foot web. Dave hates that, because for hours afterwards, he'll continue to "feel the spider on him."

6:06 FECAL MATTER

Dave noticed a sign in his neighborhood reminding everybody to pick up their dog's feces. He has to reiterate -- if aliens saw that, they would assume that dogs were the masters of the planet. Adam agrees. If we're picking up their crap, who is really in charge? That's why you've got to give cats credit, he feels. They bury their fecal matter. Who else does that? Even human kids can't figure that one out. Not only do cats bury their fecal matter, but they can clean themselves, Teresa adds. They all agree -- cats are truly a class act.

The point of this talk, Adam says, is that cats get a short shrift. Dogs poop everywhere, and they don't even perk up when you come home half the time, and all that. But cats do what they can to be self-sufficient, and then they are still appreciative of you. But people are too stuck up to admit that cats make better pets.

A listener calls in and tells Adam that his cat is trained to use the toilet.

6:27 CRAPPY IS RELATIVE

Your friends from high school are only considered losers if they've had the same crappy job for more than six or seven years,

6:28 THE PRE-SEXUAL AGREEMENT

The pre-sexual agreement is a short-form contract designed for celebrities, to allow them to engage in some "casual sexual activity" with the peace of mind that they can't be accused of rape. It was inspired by the Kobe Bryant case, and invented by Ron Skoler. Adam wonders how much of this rape accusation is going on that we don't hear about. It goes on quite a bit, Ron says.

Teresa wonders if this document has ever had to stand up in a court of law. It hasn't yet, he says. Adam figures it's sort of a preventative maintenance thing. Once they sign it, they feel like they don't have a leg to stand on.

Admittedly, this contract is not romantic, and it might be a little bit of a mood killer, Ron says. Well, a condom isn't romantic either, Adam adds. And neither is a lawsuit, Ron points out.

6:49 MR. BRIGHTSIDE

In a twist on the usual What Can't Adam Complain About?, Adam wants listeners to call in and complain about their problems, and he will try to put a positive spin on them. As Dave points out, though, Adam isn't nearly as good at this as he is at complaining.

Rudy calls in. His fiance won't let him look at porn, and she's getting fat. Once she's officially fat, he won't have to worry about her cheating, Adam starts in. And of course, fat chicks, while not easy on the eyes, but they become more serviant, as their self-esteem drops. You want someone with a broken spirit. Take the husky chick. She essentially becomes your mate.

John-Paul comes on the line. He took his dogs to work, and while he was away, the dog bit one of the Mexican day laborers. The guy had to go to the hospital, and now of course John-Paul has to foot the bill. Well, number one, Adam says, day laborers don't exactly keep attorneys on retainer. You don't need to worry about being sued. Just buy the guy a lunch. Plus, the dog is very protective, which is good.

Janet checks in. She can't go on a vacation. Well, hell, that's easy, Adam tells her. Do you have TV and cable? Do you have the Travel Channel? Get some booze.

Ashley calls up. Someone came up to her and asked her for a quarter, and she said she didn't have one. The woman who asked her just got very angry, screaming that she should have a quarter. Finally, she walked away. Ashley kept standing there, and suddenly, she feels a bunch of stuff hit her. It was cherry Slurpee. The woman actually threw a cherry Slurpee at her. You're laughing now, Adam points out. Was this person homeless? Well, she doesn't know -- she might've just been crazy.

7:15 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:17 AIDAN FOSTER-CARTER

Aidan Foster-Carter, freelance journalist and North Korean analyst, comes on the line to talk a bit about the North Korean missile tests, and the man behind them, Kim Jong Il. Adam wonders how old Kim Jong Il, the ruler of North Korea, is, and how exactly he came to power? Well, it's not totally accurate, but most speculation pins him at 74-76 years old. As far as retirement goes, in that sort of a situation, you don't ever retire, you just die in power. He managed to snag it when his father passed away, and it's assumed that he's grooming his sons for the same role.

It's a bizarre situation with the North Koreans as well, he says. These people are kept in poverty and near starvation, but they still worship their leader as a god-like figure. It's because they don't know another way of life.

He's got one way to describe why Kim Jong Il fired these missiles. The BBC wouldn't let him say it, of course, but he's going to reveal it right here on the Adam Carolla Show. Why do dogs lick their testicles? Adam chimes in -- because they can! That's exactly right.

7:24 NBA PLAYER OR TECH STOCK

Dave plays a spirited round of NBA Player or Tech Stock.

7:48 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, is in the studio to report on the status of the Delta Fu Gamma fraternity, after being away for two weeks. For once, Maverick isn't hung over or buzzed this morning. Instead, he's sobered up, put on his construction hat, and buckled down to start construction on the Delta Fu Gamma frat house.

He recounts the story of how he got robbed by gypsys on his vacation to Lake Havasu.

8:16 PETER GUBER IN THE STUDIO

Peter Guber, motion picture mega-producer, joins the program. Last time he was on the show, Adam pitched several movies that he thought could be blockbusters. This time, he plans on pitching a few more.

Before that, though, Adam talks summer movies. The Da Vinci Code -- success or failure? Some say failure. Peter says he wishes that kind of failure would rain on him a few times a year. The movie itself did very well financially, but was universally panned by critics. It was smart, Peter says, to not let the critics near that movie until it was released theatrically, because those reviews could've definitely cut into its' bank.

The biggest flop of the summer was, of course, Poseidon.

Adam pitches his idea, Grand Theft Submarine, to Peter, complete with an animated teaser that a fan posted on YouTube.com. The funny thing about little animated teasers on sites like YouTube, Peter says, is that you can produce a little clip like that, for virtually no money, and generate tremendous buzz. It's quite a phenomenon.

8:40 ANN COULTER REHASH

Adam and the crew talk a bit about the Ann Coulter "incident" on yesterday's show, where Ann called in two hours late, then explained that she was "pressed for time." Adam proceeded to hang up on her. Her publicist is demanding an apology, which of course, they won't do.

What's the deal with publicists, Dave asks? How do they work? He's not quite sure. Well, this is how it goes down, Adam says. They have one great client, and a bunch of clients nobody cares about, including the publicist. They will come to people like Mike August, the show booker, and say, "If you want to book our good client, you have to book this other client that you don't want." So, you give up and say, okay, I'll book them. And then, of course, the good client cancels months later.

Of course, Adam has his own publicist. "I don't want him, though," Adam says.

Dave needs an answer to the burning question -- what did the publicist say to Mike August? She told him that she felt that although Ann was incredibly tardy calling in, she wanted to at least explain herself, and she felt that she wasn't given that opportunity. Teresa feels like Adam was very polite to her, until she started getting snippy.

9:00 ADAM'S TWINS ON THE PHONE

Adam's new kids, Sonny and Natalia, call in to talk a bit about their life so far.

9:16 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recap the news, with Bill Simmons, sports writer for ESPN.com, chiming in.

9:43 BILL SIMMONS IN THE STUDIO

Bill Simmons, famed author and sportswriter for ESPN, is on the program. He'll be filling in for Dave next week, much to Dave's chagrin. Bill is definitely up for it, though -- anything to cause Dameshek grief.

Adam brings up the World Cup. Bill loves the World Cup because it really illustrates a problem with American sports crowds. When a bunch of people are watching football, it's got a real "Okay, it's the fourth down, the pressure is on, everybody to your feet and cheer" attitude. But in soccer, they're up on their feet for the entire game, screaming, cheering, singing, and carrying on. It's a very respectable enthusiasm.

ADAM WITH JAN AND COREY, CARLOS MENCIA AND LISA LAMPANELLI

2006-07-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH JAN AND COREY, CARLOS MENCIA AND LISA LAMPANELLI -- 5am to 10am PST, July 6th, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 FOURTH OF JULY

Adam's Fourth of July was pretty much ruined. He's been filming his movie for the past few weeks while the show was on vacation, working literally 13 hours a day, 6 days a week. So, when the Fourth came around, he declared to his wife that it was his only day off, and he wanted to stay in, crack a beer and do nothing all day. He didn't want anybody in the house. Not only that, but he lives in a house on the hill where he can watch fireworks from inside his place.

That morning, his mom called. She wanted to see the kids. Then, Oswaldo called, wanting some check. Adam told his wife Lynette: "No answering the phone." It didn't work. Shortly thereafter, Ozzie just showed up inside his house. Adam was bewildered. "Why are you here? Why didn't you call first?" Ozzie said, oh, I did call, but you didn't answer. Great. And of course, as he was shooing Ozzie out, he saw his mother pulling up into the driveway. Finally, someone managed to get a hold of Lynette, and before he knew it, there were several couples standing inside his house. It was terrible.

Teresa agrees. It must be awful to have so many people who care about him.

6:11 BOILING

Dave has to know what's going on in the booth. Why is it so damn hot? It's like Vietnam in there. Brusca says "Lynn, if you're listening, it's very hot. Please help."

6:24 JAN AND COREY REVIEW A CD

Jan and Corey, the mother and son who are now famous for getting into a brawl over the finale of American Idol, are now on the line to review a CD. Turns out, it's Corey's birthday today.

Before the two come on the line, Adam has to go on a bit of a rant, which he hopes won't cause them to hang up. Corey had hit his mom with a promotional keychain, and that's where it falls apart for Adam. Anybody who gets into the whole "promotion points", where they cash in and get the Marlboro jacket, or the tenth free sub, or whatever, is just screaming "HELP! I NEED THIS!" He really views it the same as buying a lottery ticket.

The CD they're going to be reviewing is by Dashboard Confessional. They play a song from it, then go to Jan for the review. She loves this CD -- she thinks it was about surviving lung cancer. Definitely a great CD, she feels. Corey agrees -- the guy in the band really knows how to put together some lyrics.

6:35 PEPPERONI IS A DEFAULT

Before Jan and Corey hang up, Dave tells them to think carefully about this: Adam has recently declared that pepperoni is nobody's favorite topping for pizza. Sure, they say it is, and they might think it is, but they really have a different one. They are just pre-conditioned to like pepperoni because it's what they were raised on. Adam has to speak up about this. His feel is, pepperoni is one of those toppings where everybody sortof agrees that they'll eat it, but if pressed, they probably prefer things like sausage, or black olive, or any number of other toppings.

6:47 MAN-O-VATION

A listener calls in with a man-o-vation for Adam: the Drunkable. It's like a Lunchable, but it's for when you're going out drinking. It's got a little cigar in there, with a pen and paper for writing down numbers, and more little things that you might need when you're out on the town.

Incidentally, Adam says, how big of a cop-out is it as a parent when you start buying your kid Lunchables? Teresa feels like when you buy a Lunchable, you should be immiedately reported to Child Services.

6:50 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:01 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports.

7:13 WHAT CAN'T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It's time for a spirited round of What Can't Adam Complain About? Listeners call in with things, and Adam will complain about them, no matter what.

Getting beat up while filming his movie yesterday. Ace lifts his shirt and shows the huge bruise he has on his side. In addition to that, the caller says -- yesterday, Ozzie couldn't mispronounce something. For the first time in his life, they need him to mispronounce something on camera, and he pronounced it correctly every time.

His bidet. It sends a very dangerous and confusing message to people who come over to the house. They come out of the bathroom with a very confused expression, after seeing a large flesh-colored device with tubes and such coming out of it. Any time someone asks you "Did your grandmother used to live here?", it's not good.

The P-51 Mustang. The greatest plane ever made. But how can you complain about it? Well, we destroyed them all after the war. There are only a few left. And who has them? TOM CRUISE.

7:33 PAYING FOR THINGS

One thing that makes Adam think he must be a republican, even though he doesn't claim to be, is the fact that he doesn't feel like people should have kids unless they can pay for them. If you can't afford to pay for any kind of unexpected health problems, get insurance for your kids. If you can't afford to get insurance, you shouldn't have them at all.

The reason he's filibustering about this, Adam says, is because Ann Coulter was supposed to call in, but didn't. This is the second time they've been burned by her, he says.

7:40 OSWALDO ON THE PHONE

Ozzie comes on the line to defend himself from Adam's attack on his pronunciation earlier.

The whole point of Adam's rant, he says, is that people keep just not doing what they are supposed to do. On the set of this movie, someone will just not do what they are being told. Everything will stop, and someone will tell the person, "No no, do it like this." And they don't do it. So they're calmly told again, "Please, do it like this." After a while, Adam chimes in, just yelling "WHY WON'T YOU DO IT? YOU'RE WASTING ALL OF OUR TIME." And everyone will gasp. How can you yell at people like that, people ask? And that just makes Adam wonder -- why aren't we, as a society, allowed to yell at people anymore? Especially when they are being stupid.

7:58 CARLOS MENCIA IN THE STUDIO

Carlos Mencia, the comedian, is on the program. Adam announces that they have just found out about the fact that Carlos and his show are in the same studio and in the same offices as The Man Show used to be. Is he sharing an office, they wonder, like Adam and Jimmy were? No, he has his own office.

That's got to be nice, Teresa says, because Carlos comes from such a big family. Eighteen kids in that family, Carlos says. Adam cracks up. "He's not kidding," Teresa says. Carlos is number 17 out of 18, too.

"You've got to try and name them all," Adam says. No way, Carlos yells. If he leaves one out, they want money, he says. They always want money.

They talk about a few different jokes that write themselves. For example, Carlos says, the Mexi-Melt. That one is too easy. That reminds Adam of the ultimate joke. When he applied to Taco Bell back in the day, he was denied. Apparently, he wasn't Taco Bell material.

Since Ann Coulter didn't call in, what does Carlos think of her, Teresa wonders? She's a psycho bitch, he says. There's no way she would get away with any of what she says or does if she was an ugly chick. Adam agrees. Hot chicks can smoke cigars in restaurants and everybody will just stare longingly. Ugly chicks are told, "Put that out, fatty."

8:38 SPIDERS

Spiders are all over Adam's house. He finds them everywhere. He used to transport them outside while they were still alive, but he figured out that they were just breeding out there, then all coming back in together. At some point, he figured out that he needs to just smash all spiders, and all bugs. They won't stop coming, though.

He always hears that "spiders eat the bad bugs." He bought into that for a long time, he says, but now he's given up on that. And the reason for that is, he's never walked into the room, flipped on the light, and seen a spider kicking some roach's ass. He's never seen anything caught in a spider web of any consequence.

And the webs are everywhere. If you let it go, they will be under EVERYTHING. Dave definitely knows -- he constantly walks out of his front door and gets a bunch of spider web in the face.

But of course, we're not supposed to kill them, because they kill other things. Dave knows why, though. Spiders just have great PR. They've got Karl Rove running their campaign.

Adam takes some calls from a few different pest control people who have thoughts on how to kill spiders.

9:02 LISA LAMPANELLI IN THE STUDIO

Lisa Lampanelli, the Queen of the Roast, is on the program. Ann Coulter, who was supposed to call in an hour and a half ago, finally comes on the line. She points out that someone had given her the wrong phone number, and her publicist just emailed her the right number. She's tight on time though, she says. Adam hangs up on her. "Well, she's tight on time." Don't call into the show and hour and a half late, then start bitching, he says.

The Ed calls in from Vegas. He apparently got married last weekend, but not to his girlfriend, and he's in trouble about it a little bit because he's not sure what to do. He managed to get married to a white girl, and he's black, so he's confused a bit. He hasn't been with too many white girls, so he doesn't know what to do. Lisa has some good advice for him -- she's got low self esteem, so smack her around. Adam wonders why Lisa isn't doing more public service announcements.

Some other listeners call in for a little inter-racial dating advice. Jack Silver, the FREE FM programming director, has to come in and oversee the censoring of this segment. Lisa is upset; she doesn't want to have to look at "Harry Potter's retarded cousin" all morning.

9:36 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

ADAM WITH JOEY CHESTNUT, MARK BURNETT, PEREZ HILTON AND GARRETT MORRIS

2006-07-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH JOEY CHESTNUT, MARK BURNETT, PEREZ HILTON AND GARRETT MORRIS -- 5am to 10am PST, Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 TYPES OF CONVERSATION

One of today's guests is the runner-up of the World Hot Dog Eating Contest. He's been on the show previously, and the topic of "How do you eat the dog?" came up. That's the kind of conversations that men have, Adam says. They'll get into heated debates about things like "No, he should have to eat hot dogs the same way he would at a ball game!", versus, "You can eat them however you want!"

Dave protests the way that the winner of the hot dog contest eats them. He rips the bun in half, dips each half in water and crams each end into his mouth, then picks the dog apart and devours it hurriedly. There's no enjoyment in that! At least the American, even though he came in second, actually puts his dog on the bun and eats it the way a man should.

6:05 PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS

Adam saw more of these ridiculous public service announcements during their time off. It's so irritating, he says, when he sees these things. They have the attention of millions of eyeballs and millions of ears, and they say things like "Smoking sucks" or "It doesn't matter what you look like." Sure, Dave adds, let the supermodels tell us that it doesn't matter what we look like.

Here's a better idea for a public service announcement, Adam thinks. Tire pressure. Well over half of all drivers on the road today have incorrect tire pressure. Remember when you were a kid, Adam asks, and you'd go to your friends house, and they had the old bike that nobody uses? You'd get on that bike, and the tires needed to be inflated. Remember how hard it was to pedal that bike? Well, that's what your car has to do when your tires are under-inflated. Let's get on TV and remind people to check their tire pressure. How many millions of barrels of oil per year can we save if everybody has their tires properly inflated?

Dave wonders -- what's stopping Adam from going to a network television station, and telling them he wants to make a public service announcement, about something near and dear to his heart? Would they dare say no? Of course they would, Adam confirms. The thing about these public service announcements is, when the FCC issues a broadcast license, they require the licensor to devote a certain number of minutes or hours to public service. The network just has to fulfill that. They don't care about the quality very much.

6:22 VACATION STORIES

It's time to catch up on everyone's vacation stories, Adam thinks. First off, it seems like Teresa has colored her hair? No, she says -- she colored it before they left to go on vacation. Oh. Well, that's the color that it should be, Adam says. In addition to that, she won two awards, out of the two she was nominated for.

On to Adam's break. His twins are a month old today, and he spent the entire break shooting a movie. He came up with this idea for a movie about four years ago, and they've been trying to get it made ever since. Initially, he thought that just having a great idea that can be shot for no money would get his movie made no problem. But after 20 producer meetings, he realized that it just doesn't work out that way. They don't care what the movie is about, they just want to know who is in it. They'd rather get people who have done it before, even if they won't be as good. Eventually, they decided to just raise their own money and make their own film.

Word on the street, Dave says, is that the "dailies" for the movie are hilarious.

While Adam was in a truck being towed around on a trailer shooting this movie, he got a text message from Jimmy Kimmel. Apparently, Jimmy was up in the Hamptons with Howard Stern, and Howard wanted to make sure that Adam got the gifts he sent for the twins.

6:52 NEWS

Teresa goes over the morning news.

7:04 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:11 CELEBRITY SOFTBALL

Adam talks a bit about the celebrity softball tournament he participated in. His main beef? How the hell does the Mayor of Los Angeles not know anything about this game. Adam swears they must've told him "you hold the bat from the skinny end" when he walked onto the field, because that's all he seemed to know.

7:23 OZZIE REVIEWS SUPERMAN RETURNS

Oswaldo is in the studio to review Superman Returns.

Adam has a couple of problems with this movie, though. First off, why is there a love story in my action movie? We don't complain about there not being enough action in love stories. Don't put love stories in my action movies.

Second, how can Superman get stabbed with kryptonite and be completely paralyzed, but then, lift half a planet made of kryptonite into space. Adam needs an answer to this question. Kevin calls in. He tries to answer, but ultimately, can't give Adam an answer that satisfies him.

Overall, this movie left the reviewer cold.

7:47 JOEY CHESTNUT ON THE PHONE

Yesterday was the big Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Competition, and apparently, there was a bit of controversy. Joey was the American competitor, and Kobiyashi, the Japanese competitor, took the top prize.

What exactly are the repercussions of eating all those hot dogs? How does it work the next day? Basically, Joey says, when he sweats, it smells like hot dog meat. "That's very attractive," Adam declares.

Joey talks a bit about how the competition went.

Big Tad's going to be doing a rib-eating competition, and Adam's curious to know if Joey is interested in training him. "That'll be awesome," Joey says. Well, Adam says, he doesn't know if it'll be awesome, per se.

8:05 THE JERK REPORT WITH DAVE DAMESHEK
It's time for a little thing Dave likes to call... his Jerk Report. Dave thinks that all the evil-doers thought that, with the show on hiatus, they could just run around committing crimes and getting away with it.

First up, number six. Kobiyashi, the winner of the Coney Island Hot Dog Competition, for puking into a cup during the competition! What is that! That's cheating! Kobiyashi... JERK!

Number five. Superman is great, but anybody who names Superman as their favorite super hero... what a cop-out! Of course Superman wins! He's the Man of Steel! He can fly! It's EMBARRASSING that he almost loses to the balding, middle-aged, likely-gay Kevin Spacey! Whoever says that Superman is their favorite... JERKS!

Number four. Bob Euker has a stalker. Baseball's Bob Euker. What the hell are you stalking that guy for? Of all people to stalk... why would you do that? Pick someone more important! Bob Euker's stalker... JERK!

A listener, Mitchell, calls in and puts Adam on the Jerk Report for taking two weeks off. Look, Adam says. He didn't want to do that any more than anybody else wanted it to happen. Dave can't accept that though, he says. He didn't mind the time off.

And now, the Get Out of Jerk Free Card. This week, it goes to Mark Cuban and . The Pittsburgh Penguins were on the verge of having to move to another town. They were having financial problems. These two valiant men banded together and formed a foundation to keep the Penguins in Pittsburgh! GET OUT OF JERK FREE!

Number two. The Anaheim Mighty Ducks have decided that they no longer want to be associated with the other Mighty Ducks -- the delightful Disney movies. Instead, they've redesigned their uniform, and renamed themselves to the Ducks. Whoever had that idea -- JERK!

Finally, it's time, for the Creep of the Week. Dave went and saw Al Gore's picture, An Inconvenient Truth. Also, he went outside and enjoyed the sun. He got sunburned just being outside a little bit, and then he had to sit through Al Gore reminding him as well, of... global warming. Global warming is a JERK! CREEP OF THE WEEK!

8:25 MARK BURNETT IN THE STUDIO

Mark Burnett, producer of practically every show on television, including The Apprentice, Survivor, The Contender, Rock Star, and more, is in the studio. His new season of Rock Star will be helping a new band, including Tommy Lee and Jason Newstead, find a lead singer.

He talks a bit about how he came to hook up with the group to do season two. Apparently, Mark lives in Malibu, and Tommy Lee does as well, so that was a definite factor in opening up the talk.

8:48 BIG TAD'S BIG BREAK?

And now, it's time for Big Tad to audition. He wants to belt out a little tune for Mark to see if he can make it onto Rock Star. He's chosen "Dead Or Alive" by Bon Jovi.

8:53 PITCHES

As he does whenever Mark is around, Adam has to pitch a few of his show ideas. He wants to know what Mark thinks of the last idea he pitched -- Renaissance Man. "You should do it," Mark says. Adam says that's the Hollywood "F off".

9:04 HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS WITH PEREZ HILTON

Perez Hilton is in the studio, and apparently, Kathy Griffin was supposed to be on Larry King last night, but she wasn't. Adam needs to know why. He's got Kathy's number, so he dials her up live... and gets her machine. He leaves a message for her to call back right away, and they press on with the happenings.

9:25 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron, has died.

9:29 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:40 GARRETT MORRIS IN THE STUDIO

Garrett Morris, famed actor, is in the studio. In addition to appearing in numerous television sitcoms including Married With Children, E.R., Hill Street Blues and more, he was also the first black cast member on Saturday Night Live.

Adam wonders how the residuals work on those SNL episodes, because he seems them on TV so often. Does the pay drop a little bit each year, or what? It doesn't pay much, Garrett admits, but you get a "little something."

Before they go, Garrett riffs a bit as his most famous SNL character, Chico Esquela, the Dominican baseball player.

ADAM WITH BRIAN TEE, KELLY PICKLER, BONNIE JILL LAFLIN AND THE FLAPSTEAK SHOWDOWN

2006-06-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH BRIAN TEE, KELLY PICKLER, BONNIE JILL LAFLIN AND THE FLAPSTEAK SHOWDOWN -- 5am to 10am PST, June 16, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

After today, The Adam Carolla Show will be on summer break until July 5th, 2006. Best-of will air until that time. New podcasts will resume once the show is live again.

6:00 EXTRAS

Adam's going to be shooting a boxing movie, starting on Sunday. It's going to be a lot of fun, and they're going to need people in the audience, so if you want to be in it, go to AdamCarolla.com and you can get all the information on that. Adam'll say hi to you, and you'll eat for free.

6:04 ARSONIST, OR JACKASS?

When you watch the news, you see something like "Flames in Temecula", and they'll say things like, "Arsonist in Temecula." Well, look guys. We can see that it's an arsonist, because it's a fire. Why not say, "Jackass in Temecula"? That's what they are. Jackasses. Let's just start insulting or shaming these people. They can show their work, and say, "This was obviously the work of a douchebag." That'll cut down on crime.

6:07 QUOTABLE TERESA

While Adam is going to be shooting his movie, and Dave is going to a game, Teresa managed to get into the papers with a quote from her show "How to Get the Guy." It's right below a quote from Jimmy Kimmel, too!

This, of course, prompts Adam to dig out one of his old Man Show reviews, which was far less than favorable. Reading the reviews, it's very obvious what the problem was -- the reviewer hated Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel. The same guy reviewed the new Man Show after Adam and Jimmy left, and talked about how much better it was. And, what really blows Adam's mind, is that the guy said one of the big problems with Adam was that he didn't look good enough for TV. Not good looking enough? He's a comedian! There are no good looking male comedians!

And what's up with reviewers who are completely outside the target demographic for a show, Adam asks? Why would you send some old, bitter queen to review a show meant for straight frat guys? Would you also send someone who's allergic to shellfish to review a seafood restaurant?

6:20 BARRY

Listener Barry calls in. He thinks Adam looks like Gilbert Gottfried. Adam thinks he looks like crap.

6:32 BRIAN TEE IN THE STUDIO

Brian Tee, a.k.a. DK from the new movie The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift, is on the program. Adam needs a little clarification on what "drifting" is. It's basically a controlled slide. Do they have to bald the tires for that, Adam wonders? They do a little, Brian answers, but not much. It's just a different style of driving that you've got to learn.

Apparently, Brian is driving a new American car now, because he wrecked and rolled his old Toyota. Rolling a car is on Adam's list of things to do before he dies, along with jumping into the water with a knife in his teeth, having a cape removed from him as he walks on stage, and others.

Last night, Adam saw a commercial for this movie, and noticed that Vin Diesel is in it. What happened there? He wasn't in number two. Well, the story behind that, Brian says, is that Vin saw an early cut of the film, and loved it so much he asked if they could insert him in. And of course, they found a way.

6:50 GAY BAR OR SPORTS CAR

And now, it's time to play a spirited round of Gay Bar, or Sports Car -- callers have to guess whether or not the name is of a sports car, or a gay bar?

7:04 NEWS

Teresa covers the news.

7:21 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:42 THE FIRST ANNUAL FLAPSTEAK SHOWDOWN

David Alan Grier is in the studio, getting ready for his cook-off with Oswaldo. Unfortunately, Oswaldo isn't in the building yet. If he doesn't show, is that a forfeit, DAG asks? Definitely, Adam says.

Oswaldo comes on the line. He's on La Brea, apparently on his way to the station. He marinated his steak last night, and he's confident he's going to take this one home. Adam wants to ensure that they're starting with the same meat. Definitely, it's going to be a fair fight.

To kick off the competition, Mike Dawson comes on and announces the fighters as they enter the ring. DAG has to start talking a little trash before it begins, of course.

The fighters head up to the roof to square off!

8:00 MISTER BRIGHTSIDE

Last time Adam tried to play Mr. Brightside, where Adam tries to look on the bright side of things, rather than complaining, things didn't go well. The first caller just angered him to no end, and he was just too worked up to look on the brighter side of things.

Dave mentions that he hopes the callers are on their A-game this time, because Adam needs all the help he can get at this game. "Excuse me," Adam says, "I don't need you judging me."

Janet comes on the line. She's fat and everyone thinks she sounds like a man. First off, Adam says, black guys dig her. Second, she's not going to get old and ugly. Adam sits and watches TV every night, seeing all these women who were hot back in their prime, but now they're ugly. People are going to see Janet later in life and say, "Wow, I still don't want to F her." She was fat at 24, she'll be fat at 34, and so on. Do you have cats, Adam asks? Yes, three of them. Of course. Also, she's 217 and 5 foot 2. Go on a diet and get rid of the cats. Actually, she's been on Weight Watchers, because she used to weigh 300 pounds. Awesome. Keep it up.

Beth calls up. She has a 17 year old son who wears a mohawk and studs, and he swears that when he turns 18, he's going to get a bunch of tattoos. Does he have a father figure, Adam asks? Yes, he has a step-dad. But the son doesn't listen to the step-dad, and the step-dad won't discipline him. Is he a good student? Well, not really. He's an average student. He's good at what he does -- photography. Adam points out that all the great millionaires and geniuses of our day didn't graduate high school or college, or are otherwise uneducated. Also, this is a phase. And, finally, when he turns 18, he's no longer Beth's problem -- he's society's problem. He's just a bad seed and there's nothing you can do. "Don't blame yourself," Adam tells her.

Mike calls in. He's a roof, and he met the woman of her dreams the other night. Unfortunately, when he called her, he found out she fell off a four story roof the other night at a party, and she's in the hospital. The good news is, when this chick gets out of the hospital, Mike will get laid. What the hell was she even doing up there, Adam wonders? She just thought it seemed like a good idea, Mike guesses. Yeah, that happens -- especially when tequila is involved.

8:12 FLAPSTEAK CHECK-IN

DAG and Oswaldo are on the roof. Adam and the crew check in to see how it's going.

8:24 THE EXPERT PANEL

The flapsteak cook-off is well underway, and it's time to unveil the celebrity panelists.

The first guest is Merril Schindler, a food critic who hosts a show, Feed Your Face, weekends on 97.1 FREE FM in Los Angeles. Adam has been listening to Merril for 20 years now, and he never pictured the guy as a heavy-set black gentleman, so he's shocked. The second guest judge is Reed Strathearn, from L Scorpion, and the third, Walter Eckstein, the Executive Chef at Lawry's in Beverly Hills.

8:40 THE JUDGING

The competitors have taken the elevator back down to the studio, and now it's time to judge the meat.

Merril digs in to the first plate. He thinks it's fabulous. He wants seconds, thirds, fourths, the whole damn plate. Reed thinks it's a bit too sweet, but otherwise great. Walter feels the same way -- a bit too sweet, but otherwise good.

Now, it's time to judge the second plate plate. Merril feels like its chewier, but that's okay, he has teeth. It's so much of a different flavor than the first plate, it's hard to compare them. Reed feels like it's far too spicy.

Merril chooses the first plate. Reed has to say the second plate, and Walter picks the first one.

The owner of each plate is revealed... the first plate was... OSWALDO!

Incidentally, DAG's steak left Oswaldo cold. DAG flips out; this contest was obviously racist, and he knows everybody on the show is a big cheater. He needs to get a lawyer and take every one of them down.

8:58 ADAM'S TWINS CALLING IN

Adam's new twins, Sonny and Natalya, call in to wish Adam a Happy Father's Day.

9:12 KELLY PICKLER ON THE PROGRAM

Kelly Pickler, from American Idol, joins the show. She ran into Adam a few weeks ago when they were both filming Jimmy Kimmel Live, and it occurred to him that she's not an act -- she's the real deal. Where was Kelly this time last year, Adam wonders? Rollerskating out to cars with food at a Sonic drive-in. That's what people love about American Idol, Adam feels. The way they can take someone who had nothing, and turn them into this supernatural phenomenon.

During the first few American Idols, it seemed like sex was breaking out everywhere. Now, it seems like they're all brothers and sisters. What the hell happened with that, Adam asks? What kind of a world is this that he just brought his kids into? Well, it's just because they spend so much time together, Kelly says.

She's got to be dating someone, Adam says. She can't REALLY be single. She is though, she swears! Nobody wants her! She feels like she must be a nerd or something. No celebrities or anything, Adam asks? Nobody is sniffing around? Not at all, she says.

Dan calls in. He's a plumber, and he wants to date Kellie. Can't do it, Adam says. She didn't come this far to date some plumber. Adam instead has the perfect man for her. Big Tad.

Kellie busts out a little singing for the crew, and then Adam gets her a soda and forces her to drink it, so he can hear her burp. Teresa wonders exactly why men want to see pretty girls burp. A pretty girl could fling feces and it would be a turn-on, Adam says.

Since Kellie was in the top six, she'll be going on the American Idol tour, which features the top ten finalists from Season 5. The tour kicks off in Manchester, New Hampshire on July 5th, 2006 and runs through September 24th.

9:49 BONNIE JILL LAFLIN IN THE STUDIO

Bonnie Jill Laflin, Playboy girl and talent scout, is on the program. They're going to jump straight to news, and then Bonnie is going to chime in on sports.

9:52 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:53 SPORTS RECAP

Bonnie reads the sports news.

ADAM WITH JOEY CHESTNUT, THE PENTHOUSE BEAUTIES, VAN STONE AND PETER WALSTON

2006-06-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH JOEY CHESTNUT, THE PENTHOUSE BEAUTIES, VAN STONE AND PETER WALSTON -- 5am to 10am PST, June 15, 2006

6:00 BILLY'S DAY OF RECKONING

Today is the day that Billy takes the lie detector to determine whether or not he's really a virgin. Brusca calls the other website guy, Marc, into the room to share an observation from yesterday -- Marc walked in on Billy surfing "how to beat a lie detector" websites. "Oh, no," Dave says. Adam sees that the odds have just shifted wildly.

That's the thing with this kind of situation, Adam says. Billy had a split second to make a decision when he was asked by Adam if he was a virgin, he blurted out an answer, and now he's committed himself to it until the bitter end. So now, of course, Adam's got to fire him. But, Teresa asks, is there going to be any chance of redemption? Is there going to be any way for him, right before the lie detector, to confess? Adam's not sure the Governor is going to make that call, but we will see.

6:06 ANN COULTER AND THE 9/11 VICTIMS

Ann Coulter is going to be on the program today, and Adam's going to admit, he agrees with a lot of what she says. Okay, so she called the 9/11 widows "harpies." But, she had a legitimate reason. She doesn't feel like, just because these people had their spouses die, that they are entitled to everything. To Adam, the people dying in the 9/11 attack was tragic, but he equates it to people who were just driving home from work getting clipped and killed.

It may have been a bit much for her to insult the widows though, Teresa says. Maybe, Adam agrees, but she knows what she's doing. She's selling books. Everything she says is calculated.

6:25 JOEY CHESTNUT ON THE BLOWER

Joey Chestnut, the American hot dog eating champion, is on the phone. Not only is he the American champ, but he's the number three competitive eater in the world. He'll be facing the Japanese champion, Kobiyashi, on the 4th of July to determine the world champion. The crew wonders if he has any tricks? Two at a time, of course. Dave knows exactly how to intimidate this guy, too. Order the dogs slathered in mustard and ketchup with a side of fries. Or roll up with a huge pizza in one hand and a soda in the other. It'll BLOW THEIR MINDS. Of course, he should also smoke some weed, Dave says. That's basically like steroids for an eating contest.

Do you really feel that you are the only one to beat this guy, Adam asks? Yes, he does. He thinks he's the only American who has a chance against this Kobiyashi character.

How about the doctor? Does he approve of this? Oh, absolutely not, Joey says. His doctor says he's insane.

If he takes this thing home, the endorsement deals will be astronomical, Adam feels. Ball Park, Hebrew National, all the hot dog companies will want his picture on their packages.

6:45 BILLY MOSES ON THE LIE DETECTOR

Well, it finally comes down to this. Billy Moses is in the studio, hooked up to a lie detector, trying to prove that he's not a virgin because no one believes him. Adam says that if Billy fails the test, he can't work for the show anymore because he lied to him on the air. John Grogan is in the studio to administer the test. He says that polygraphs are 99% accurate. The only difference between an MRI test and a polygraph test is that the MRI costs $100,000 versus the $6,000 cost of a polygraph (which measures changes in perspiration, respiration and heartrate).

Adam asks how the digital polygraph works, and John says that the new polygraphs eliminate the chance for errors or being tricked. The information on the internet about how to beat the lie detector doesn't work.

Adam gave Billy pleanty of chances to back out of this and simply admit that he was a virgin,but an explosive on-air personality like Billy's simply needs to prove that he's not lying. The lay person can use John's services for $400 and make a housecall if you need to use his services.

John asks a series of baseline questions:

1) Is today Thursday? Yes.
2) Is your name William John Paul Moses? Yes.

Now the questions:

1) If you could kiss Adam, would you? No.
2) Did you state that Adam's assistant Lindsey would be yours or that you could have her? Yes.
3) Have you masturbated while thinking about any female on our staff? Yes.
4) Do you think Dameshek's bits are funny? Yes.
5) Do you hate Jimmy Brusca? No.
6) Do you think program director Jack Silver is an idiot? Yes.
7) Have you had sexual intercourse? Yes.
8) Has your penis ever entered a vagina? Yes.
9) Has your penis ever entered a wooden vagina? No.
10) Have you ever been on top of a naked woman? Yes.

Jack Silver calls in and tells Billy that he hopes he enjoys his last day working at CBS. He tells Adam and Teresa that Billy needs to back away from the microphone. He doesn't think that on-air broadcasting is in Billy's future. Adam defends Billy; he tells Jack that he's running his show the way he wants to, and no corporate suits in New York are going to tell him otherwise.

Teresa wants to know what it sounds like when a dream dies as John goes to check the results of the polygraph test.

Katherine calls in and is sad, because she thinks that Jack Silver is going to fire Billy. She says she's crying because he's going to get fired and he's going to be stuck at home with her now. Adam tells Katherine to look at the bright side. At seventeen, he was two years away from cleaning carpets and three years away from digging ditches for $7 an hour.

Adam tells Katherine to hang on tight and he'll send her a Kraigan gift certificate.

7:15 NEWS

Teresa covers the news.

7:26 SPORTS

Dave takes care of the sports news.

7:28 NBA PLAYER OR TECH STOCK?

It's time for a spirited round NBA Player or Tech Stock.

Emeka. The caller says "Tech stock". Incorrect!

Amgen. The caller picks "Tech stock". That's correct!

Zaza. Once again, the caller says "Tech stock". Incorrect.

7:43 PENTHOUSE BEAUTIES

There's a gaggle of Penthouse beauties in the studio, one of whom was Penthouse Pet of the Year.

Adam points out that there's a ton of people standing outside the window to the studio. Don't the tech guys have anything to do, he wonders? Van Stone is out there, too. They were apparently being a little weird in the green room.

Apparently, Brusca is frantically gesturing and trying to figure out why they won't take their tops off. Is there a reason for that, Adam wonders? Did anybody ask? Nobody asked them, actually. Brusca sheepishly approaches the microphone and requests them to take their tops off. Dave bellows, "I LOVE BOOBS! I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR IT!"

They finally convince the ladies to show off a bit for the crew. Adam's reaction? "WOW. Those are real? WOW!" It's quite the bounty of boobs, Dave adds. Unfortunately, when it comes time for Aria to take her top off, she refuses. She'll give them bra, but no bare breasts. Adam is shocked. This is nothing short of an attack. They plead with her, and attempt to bargain -- Adam showing off a little left nut is put on the table and rejected -- but they finally have to give up.

8:09 VAN STONE IN THE STUDIO

Van Stone, the third loudest band in Palmdale, CA, joins the Penthouse girls on the microphone. Adam has a plan to get Aria to show her breasts, and he's going to need Van Stone's help.

They tune up and crank out a song meant to loosen up the tops of the ladies.

8:33 THE ED CHIMES IN

The Ed from Vegas calls in to say that he's pretty sure Billy Moses is not a virgin. If he's 14, there's no way he hasn't had sex yet. Well, first of all, he's 17, Adam says. Also, it doesn't quite work that way in Billy's culture.

Dan calls in. He wants to put $1,000 on the line saying that Billy is a virgin. If he's so confident, why not take the bet? He'll do it, right now. One hundred dollars. Adam sends him to get his wallet out of his office; he doesn't want Billy betting money he doesn't have.

8:45 BILLY'S LIE DETECTOR RESULTS

It's time to bring Billy back in the studio, along with Mr. Polygraph, to unveil the results. Beore they start, Adam is curious about Billy's life strategy, in pissing off the program director of Free FM. "I don't know," Billy squeaks out.

Let's start at the first question, and see where he lied, and where he told the truth.

If he could kiss Adam, would he? He said no, and that's truthful.

Did he state that Lindsey would be his? He said yes, and that's true.

Does he masturbate to thoughts of any of the female staffers? He said yes, and that's "very truthful."

Dave notices that the phone lines are lit up with people wanting to bet Billy that he's lying.

The next question was "Do you think Dameshek's bits are funny?" He said they were, and that's truthful. Okay, that's it, he's gotta get out of here. Sure, Adam and Co. put on a smile, but Dave isn't really funny.

Does Billy think Jack Silver, the Program Director, is an idiot? Billy said yes. Unfortunately, he was lying. Adam feels Jack isn't smart enough to sort that out, and will fire him anyway. Dave's mind is blown. Why would he say that he was, originally? He was being explosive at the time. Katherine, Billy's mom, feels she should point out that they rely on Billy's income at her house, because she only works part-time.

A listener calls in and says he has $50 saying that Billy is not a virgin. Adam wants to take that action, and Dave isn't sure. His head is spinning. Adam will take the $50, and he'll pay $200 if he's wrong.

Do you hate Jimmy Brusca? Billy said no, and that's true.

And now, the moment of truth. Is Billy a virgin? Of course, Adam must point out, the real losers in all of this are Lindsey and Angie, whom both made appearances in Billy's sexual fantasies. Before they announce it, though, Adam makes a few more bets with callers, and Billy recaps the story of how he supposedly lost it. Adam just cannot picture an afternoon delight with Billy Moses.

The verdict is...

Has Billy ever had sexual intercourse? Billy answered yes... and... it's 100% true!

Katherine, Billy's mom, comes on the line. She's SO GLAD he told the truth, but she's upset that he had sex -- she'll never see him the same way again. Adam seeks some redemption, though. How'd he answer the question of whether his penis has been inside a vagina? He answered that yes, and it was truthful as well. "DAMN!!!"

Brusca apologizes, and Adam apologizes as well, on behalf of the rest of the staff.

9:29 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news faster than she's ever done it before.

9:30 SPORTS RECAP

Dave reca--, woops, Adam cuts it off.

9:38 PETER WALSTON ON THE PHONE

Peter Walston, a reporter for the Los Angeles Times, comes on the line. He's the man who was called out by President Bush at a press conference yesterday for "wearing shades", when he is actually blind. Bush later called the man and apologized, but Peter says he felt the apology was unnecessary, and he doesn't like any kind of special treatment.

Adam is curious. He's been told to not call people blind, rather, he should refer to them as "seeing impaired". Peter has no idea what to tell him, though.

ADAM WITH JIM FLORENTINE AND DAVID ALAN GRIER

2006-06-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH JIM FLORENTINE AND DAVID ALAN GRIER -- 5am to 10am PST, June 14, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 BILLY'S EXPERIENCE

Apparently, after Billy's on-air declaration of non-virginity, he went onto the Adam Carolla Message Board and posted the story of how he was at a girl's house, a while ago, and with his libido running high, decided to "just do it." Unfortunately, the girl's brother walked into the room "in the middle", and he had to stop.

Nobody seems to believe him, including his two co-workers, Marc and Jack -- they are convinced. Adam doesn't need him to have completed the act to not be a virgin, though. It's good enough to just have started. Of course, we'll find out tomorrow, when he goes down to San Diego for the No Lie MRI. Adam is worried, though, that Billy isn't going to go.

This is Adam's take on it. When people declare that "you have to be a virgin", or even "you MUST work out," they are telling you that they don't believe there could be any other way. You couldn't have possibly slept with someone -- nobody could've screwed your ugly ass. Or, there's no way you could look like that without pumping iron constantly. That's what people are saying when they tell you things like that.

6:09 INDIGNITY

Yesterday, Adam was pulling through the basement of the parking garage, and he ran across a group of people that were in the way. They all stopped and looked over at him, as if he'd driven his car into the middle of their living room. Finally, they moved out of the way. Why does this happen? It happens other places, too.

6:22 RICH MAN POOR MAN

It's time for a spirited round of Rich Man, Poor Man, where listeners call in and try to come up with things that poor people do, that rich people also do, but the middle class doesn't participate in.

6:47 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian, the 13-year-old comedian, calls up to tell a couple of jokes about blind people.

6:50 RICO'S TECH KORNER

Rico, a sales associate at Circuit Center, is on the program. Circuit Center is an electronics store Adam sometimes goes to, and since they never address the techheads on this show, he thought he'd bring someone that works there onto the program.

The first tip Rico has for everyone is: Get the warranty. You have to get the warranty. If you don't, that's it.

He's got a few different products he wants to talk about. Unfortunately, when Dave asks any questions about them, he doesn't seem to know anything about them. Mainly, though, you should get the extended service plan. That way, if it breaks, you have that peace of mind. So if it breaks, they will replace it, Adam asks? Well, Rico doesn't know about that. Well, they'll fix it at least, right? Rico doesn't know about that.

7:07 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

President Bush is currently holding a news conference at The White House. Yesterday, he made a surprise visit to Iraq.

Darryl Hannah was arrested during her protest of the proposed development of an urban farm in South Central L.A. yesterday.

Paris Hilton was on Regis and Kelly discussing her newest season of The Simple Life.

Madonna is angry at Britney Spears for giving up Kaballah.

7:18 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:33 JIM FLORENTINE IN THE STUDIO

Jim Florentine, a.k.a Special Ed from Crank Yankers, is on the program. His prank calls were well known for having loud belches peppered in them. Quite often, he gets people telling him "That must be a fake belch; it must be a sound effect." When he hears that, it's just offensive -- all his burps are real. He just needs a soda. Mike Lynch SPRINTS for a Coke so Jim can bust out a few of them.

The movie "Windy City Heat" comes up, which was a movie that Adam Carolla actually had a bit part in. That movie needs to see a DVD release, Adam says, and it will, and it'll become a cult classic.

7:53 DARRYL HANNAH
Darryl Hannah calls in again, to talk a little more about the farm they are trying to save in South Central. Dave tries to steer the conversation towards Kill Bill, though.

8:04 SPECIAL ED

Jim Florentine reads a little from Star Jones' book as Special Ed.

8:15 THE JERK REPORT WITH DAVE DAMESHEK

It's once again time for Dave Dameshek, and his Jerk Report. This time, though, they've got some prizes to give away for people who call in and contribute to the report.

We kick off the report with a caller from Youngstown, Ohio, who feels like Dave should be Creep of the Week for his undeserved worship of Ben Rothlisberger. It's not justified. The caller feels like they should be talking up the Cleveland Browns.

Dan calls up. He's tired of Shaq not getting passed the ball. The Heat won last night, Adam points out, so the timing is bad, but he loves Dan's enthusiasm. Dan's going to get a gift certificate to Kragen Auto Parts.

And now that "amateur hour is over", it's time for the real Jerk Report. The new and improved Jerk Report, with the list format that Jimmy Kimmel suggested.

Number six. He's going to start off close to home. It was Dave's birthday on Sunday, but it was also his four year old nephew's birthday that weekend, and he had his party on Sunday, too. That means Dave got no calls on Sunday! His four year old nephew... JERK!

Number five. Twelve grain bread. He liked normal bread, and then he switched to the seven grain bread, which he likes even more. But his wife brought home twelve grain bread. WHAT?! TWELVE GRAINS?! IT'S TOO MUCH! JERK!

Number four. Dateline NBC, particularly Chris Hanson. They used to cover all manner of topics, and consumer price gouging schemes, and public interests. But now, they're obsessed with catching child predators. Why is that? The child predators are caught and put in jail, that's fine, but Chris Hanson must pay a larger price. He's a JERK!

Two Get Out of Jerk Free cards to reward this week. As everyone has heard, the Jerk Report has new music. The cards must be given to the composers of this music, John Williams and Howard Shore. They composed it for the Jerk Report specifically? Yes, yes they did, Dave says. Bryan the Sound Guy hates to point it out, but he's pretty sure that it was composed for movies that came out years ago. Dave demands that Bryan turn the Jerk Laser on himself.

A listener calls in and demands that Tracy Morgan be put on the Jerk Report. He drove Tracy in the limo, and didn't tip. Plus, he got a little euphoric, and started offering the driver work, and then the next day, he acted like he had no idea what was going on.

Number three on the list, Big Ben Rothlisberger. How dare he take chances when the team depends on him.

Number two, Jimmy Kimmel! Why? Because he suggested that the jerk report be done as a top ten list. Sure, Dave's doing the list, but he didn't want to! And of course, Adam Carolla, for taking his side. Jimmy Kimmel comes on the line right away. This is absurd; how dare Dave put him on there. He's never been so insulted in his life.

And now, it's time for The Creep of the Week. This week... it's Dave's wife Cindi. How did he celebrate his birthday weekend? Saturday morning, he awakens to a doctor in his house. They're getting LIFE INSURANCE. So he had to get his blood drawn, and he had to pee in a cup. And on Sunday, he tells her that he needs a new toothbrush, because he's been using the one in the cabinet and it's worn out. Come to find out, that toothbrush is the one she uses to clean her rings! So not only is she taking out a life insurance policy on him, but she's slowly poisoning him! Cindi... CREEP!

8:57 DAVID ALAN GRIER IN THE STUDIO

David Alan Grier joins the program, and proclaims that he has giant, huge, earth-shattering news. Not right yet, though. Before that, he tells a story of a time he went for dinner at Bill Cosby's house.

Jim Florentine comes back in, and Jim/DAG sing a little duet.

And now, for a bombshell. David wants to challenge Oswaldo to a steak cook-off. He thinks he can beat Oswaldo. But he can't have any judges who have tasted Oswaldo's cooking before -- Adam's got to bring in NEUTRAL PARTIES. That may be difficult, Adam says, because he's fed everyone in Southern California.

Ozzie comes on the line. NOBODY SAYS THAT TO OZZIE. He'll take this challenge, and he'll defeat David.

9:20 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:30 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:43 BILLY'S MOM

Billy is back in the studio, and his mom is on the line. She feels like it's wrong of him to be lying to all these people about this -- not just the staff, but all of the listeners as well. He's not lying though, he says.

A lot of money is going to be changing hands in this studio, Adam says, because everybody's betting on this. Teresa doesn't want to be insensitive or anything, but does Billy's mom want to place a bet or anything? Oh, no, no, she's a poor single mom, she says. Billy would be willing to bet some money on him passing, though.

ADAM WITH PEREZ HILTON, DANA GOULD, BRIAN POSEHN, PATTON OSWALT AND LAIRD MACINTOSH

2006-06-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH PEREZ HILTON, DANA GOULD, BRIAN POSEHN, PATTON OSWALT AND LAIRD MACINTOSH -- 5am to 10am PST, June 13, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 THE NERD-OFF

The Celebrity Nerd-Off is today, which is exciting. Adam feels like they're lucky to have assembled an intelligent and relatively good looking crew of people on the show, because most people in radio are either trolls, or they're beautiful, and they know nothing.

6:03 TIV-OCD

Last night, Teresa Strasser's new show, How To Get The Guy, aired for the first time, and of course, Dave and Adam TiVO'd it. Adam had a bit of a problem with the TiVO, though -- he tries to record the east coast feeds of things, rather than the west coast, and about 6 or 8 minutes into the show, he realized the TiVO wasn't picking it up.

Teresa has this problem, she says, called "TiV-OCD", where she constantly has to check and make sure TiVO is recording the right show.Dave runs into this too. He yells at TiVO. "What the hell were you thinking TiVO?! The football game is FAAAR MORE IMPORTANT!"

6:06 THE MORE YA KNOW

During Teresa's show last night, Adam noticed a new "The More You Know" -- Martin Sheen. And what was he telling us about? Talking to our kids. Okay, that's a great fit. If you're Martin Sheen and you're going to do a PSA, and your kid Charlie is in and out of the headlines every day, maybe you'd ask for another topic than parenting? Or maybe they could pick a different one for you?

Incidentally, Martin Sheen should really decide to take Emilio Estevez's name. He can be the only parent in history that takes his kids' name.

A listener calls in. He objects to Adam's opinion on Martin Sheen's PSA, because he sees it this way -- "take it from me." Well, sure, Adam agrees with that, IF Sheen would've actually said "Take it from me."

6:26 WHAT CAN'T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It's time for a spirited round of What Can't Adam Complain About?

6:55 BILLY GETS REAL

Billy, the 17-year-old Webmaster, is in the studio. Apparently, it was assumed by everyone on the show that Billy was a virgin. Adam talked to him though, and it turns out, he lost his virginity at the age of 15. He always thought he could spot a virgin after doing Loveline, but he was wrong. Now he's got to recalibrate.

Joel is on the phone. He runs a company called No Lie MRI, where they can test you to see if you are lying about something, with almost 100% certainty. Teresa says that Billy is looking a little nervous now. Regardless of all the talk, Adam is going to swear that Billy is a virgin. So now, unless he confesses to being a virgin, he's got to go down to San Diego and take the test. He doesn't confess anything -- he stands by his virgin. Of course, if he doesn't agree to this test, he'll be fired. And if the results come back differently than what he is saying, he'll be fired. And if he gets fired, we will all hear a champagne cork pop in the programming director's office.

They all chime in to make sure Billy understand what it means to not be a virgin. Yes, yes, he says he does. "Okay, Billy, enjoy your last week here," Brusca tells him.

7:13 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:24 SPORTS

Dave takes care of the sports news.

7:42 DEAF FRAT GUY

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, is on the program. He's the head of his own fraternity, Delta Fu Gamma. To help raise money for their new frat, he's selling Deaf Frat Guy t-shirts and keychain beer funnels on his website.

He interviews a few candidates over the phone, to bid for entry into Delta Fu Gamma.
Adam says he hopes the funneling thing branches out and lets a lot of people get a chance to try out for the frat, as well as try a large variety of beers. In fact, Adam thinks that Maverick should be on the lecture circuit, because he has a lot to teach.

Duke calls in and says he wants to join the frat. But Maverick thinks that Duke is joking, and he doesn't want the frat to become a joke. Duke says he isn't joking and definately wants to join Delta Fu Gamma. He knows hookers, dancers and strippers to bring to the frat house. Adam feels that there's a definate sleeze factor with Duke.

Maverick has to say something to all of these people. Joining a fraternity, is the biggest decision of a young man's life.

...

That was it.
7:58 PEREZ HILTON'S HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS

Perez Hilton is on the program to dish out his Hollywood Happenings report.

8:23 LYNETTE CAROLLA ON THE LINE

Lynette, Adam's wife, is on the line. Adam lets her know that Perez has put their baby pictures up on his website, PerezHilton.com. That's great, but which pictures? "High school prom, what do you think," Adam retorts.

What's been great about this situation, Adam says, is that finally Lynette is getting out of bed before him. Finally, it's just him, and his dog Molly. Good times.

8:39 THE CELEBRITY NERD-OFF CHALLENGE

Brian Posehn, Dana Gould, and Patton Oswalt have joined the program, to compete in the 1st Annual Adam Carolla Show Celebrity Nerd-Off Challenge. The prize? A Darth Vader replica lightsaber. Everybody definitely thinks that's excellent.

Dave is worried about Brian. He's got the skill, of course, and he's got the knowledge. But can he bring the energy that Patton has? As everyone knows, Patton is the reigning champ, after defeating many of the in-house nerds.

It's time to begin.

From the Lord of the Rings, who cut off Sauron's finger? A hush falls over the studio. Nobody knows. Mike reads the answer: Isildor.

From Star Wars, what is the name of the Jedi Master played by Samuel L. Jackson? Patton buzzes in. Mace Windu. Correct!

From 70s superhero cartoons, what was the name of the Wondertwins monkey? Brian blurts it out. "Gleek!" That's correct.

From the Planet of the Apes, which two actors from the original appear in the remake? Dana nails it.

In Batman, what was the Penguin's full name? Oswald Cobblepot.

From Dungeons and Dragons, name the two co-creators of the game? Brian buzzes in with Gary Gygax, but he doesn't know the other one.

What are the names of the ghosts in Pacman? Nobody gets it right.

From Transformers, what is the name of the leader of the Autobots in the original cartoon? Nobody gets it. The score is now 2.5, 2.5 and 1, with Gould trailing. If he blows the next one, he has to leave.

From Clash of the Titans, what is the name of the creature Persseus kills? THE KRAKEN! Patton gets it, so Dana has to leave.

Now that Dana is eliminated, it will be a head-to-head competition. Brian will go first. They will go back and forth naming characters from the movie "Star Wars", until one of them can't think of one.

They go back and forth, back and forth, until finally, only two characters are left. Unfortunately... Brian can't pull it out. He is eliminated. Caller Eric picks up a $200 gift certificate to Kragen Auto Parts, and Patton takes home an authentic replica lightsaber.

9:21 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:27 DARRYL HANNAH CALLS IN

Surprise caller Darryl Hannah comes on the line. She's currently 40 feet up in a tree at a garden in South Central L.A., where a protest is taking place of a potential land sale that will wipe out 14 acres of garden that is considered historical.

She talks to Adam for a bit about what could possibly be done to save the garden. (Read the full story.)

9:42 LAIRD MACINTOSH IN THE STUDIO

Laird Macintosh, the host of the new NBC show "Treasure Hunters", is on the program. Treasure Hunters is a new "adventure reality" show, along the same lines as The Amazing Race, where teams have to try and stay one step ahead of each other while enduring mental and physical challenges in pursuit of a hidden treasure.

ADAM WITH BOB PATTERSON AND ROBERT KNEPPER

2006-06-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH BOB PATTERSON AND ROBERT KNEPPER-- 5am to 10am PST, June 12, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

Tracy Metro will be filling in for Teresa Strasser this morning.

6:00 TERESA WILL BE BACK TOMORROW
Adam mentions that Teresa is in New York, but will be back tomorrow. Dave says that's because she's going to catch a red-eye. Tracy chimes in with a little tidbit: the red-eye only runs west to east, not east to west. Wow. What the hell was that, Adam wonders? Why not just hit Dave with a chair?

6:03 WASTE

One of the biggest problems people have with him is that he doesn't care about other people, Adam says. There's nothing more true about him, either. But for whatever reason, he's obsessed with waste. He can't stand it when he sees things going to waste. If he sees garbage on the ground, he'll pick it up or throw it away. If he sees some dirty cups next to the sink in the studio kitchen, he'll start washing them during the break. It's not that he cares about the other people, he just cares about things going to waste.

Tracy has got to know if Adam's a closet environmentalist. "Ehhhhh...." Adam can't really answer that.

A big problem with waste though, Adam thinks, is that things are getting too nice and too cheap. You will get something, and it cost maybe eight cents for some crippled third world child to make, but it looks so nice and expensive, so you don't want to get rid of it. But we can't keep everything.

6:11 THE KIDS

The Carolla twins have finally arrived at their home, and Dave wonders how it went. It was good, Adam says, but he wasn't as helpful as he could've been. It stems from the fact that for the past two years, he's practically done everything around that house, including building and renovating it, while Lynette hasn't lifted a finger.

6:16 NAMES

Listener Miranda calls in. She's carrying twins as well, and she needs a couple of baby names. The problem has been, though, that everybody seems to have a different idea of what they should be named, and nothing seems to be good enough.

Through the course of the conversation, Adam figures out that Miranda's boyfriend is unemployed. Unemployed, and she's got twins on the way? You might as well just give them prison numbers for names, because that's where they are going. "You need to find yourself a husband," Adam tells her, "and he needs to get a gig."

Does anybody who is really good at their job go for that long without a job? When you are unemployed for a while, you have to stop and wonder, are you just bad at what you do? Try to think about who you know that is really good at their job, but they can't find a gig.

6:36 MARK THE POET

Mark the Poet comes on the line. He left Angie about a million voicemails, asking when he could be back on the show (for his 23rd time, mind you.) He also wonders if maybe he could be compensated for his appearances.

His arch-nemesis, Brandon, is also on the phone. He's battling a cold, which is harder than battling against Mark the Poet.

The two of them square off in another round of their limerick war.

After they finish, Adam once again proclaims that Communism would never work, because you can clearly see how this competition has made the both of them step up their games. They are both getting so much better at what they do. Competition will always do that for you.

7:00 DANTE

Dante from the porn store calls in. They had a great weekend there at the Circus of Books in West Hollywood, due to the gay pride parade. Incidentally, gay pride parades are great if you want to get laid. 300,000 gay guys all drunk and charged up -- definitely a great place to get some tail if you're a gay guy.

They put one of the customers of the porn store on the line, who incidentally, happens to be a porn distributor.

7:18 NEWS

Tracy Metro reports the morning news.

The first Tropical Storm of the 2006 season, Tropical Storm Alberto, is spinning off of the Florida coast. It is not expected to grow into a Hurricane.

Entourage premiered last night on HBO.

7:27 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news, and takes a few calls from some haters.

7:45 OZZIE

Oswaldo is in the program to review the movie "A Prairie Home Companion".

Overall, the movie left Ozzie cold.

8:06 TERESA STRASSER CHECKS IN

Teresa is in New York to do Good Morning, America as a run-up to her new show, which premieres tonight. What's hilarious is, they got to take a limo to the show, and all these tourists were in Times Square watching, but when the door opened up, everybody was disappointed.

Apparently, the other day, Teresa said something about Tracy Metro's old college roommate, who also recently wrote a book. And apparently, said author decided to write a two page, vitriolic email to Teresa. Teresa felt bad, and decided to apologize. But it lead to yet another angry, two page email! So, she has to apologize on-air for that now.

Brusca tries to stir up a little controversy between Teresa and Tracy, but it flops, and Dave calls him out on it.

8:24 THE BRIGHT SIDE

Since Adam's a father now, he's decided to try and look at the "glass half full" side of things. So, it's time to play a spirited round of The Bright Side, the second cousin of "What Can't Adam Complain About?" In this game, listeners call up with their problems, and Adam will tell them why it's not nearly as bad as they think it is.

Mary comes on the line, after some initial confusion with the phone screening. Apparently, Tad put the wrong name, so when Adam tried to punch her up, she didn't realize he was trying to summon her. She had to put her cat to sleep. "GOOD. I HOPE IT WAS DONE WITH CHANNEL LOCKS," Adam fires back. "Wait, sorry. That wasn't supposed to happen."

Okay, listen, Adam continues. All cats love to sleep anyway. Now, he gets to do what he loves all the time.

Daniel checks in. Yesterday morning, he backed over his son's dog. We're definitely having a pet theme, Adam says. First of all, Daniel backed over the dog, which obviously isn't intentional, so that's better than hitting it head on. Second, it wasn't HIS dog, so it's not too bad. But it was a puppy, Daniel says, because they just got it on the third. At least it doesn't know what it had in store for it, Tracy says, because it was so young. Moreover, Adam adds, it would've jumped over the fence and mauled your neighbor once it got bigger. This definitely saved money on the lawsuit.

Justin calls in. He just found out his wife had an affair, and she's a stripper. But they have two kids together. How old is Justin, Adam wonders? He's 23. Well, okay. Justin made a mistake. The chick is a little nutty. She had her problems as a kid, and now she's going to work through them at McThirsties. He still has his two kids, and she won't get custody, because she's a stripper. He just needs to make sure this doesn't happen to him again. Never make the mistake again.

Joe has a problem, too. Yesterday, him and his girlfriend were having an argument, and he asked her to leave him alone. She wouldn't. So, he decided to give her a little nudge towards the door. She turned around and kicked him in the nuts, then punched him in the nose. Okay, kicked in the nuts with girl shoes. First off, Joe has a garage. That's already better than many people who rent. Second, she vented the anger. What would've happened if she'd left it bottled in? The next day, out of nowhere, she would take that out on him. But now, it's behind him, and it's on her. She's the one who has to apologize to Joe.

8:51 BOB PATTERSON ON THE PHONE

Bob Patterson, a Christian anti-porn activist, comes on the line. He's going to do battle with Adam and Yergei, who is the porn producer they spoke with at the Circus of Books this morning. He was near the studio, so he drove over to the studio to help Adam fight this battle.

It gets a little heated when Bob attacks the entire porn industry, and Yergei takes personal offense. What about him? What about his business? How would he make his money?

9:14 MARCO

Marco the Carpenter calls up. He's been listening to the show for a while on the job site, with a big boombox. His foreman came to him and said turn off the radio, the people next door are complaining. He got rid of it, and switched to a Walkman to listen instead. The foreman came back, and told him, we're going to have to let you go. Was it because of the radio, Adam wonders? Or was it because he's a bad carpenter?

Time for Adam's carpentry trivia challenge. He grills Marco to figure out if he's a real carpenter or not.

9:30 NEWS RECAP

Tracy Metro recaps the morning news.

9:34 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:44 "TEABAG" IN THE STUDIO

Robert Knepper, a.k.a. Theodore "Teabag" Bagwell on the hit FOX drama "Prison Break", is on the program. He likes to work with wood, which is surprising, Adam says. Adam's never built furniture, but he respects that.

Can Robert give any spoilers or tidbits, Adam asks? Nope, nope, nope. Nothing. Why would he give a Christmas present early? You'll just have to watch.

ADAM WITH PAT O'BRIEN, HARRY SHEARER, LOUIS C.K. AND VIDA GUERRA

2006-06-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH PAT O'BRIEN, HARRY SHEARER, LOUIS C.K. AND VIDA GUERRA -- 5am to 10am PST, June 9, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 THE MAN HIMSELF

Adam is back in the captain's chair this morning, after his kids were born a couple days ago. Dave notices that he's still got the bracelets on from the hospital, and Adam feels like he needs to let people know that they are not because he wants to be pompous. It's because if you leave them on, you get free parking at the hospital, where his wife currently is.

This is the weird thing about the nursery in the hospital, though. His kids were wrapped up tight in blankets, with beanies on. But everybody's beanies were the same color. You can't tell the genders apart that way. There are no distinguishing features at that age! So, of course, he made the suggestion -- put a blue beanie on the boy, and a pink beanie on the girl. How many people did Adam make that suggestion to, Teresa wonders? Only about a hundred and fourteen.

Cutting the cord was an odd experience, though. For months, they kept asking him "do you want to cut the cord?" No, of course not, he would say -- I don't want to cut the cord. He just assumed that they meant, go in there during the operation, and cut the cord while it's still between the child and the mother. That was not the case, though! What actually happened was, they took him into another room, with the child, after the cord had already been cut and clamped off, and they had him snip about three additional inches off of it. After he realized this, he felt a little embarrassed, Adam admits. But then, he asked around. He apologized to Lynette, but she didn't know that was how it worked. He asked a few other people, but none of them knew, either. Nobody else seems to have this information except the operating room doctors and the people who have already done it.

The entire situation reminds Adam of something that happened to him on a flight to Denver once. They were on approach to Denver, the stewardess had just made the announcements, and suddenly... there's a loud pop. It's jarring. Everybody in the cabin jumped noticably and gasped. Turns out, it was just the landing gear going down -- they stick on this particular plane. On the return flight, he was ready for it. Everybody but him jumped when it happened.

But then, it dawned on him.

Why didn't the stewardess warn everybody? The stewardess who does ths flight 10 times a day, couldn't bother herself to let us know, "you might hear a loud pop"?!? She just likes to lord it over everyone, Dave says.

6:29 BRYAN IS NOT APPRECIATED

Bryan the Sound Guy got a lot of grief from guest host Jimmy Kimmel over the course of the last two days. "It was jarring," Bryan says, to have someone criticizing his drops so openly -- especially the boss of the show.

6:33 KASSANDRAH

Kassandrah, the Puerto Rican 23-year-old fox who wants to be Adam's nanny, calls in. She's sent pictures, which will be going up on AdamCarolla.com. Adam says to go ahead and go, but she's definitely still in the running.

One thing Adam needs to consider is a gay nanny, he says, or just a regular male nanny -- for reasons he's brought up previously.

6:37 WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?

Dave is curious -- why did Adam even come in? He was scheduled to be out until Monday. Well, he felt bad for Jimmy Kimmel, because he had to do the late night show, and then get up and do the morning show. Dave was hoping he would spin it and say that he missed Billy or Bryan.

6:53 MEANT TO KNOW

Some things, people shouldn't know. One of those things is when you're going to die. The other thing, Adam now realizes, is when you're going to be born. Obviously, not the kids themselves, but everyone around them. It would be best for it to just happen, he thinks.

6:55 EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

Adam plays the exclusive first-ever interview with Adam's new kids, Sonny and Natalya, and talks a little bit about how he'll be raising his children. One important question Dave has: will Adam advocate spanking his kids? No, he never advocates spanking children, unless they give him the stink-eye.

7:14 PAT O'BRIEN ON THE PHONE

Pat O'Brien, a.k.a. the guy who lied, is on the phone. He had originally claimed that he would feature Adam's twins prominently on The Insider the day they were born, but it didn't turn out that way. "Don't hate the player," Pat proclaims, "hate the game."

This segment would be much funnier if Adam actually cared, he says.

Look, let's do this, Adam says. Since Pat broke his promise, he has to do something. He has to give Adam a free pass the next time he does something bizarre, like beating the hell out of a transsexual hooker on the street. If and when that happens, he doesn't want to hear about it on The Insider. If he fires one of the twins out of a potato gun towards Mecca, it better not wind up in the opening of the show, or even in the closing remarks. It'll be tricky to avoid putting it in the closing remarks, but he thinks he can do it.

One thing, though -- can Adam stop calling him "FPOB"? We'll see. WE'LL SEE?!?

7:20 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:28 SPORTS

Dave plows through the sports news.

7:43 HARRY SHEARER IN THE STUDIO

Harry Shearer, a.k.a. many, many voices of The Simpsons, is on the program. He plays a wide variety of characters, including Ranier Wolfcastle, Dr. Marvin Monroe, Ned Flanders, Montgomery Burns and more.

Adam has Harry fire Dave in the Mr. Burns voice. That brings up a great idea -- it'd be great if Harry would do custom firings in the character voices. "Honey, I got laid off, but he did it in the Mr. Burns voice, it was hysterical."

A cable channel has been running Spinal Tap on TV recently. There's an interesting story behind the origins of that movie, Harry says. It originally started out as a pilot for a show that didn't get picked up, and as they worked on it, it really evolved, and they felt like they could make a lot more out of it than they had originally thought. Adam admits, a lot of the Spinal Tap songs are very catchy.

Harry reads from the Star Jones autobiography, as Al Gore.

8:18 BIG TAD'S SILVER CHAIN

Why would some people go out of their way to mire themselves down more than they already are? Adam's of course referring to Big Tad, who today has decided to wear a black wrestling shirt, with a huge silver chain around his neck. Big Tad feels he should point out that he gets a lot of compliments on that chain, and people need to watch out, because he'll sick Billy on them.

8:25 A RE-ENACTMENT

Adam and Teresa do a re-enactment of a man trying to reconcile with his wife after having a long affair, much to the chagrin of Dave, who is left out.

A few callers come on to complain about Teresa replacing Dave in the re-enactments.

8:43 LOUIS C.K. IN THE STUDIO

Louis C.K., comedian and television star, is on the program. He's here to promote his new show, Lucky Louis, that will be airing following Entourage on HBO. It's unique, Adam points out, because it's the first three-camera sitcom ever done on a premium network. What makes it extra special, though, is the fact that they are on pay cable, so there are no standards and practices to follow, except that it has to be good. When the network's only notes are to "make it funnier", rather than "don't use this word, don't use that word," you can really go wild.

8:54 HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS

This time around, hypothetical questions is going a different route -- who would you rather have your kid turn into?

9:20 SPORTS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:28 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:38 VIDA GUERRA IN THE STUDIO

Vida Guerra, a model famous for her large "booty," is on the program. Big Tad immediately launches into telling Vita that everyone in the studio is either married or dating someone. Dave has to let Tad know that Big Tad has no chance.

She's appearing in Playboy as a cover girl, and the issue is on newsstands now.

JIMMY WITH GUILLERMO, PAT O'BRIEN, PEREZ HILTON, ADAM CAROLLA, SARAH SILVERMAN, MARK CUBAN AND BRIAN POSEHN

2006-06-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

JIMMY WITH GUILLERMO, PAT O'BRIEN, PEREZ HILTON, ADAM CAROLLA, SARAH SILVERMAN, MARK CUBAN AND BRIAN POSEHN-- 5am to 10am PST, June 8, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 TERESA'S BIRTHDAY

It was rough yesterday, Jimmy says, having to get up early to do this show, and then get to his ABC show and still manage to do everything he had to do there. The one thing that kept him going, though, was knowing he had to come in again today for Teresa's birthday.

6:03 DIVERSITY TRAINING

For Teresa's birthday, she gets to attend mandatory Diversity and Sensitivity Training at CBS Radio. Dave went to that yesterday, as well, and it's quite good. Unfortunately, people were encouraged to speak their minds during the training, and everyone decided to use that as a carte blanche to break out their own personal stand-up comedy.

6:08 AN ALTERNATIVE TO LEARNING

Billy Moses, the 17-year-old "web gopher", had a bit of an altercation with the rest of the staff yesterday, apparently. He told Brusca that he needs to be on the air more, and Brusca, rather loudly, explained that he brings nothing to the show, and they only put people on the air that can actually provide a little content.

Everyone wonders -- shouldn't Billy be at school? Yes, Brusca says, he goes to that alternative school. Teresa reminds everyone how Adam refers to it: "An alternative to learning."

It was explained to everyone by Billy that he saves his talents for when he's running the show. Jimmy says that maybe he'll get to demonstrate those skills to us a little bit later, and Dave adds that he also has a few choice words about the Deaf Frat Guy that he'll hopefully share at that time, as well.

6:22 TAKING BILLY DOWN A NOTCH

Jimmy again inquires why Billy isn't in school. Apparently he's in a home-schooling program, called Opportunities to Learning, where he just takes a couple of packets home. Jimmy laughs, because yesterday when he was leaving, Billy thanked him in the parking lot. "He's the ambassador to the show," Teresa points out.

There are two kinds of people in this world, Billy says -- implosive, and explosive. He's explosive.

Tim, a listener, calls in to the program. Billy doesn't have the personality to run the drive-through window at a fast food place. Jimmy tells him this is it -- it's time to explode.

It's time for Billy to have his own segment, Jimmy says. He's going to count him in, play some music, then launch him off and he can run it himself for a bit. That's cool, Billy says, but he needs the other assistant webmaster in the studio with him for his segment. Who, Marc, Dave asks? The one who sits in his office putting his nose to the grindstone, getting made fun of by you for never being on the air? Teresa says that Dave shouldn't attack Billy; he's only 17.

A few more listeners call in to let Billy know how they feel, and Marc comes into the studio to explain an altercation he had with Billy yesterday after the show.

6:46 OZZIE AND GUILLERMO'S MOVIE REVIEWS

Oswaldo, and Guillermo from Jimmy Kimmel Live!, are both in studio this morning to review "The Omen".

Jimmy talks to Guillermo about whether he believes in the Devil. He does indeed, so the movie was scary for him. Overall, it left Oswaldo cold, but it left Guillermo warm. But, here's the big question -- how was Ozzie's cooking? Guillermo says that cooking by Oswaldo is much like the movie. Very good.

7:00 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:08 SPORTS

Dave talks sports for a bit.

7:11 DAVE'S PREDICTIONS

Dave came in at 3:30 in the morning this morning, to do a little of his famous prognostication and record it. He managed to successfully predict that: Jim Brusca would wear glasses, Busta Rhymes would be the musical guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, and Teresa would desire Dave's friendship the most for her birthday. Teresa says that 2 out of 3 isn't bad.

7:16 TIM ON TERRORISM

Jimmy's friend Tim calls up to explain exactly how we can defeat the terrorists. He thinks that when we are attacked by terrorists, much like 9/11, we should utilize a device that he refers to as the Wheel Of Terror. It is a wheel, similar to the wheel on Price Is Right, with every terrorist-country's name on it. We would take the wheel on TV, and spin it. Whichever country it landed on, we would nuke into dust. Even if we knew they weren't involved.

It would be the end of terrorism.

7:28 PEREZ HILTON

Jimmy's got a problem with Pat O'Brien now -- The Insider didn't mention the birth of the Carolla twins at all. So, they turn to their gossip correspondent that actually still cares about the show, Perez Hilton, who is in the studio.

7:33 ADAM CAROLLA LIVE!

They've got a bunch of people on hold, but they need to get to Adam Carolla first, because it is his show. "It was my show," Adam says, "but you've taken it." Jimmy's definitely got to go back to his own show after today though, he says, because he's about to drop dead from exhaustion.

A few different organizations come on the line with Adam and Jimmy to discuss the potential sale of photographs of Adam's beautiful new babies. Their first offer is upwards of $6, but unfortunately, that's too low. They take another offer, which bumps up to $500.

Adam has to point out that he only had these kids for the publicity. About ten months ago, his publicist called him and said "You're coolin' off baby, we gotta pour the heat on, what can we do?" He told the guy that the kids thing is blowing up, so maybe he should have some kids? Now he's got a sham marriage and a pair of kids, and all he's getting offered is $500?

This is just all going very badly, Jimmy says.

7:50 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, has joined the program. He definitely feels like they should donate the proceeds from the sale of the baby pictures to the Delta Fu house. Jimmy asks Maverick to explain exactly what this new fraternity is. Perez wonders if they'll let gays into the frat. Maverick is dumbfounded -- are you serious?

The little feud between Webmaster Billy, the explosive on-air personality, and Maverick, has ramped up. Maverick says that Billy is a really cool guy and they are tight now. Apparently, Billy doesn't feel that way. Jimmy has Billy explain to Maverick what he feels. Maverick definitely thinks that Billy should join the frat -- they'll have a really great time at Hell Week. Put it this way -- he won't be able to sit for a week.

Perez decides to chime in on all these "Billy Is Gay" comments. Just because a guy talks the way Billy does, doesn't mean he's gay.

8:08 SARAH SILVERMAN IN THE STUDIO

Sarah Silverman has joined the program, but Jimmy opens the segment by letting everyone know that Billy is still in the studio, and he gave Jimmy a lecture on the relationship between a radio DJ and his listeners, which "was a lot of fun." He has to tell Billy to get out of the studio, so he can conduct a radio show. He can't turn it over to some 17-year-old high school drop-out.

Unfortunately, it's time for Dave to blow the whistle -- Jimmy and Sarah are actually best friends and lovers. That brings Teresa to the next question, which is of course, how was the sex last night? "Vigorous."

"Does that mean short?"

"No!"

8:31 MARK CUBAN ON THE LINE

Mark Cuban, the owner of the Dallas Mavericks, comes on the phone. Jimmy recalls that he came on Jimmy Kimmel Live once before, and they were supposed to become best friends. What was that number Jimmy gave him, Mark asks? 555-1212? He kept calling, but it didn't work.

8:37 ADAM ON THE LINE

Adam Carolla calls back in -- apparently he's back at home. Sarah says that she saw pictures of the babies, and Adam points out that he saw pictures of some kids on the Adam Carolla Message Board last night, but they are fake. No no, Sarah says, she saw these straight from Jimmy Kimmel himself.

Why is Adam not at the hospital with his wife, Teresa wonders? He called Lynette, and she said that he was trying to sleep, so he should just stay at home.

8:52 THE METRO MINUTE WITH TRACY METRO

Tracy Metro is on the program this morning, bringing her coverage of the MTV Movie Awards to the show for us. She's been running all over town doing interviews and such, and she's actually brought some swag with her for Teresa and Dave.

This whole fight between Teresa and Tracy is highly exaggerated by Jim Brusca. Not only that, it's basically invented by Brusca, Teresa says.

Apparently, Mike Lynch, Dave Dameshek and Jim Brusca took Tracy into the production office, shut the door, and tried to secretly tape her saying bad things about Teresa. It didn't go over well. What DID happen, though, is that Tracy asked if Teresa's contract was up soon, or when it was up, or something similar. That's a lie, Tracy says. Teresa was saying a few things, though. "If she comes in here with her self-promoting nonense, I will destroy her." Wow.

9:15 BILL WALTON ON THE PHONE

Bill Walton calls in to talk with Kimmel and the crew for a bit.

9:19 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news, with Tracy Metro lording over her.

9:23 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:33 THE CELEBRITY NERD-OFF TALENT SEARCH CONTINUES

So far, Patton Oswalt and Dana Gould are participants in the celebrity nerd-off competition. Now, it's time to audition another one -- Brian Posehn. Brian definitely qualifies, because he's got a new comic book coming out, "The Last Christmas".

Mike Dawson runs him through some audition questions.

9:47 THE EXCLUSIVE

It's time for an exclusive first-ever interview with the new Carolla twins, Natalya and Sonny.

JIMMY WITH JACK SILVER, CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, JOE ROGAN AND THE CAROLLA FAMILY

2006-06-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

JIMMY WITH JACK SILVER, CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, JOE ROGAN AND THE CAROLLA FAMILY -- 5am to 10am PST, June 7, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 JIMMY VERSUS THE FCC

Jimmy launches the show with a bang by saying so many profane things, they run out of "dump" and have to kill all of the microphones. "Nobody turns off these microphones," Jimmy says, "if Jack Silver comes in here and turns off these microphones, HE is fired."

Brusca spins them off into a discussion of what you can and cannot say on the radio.

Jimmy's familiar with everyone in the room, save Bryan the Sound Guy. Who is his favorite, Dave wonders? Brusca, of course. Or, maybe, Big Tad. Jimmy and Tad go all the way back to the KROQ days, and when he first met Tad, he was wearing a far-too-tight Green Day shirt, and sunglasses, inside.

Originally, Big Tad was going to be in the delivery room, covering the birth of Adam's children live. Adam backed out of that plan at the last second, and Jimmy wonders why. Brusca thinks that maybe, just maybe, Adam didn't want Lynette looking up and accidentally seeing Big Tad standing there over her while she was giving birth. Jimmy thinks she should be more worried about seeing Adam Carolla and realizing that he's the father of her children.

6:08 JACK SILVER ON THE PHONE

Jimmy had them get Jack Silver, the FREE FM program director, on the phone, to demand that he be allowed to say the word "Boner." Jack makes an executive decision, and allows them to say it.

6:20 THE JERK REPORT WITH DAVE DAMESHEK
This might work better as a list of some sort, Jimmy thinks, rather than just an unordered list. Dave doesn't want to give any of these jerks a leg up on the others, though.

There's a magazine out there, called Sports Illustrated. They've got a list out now, called The Best Number 12s, and of course, Dave's mind went straight to Terry Bradshaw, as he's sure everyone elses did, too. But, somehow, who made it to number one? TOM BRADY!? WHAT! It needs to be Terry Bradshaw!

Many people have written in and said that not only should Jim Brusca be on the Jerk Report, but he should be put into the Hall Of Shame, along with Barry Bonds. This week, though, he's going to spare Brusca. One last chance.

The NBA finals are tomorrow, and Dwayne Wade was on TV being interviewed about a phone call that he received from Michael Jordan. This is turning into a recurring theme -- Michael Jordan calling up basketball players, and telling them what the score is. Dave feels like he needs to call up Jordan and tell him what he is. A JERK!

Now that's over, and it's time for some real professional comedy, Jimmy says.

6:29 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian has decided that, since he's a protege of Jeff Ross, he is going to roast The Adam Carolla Show.

6:42 ADAM CAROLLA ON THE PHONE

Jimmy calls Adam at the hospital, where he awaits the birth of his children, to check in and see how he is doing. He's very nervous, but okay. He turns up the volume on the heartbeat monitor so everyone can hear.

"I just got the stink-eye," Adam points out. "Oops, I just got it again." He's pretty sure that these hospitals pay short-haired, fat women with thick rimmed glasses are paid to just make the rounds -- they poke their head into each room, make a face as if they are seeing the most horrible thing ever, then move on.

Just in case Adam hadn't picked any names, Jimmy reads off the top ten male and female African American baby names.

7:03 NEVAEH

The most popular African-American female name on the list was Nevaeh, and a listener calls up to point out that it's actually Heaven backwards.

7:05 NEWS

Teresa reads the morning news.

7:15 SPORTS

Dave reports on the sports news.

7:29 DRUNKEN TREE MASCOT

Erin, a.k.a. the Drunken Tree Mascot, is on the program. She's here to prove her case to Jimmy and the crew about why she should be allowed to be the nanny to Adam's children.

Cassandra calls back in to compete with the Drunken Tree Mascot.

7:48 WHAT CAN'T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It's time to play a spirited round of What Can't Adam Complain About, even though Adam isn't here.

8:05 ROCKY SIX

Mike Dawson, Technical Producer of the show, is in the studio to talk about an advance screening of Rocky 6 that he saw last night. The name of the picture is actually Rocky Balboa, with no number in the title at all. Rocky owns a restaurant, and Adrienne is dead. He basically goes around telling people in his restaurant about his old fights, and they're getting sick of hearing it, so he decides that he needs to get back on the horse and fight one last time.

Overall, Rocky 6 left this reviewer cold.

8:21 JOE ROGAN IN THE STUDIO

Joe Rogan, assumed arch-rival of Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla, is on the program. Jimmy wants to clarify that he is not enemies with Joe, despite what people might think of him following Jimmy and Adam on The Man Show.

A lot of people seemed to think that Fear Factor wouldn't last, but it has -- this is the sixth season. It's gotta be over after this, though, Joe says. The ratings were terrible last season.

Joe tells the story of how he got into a fist fight with one of the Fear Factor contestants, and how he got into an email fight with some kid named Kevin on MySpace.com.

8:43 KEVIN ON THE LINE

Kevin, the person who got into the MySpace fight with Joe, is on the phone. He got a MySpace bulletin from Joe Rogan, saying that he had a show coming up, so he just went ahead and replied, and it just escalated from there.

The main problem Joe has is that the Internet, and the anonymity of it, has given people this carte blanche to attack others, and it's not good. You wouldn't just walk up to people on the street and tell them they weren't funny.

8:49 OSWALDO AND ADAM CHECKS IN

Oswaldo checks in from the hospital, where Adam's twins have now been born. They are 6 something and 5 something pounds, with the boy being the bigger of the two. He doesn't know how Lynette and Adam are doing, but Adam has now called in, so they link him in as well.

Adam's got to apologize to Ozzie -- when he walked in, they handed him a mop. But before he unveils the names, he has to apologize again, because he's already written two childrens books, and they're going to be available on Amazon soon.

And now, the baby names.

The boy is going to be... Sonny Carolla.

And the girl is going to be... Natalya Carolla.

Lynette isn't exactly "Viking stock", Adam says. She didn't exactly take child birth like a man. Adam was, in fact, in the delivery room, and he did cut the cord. He didn't want to, but the guy handed him the snippers and just shoved him into his kids.

9:06 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:12 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news, and plays a spirited round of NBA Player or Tech Stock with a caller.

9:27 PAT O'BRIEN ON THE PHONE

Pat O'Brien, from The Insider, calls in to talk a little bit about the birth of Adam's twins. This has got to be the top story, Dave insists. Pat needs some tips on how to announce it on the show, though, so Jimmy comes up with a few ideas for him.

The real question Pat has for Jimmy, is this: is Jimmy going to have this news on HIS show? "Of course," Jimmy says. "It's all very incestuous."

Incidentally, if you'd like to bid on the first photos of Adam's children, call Pat O'Brien's office.

9:43 BILLY MOSES ON THE LITTLE CAROLLAS

Jimmy brings Billy Moses, the 17-year-old "web gopher", as Jimmy puts it, into the studio. He's got to know one thing -- is Billy jealous? No, Billy says, because Adam will still be at the studio every day, so he'll still get to see him every day. Be careful though, Jimmy says, because Adam might start loving his children more than he loves Billy.

9:45 OZZIE ON THE LOOSE

They are trying to get Oswaldo back on the line, because Jimmy doesn't want to bother Adam again, if they can avoid it. They can't get him, but they can get Lauren, Adam's sister. Adam's mom is there at the hospital, but his father isn't there.

Finally, they get Ozzie on the phone. Unfortunately, without Adam to translate, it's difficult to understand what he's saying. Jimmy instructs him to covertly take pictures of the kids, so they can sell them to magazines.

ADAM WITH DR. 90210, DONALD BURGETT AND THE LORD OF LIES

2006-06-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH DR. 90210, DONALD BURGETT AND THE LORD OF LIES -- 5am to 10am PST, June 6, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 PAVING THE WAY

Adam's decided that, unlike him, his children are going to college. But he needs a way to pay for it. So, he's come up with an invention that's going to take care of all of it for him.

A device that lets you cut your shoelaces to the right length, and then put that little plastic tip back on the end. Basically, it's just a little plastic piece that wraps the top of the shoelace, and then some kind of heating element that shrinks it to fit, so it stays on.

If that doesn't exist already, Dave says, it'll definitely pay for a college education.

6:07 THE NANNY

Cassandra calls up -- she still wants to be Adam's nanny. She's called before, several times, and now that the children are about to be born, she's got to make sure that the job is hers.

Adam breaks her heart by announcing that he has a list of nannies. She asks -- are they San Dieagan? Are they Puerto Rican? No, no, Adam confirms -- she's the number one San Dieagan, Puerto Rican candidate. That means the rest of them aren't as hot as her, she says. She's a 34C, 28, 36 and she's got big, beautiful brown eyes. And, of course, she's great with kids.

"Please stay on the line," Dave asks her, "so we can have you send one of the producers a picture of yourself."

Here's the thing, though, Adam says. You always hear about these celebrities that hire hot whatevers -- hot nannies, hot assistants, etc. And they inevitably end up running away with them, breaking up their marriage. Teresa wonders if Adam's wife is ever jealous of his beautiful assistant Lindsey? No, she's not, Adam laments. It really bugs him, too. Dave's pretty sure he knows how that conversation went -- "Oh, you think you can get Lindsey, Adam? Ahahahah!"

The best assistant to have is a guy, Adam thinks, except that he might bang your wife while you aren't home. If you have a female assistant, or a gay assistant, it's hard to ask them to carry things. You'll know there's a heavy box downstairs, and you need it upstairs, so you look at the female assistant, and you look at the gay assistant, and end up deciding to get it yourself.

As far as the nanny thing goes, Adam's explained to his wife that she's the nanny. The rest of the crew can imagine how that went. The funny part about that is, though, that his wife will be at home all day, but she'll still want someone else doing all of the work. Back in the day, it was obvious that the woman would be at home raising the children. Not too long ago, women would have a daycare, or a nanny of some kind, so they could work during the day as well. Now, it seems like women have somehow swung it so that they don't have jobs, and just sit at home all day, but they still have a stable of nannies and maids at the ready. The woman basically becomes some kind of at-home foreman, just managing all of the hired help.

6:31 JAN

Jan, from Plattsburgh, NY, is on the line. She was actually beat by her son with a promotional West Coast Choppers bottle opener, because she was rooting for Taylor Hicks to win American Idol, and he was rooting for Katherine McPhee.

Adam asks Jan if she talks to everyone in that condescending sing-song tone. "No, no, I'm sorry." She tells Adam she's a really sweet person. Everyone says that, though.

If this woman is not a candidate for "Definitely Not a Jew", there's never been one.

Apparently, during the Idol finale, her son was drinking 160 proof vodka. Adam notes that he's got to write that one down -- he didn't realize it existed. Obviously, this incident proves that you should not sit around and booze with the family.

6:56 DONALD BURGETT ON THE PHONE

In honor of D-Day, Adam speaks with Donald Burgett, one of the men who actually participated in the Normandie D-Day invasion. Donald was a member of the 101st "Screaming Eagle" Airborne, and was awarded the Bronze Star, two Purple Heart awards, 4 campaign stars, 2 invasion bronze arrowheads, 3 U.S. Presedential Citations, 5 Divisional Decorations, and Holland's Orange Lanyard.

His book, "Currahee! A Screaming Eagle at Normandy", an account of his experiences during World War II, is in book stores now.

7:21 NEWS

Yesterday, the National Guard began their patrol of the U.S./Mexico border.

A study published yesterday found that strict parents are far more likely to wind up with children that are overweight. Children with strict parents may be eating to compensate for the stress.

7:30 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:47 DR. 90210

Dr. Robert Ray, a.k.a. "Dr. 90210", is on the program. He just got back from judging a Venezualan beauty contest, and my god -- those women are absolutely gorgeous, he says. They don't even get work done on them. Their secret is cross-breeding. They've managed to find the perfect mix to make the most beautiful women in the world.

Dr. Ray tells the story of how he did a little "air marshalling" on a flight he was on.

8:00 THE BREAST IMPLANTS

Caller Marco comes on the line. Someone has recommended that his wife have her breast implants removed before child birth, then put back in after she's had the child. Dr. Ray doesn't feel like that's a customary procedure, and as long as she wears a bra around the house and everywhere she goes during the pregnancy, there shouldn't be any complications.

A few more listeners call in with plastic surgery questions for Dr. Ray.

8:16 MORE BAGEL TALK

Adam's going on a bagel rant again, he says. The hole in the bagel -- can we not have that? Let's just get rid of that.

8:17 SATAN

The Lord of Lies, the Sultan of Terror himself, Satan, calls up in celebration of Mark of the Beast Day. He's got a few names for Teresa's Vagina, as well as some fathering tips for Adam.

8:30 LYNETTE ON THE PHONE

Adam's wife Lynette is on the phone. She's very nervous about giving birth to their twins tomorrow, but she's doing okay. She's got to go see her OBGYN, the one that Adam apparently got into a fight with. Last time they had a run-in, she recommended that they name the boy Elliot. That sparked off a big debate with the two of them about whether or not Elliot is a "nerd name."

"Was there a point in the relationship where you realized that Adam would be the father of your children," Teresa asks? Oh yes, Lynette says -- it was actually early on. He's very nuturing and loving "in real life."

8:55 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. Deaf Frat Guy, is on the program. He's brought one of his frat buddies, Flojo, along with him. (You can check out Maverick's new frat at DeafFratGuy.com.)

Flojo is still a member of Maverick's former frat, so Adam and the crew talk to him about what it would take to possibly convert him to Delta Fu Gamma.

9:23 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:30 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:46 LINDSEY'S ILL-FATED DATE

Lindsey, Adam's gorgeous assistant, steps into the booth to talk a little bit about her date with the "Prince" last night. As some might remember from yesterday's show, Lindsey tried to hook up with "Apprentice" winner Bill Rancic, but he pawned her off on this "Prince" character. They decided on a date to the live taping of the Apprentice finale last night.

For the record, he's not a real prince. And the date wasn't very memorable.

ADAM WITH BILL RANCIC AND BISHOP DON "MAGIC" JUAN

2006-06-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH BILL RANCIC AND BISHOP DON "MAGIC" JUAN -- 5am to 10am PST, June 5, 2006

6:00 SIX SIX SIX

Adam is enjoying his last few days of childlessness, and at the last minute, he decided to have his kids morn on 6/7/06, instead of 6/6/06. Although he's an athiest, he was a little freaked out about driving past so many ominous black and white billboards with his kids' birthday written on it. Plus, so many people are up in arms over this, he figures he should just go ahead and push it back a day.

Dave disagrees with this reasoning. He feels like it'd be great to be the guy born on 6/6/06; you'd be quite the badass. Maybe, Adam says. But there's a girl in that mix, and he doesn't want her to be a badass too. A lot of people are saying that this is the apocalypse, Dave adds. There's a lot of soothsaying and prognosticating flying around say that tomorrow, 6/6/06, may be the end of the world.

The real problem, Adam thinks, is all of the people who have to come up and tell you "your life is never going to be the same after kids." Thanks, everybody. Why would you say that?

6:11 CINCO DE JUNIO

Since it's Cinco de Junio, the Fifth of June, the mariachi band from the Cinco de Mayo celebration has returned to the studio. They play a little to introduce themselves.

6:13 NAMES

The burning question, Dave says, is this -- have you decided on baby names? Yes, Adam and Lynette have picked out the names. He can't reveal them yet, though. He'll say what they are on the air after they are born.

6:27 PASTRIES

Adam got into an argument with his wife yesterday, over some pastries. Last week, he announced to Oswaldo that he was going on a diet. He responded by bringing a box of pastries by his house every Friday. That's just how he shows his love. Adam likes to give people the thumbs up, and Ozzie gives people danishes. Adam, incidentally, LOVES danish. Unfortunately, his wife has no sweet tooth whatsoever. She just won't eat the stuff. Finally, on Sunday, things came to a head. He opened the fridge, and saw the danish sitting there. He's on a diet, so he can't eat it. But there it is, staring at him. He screamed at her, "Would you please eat this danish?" She of course was confused, because she just didn't want it. Finally, he had to tell her, "eat this goddamned danish, before I kill you with it." Okay, fine, I'll eat it, she says -- and I hope I choke on it, and we all die.

Ozzie comes into the booth and apologies for giving him a danish.

6:35 ROCKY DELGADILLO ON THE PHONE

The other candidate for Attorney General of California, Rocky DelGadillo, comes on the line to talk with Adam and the crew in the interests of equal time. Adam has to vent on him a bit about the red left turn arrows, as well as the "Click It or Ticket" campaign.

Another thing Adam has a problem with is the 911 system abuse. Who is doing anything to stop the horrendous abuse of 911 for useless things like "turn my neighbors stereo down"? It's just frivolous. Does anything get done? There is a fine for using 911 too much, Rocky says. It is something they try to pursue.

6:58 KIMMEL

Adam and Dave announce that Jimmy Kimmel will be hosting the show while Adam is out being with his newborn kids. He hopes Jimmy's good, but not TOO good -- he doesn't want America to fall in love with Kimmel.

7:01 TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW

It's time to play a new game, and hopefully Jimmy will play a little bit of it, too. The new game, is "Tell me something I don't know." We've all heard so many things, but everybody seems to have a few factoids that nobody around them knows. So, in this game, Adam wants people to tell him things he doesn't know.

After the crew runs through theirs, they take some calls.

7:19 NEWS

Canadian police foiled a terror plot over the weekend.

Last night was The Sopranos season finale.

Al Gore's documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, has finally cracked the top ten. In per-theater averages, the movie is actually doing very well, Teresa says.

7:29 SPORTS

Dave covers the morning sports news.

7:44 BISHOP DON "MAGIC" JUAN IN THE STUDIO

America's favorite pimp, Don "Magic" Juan, is on the program. Adam hasn't seen him since they dressed up and did a little segment for The Man Show, where Adam and Jimmy turned out a couple of ho's. Don remembers that Adam asked if they were going to get pulled over for driving with an "open chalice." That's the best part about Don -- he drinks out of a chalice. When the cops see you drinking a can of beer, it's obvious it's a can of beer. But if they see you holding a chalice, obviously you're just drinking the blood of Christ.

Don got his start in Chicago, before he came out to Los Angeles. So, Dave's got to know -- better hoes in Chicago, or L.A.? Definitely Chicago, he says. These girls in Los Angeles always have their hand out; they don't appreciate the pimp very much.

Why'd you give up the pimpin', Adam wonders? Well, one day, God came to him and told him he needed to give up the life, and give up the women, or he wouldn't live another two weeks. Adam follows up -- were you high? Oh yes, Don says.

8:12 JARON OFF DA HIZZLE

Jaron, the show's black intern, is in the studio. He's having a little problem with the ladies, and Adam wants Don to give him a few tips on talking to women.

8:27 FRANK VINCENT ON THE PHONE

Frank Vincent, a.k.a Phil Leotardo from "The Sopranos", is on the phone to talk about last night's season finale.

8:51 OSWALDO'S MOVIE REVIEWS

Ozzie is in the studio to review "The Break Up", starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn.

9:08 BILL RANCIC IN THE STUDIO

Bill Rancic, the winner of Season 1 of NBC's "The Apprentice", is on the program to talk about tonight's season finale. Adam wonders just how many of these they've done -- it's gotta be up to five now, he thinks. Tonight is the end of the fifth, Bill confirms. Somehow, Dave adds, Bill has managed to become the only famous winner of The Apprentice. The other ones have done some things, too, Bill says, but basically, that's true.

Adam pitches Bill an idea he's had for a restaurant: the food you ate growing up in your home town. People always leave town and come to Los Angeles, and have some In-n-Out burger, and say "Oh this is good, but such and such where I'm from is better." It's sortof like a food court, where you can grab, say, an In-n-Out burger, and then go across the street and grab some of whatever you ate back in the day.

9:39 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:43 SPO--

Dave tries desperately to do the sports, but Adam won't let him.

9:43 DAVID IN THE CLINK

David, their fan from a California maximum security prison, calls in. He wants to play a little song on his guitar for the crew. The prison has good acoustics, Teresa points out. Adam feels like he could definitely do two years standing on his head with this guy strumming behind him.

ADAM WITH TRACY MORGAN, FRANK VINCENT, JOE GANNASCOLI, PEREZ HILTON, JESSIE JANE AND KRISTEN PRICE

2006-06-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH TRACY MORGAN, FRANK VINCENT, JOE GANNASCOLI, PEREZ HILTON, JESSIE JANE AND KRISTEN PRICE -- 5am to 10am PST, June 2nd, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 NUTTY?

Tracy Morgan is going to be on the show today, and Adam has to point out that he's crazy. Now, some people find it offensive when you call them crazy. But some people just really are crazy. When a celebrity takes offense to being called nuts, when it's true, it's true.

Some might call the leader of the free world crazy, Dave adds, for putting the fate of our nation, and the fate of the planet, into the hands of "the Lord Almighty." The thing that's definitely terrifying about that is, there's been Presidents like Bill Clinton that have gone off and consulted the Lord, or some other higher power, and they pretend to believe in it -- but they don't. Meanwhile, George W. Bush will say it, and he believes it.

6:05 CALLER RICHARD

Richard comes on the line. He flips out about being on the phone with Adam, and wants him to guess where he works. Since Richard seems to be flamboyantly gay, Adam's going to guess "video store." The video store seems to be the only place that the incredibly strange or otherwise unemployable can find steady work. Either that, or maybe a place like the subway. Richard says that he works with some foot longs, and he serves 'em up pretty good, but he doesn't work at Subway.

There should really be some rule against naming your sandwich shop the same name as a pervasive public service, Adam laments.

6:14 CALLER JUSTIN

Justin calls in. He's a self-proclaimed "goddamn gay BMW mechanic." Adam immediately launches into quizzing Justin on car parts, with Teresa joining in to help come up with questions. Dave loves this idea, and thinks it should be an ongoing game -- Car Trivia with Adam versus the Gay Mechanics.

6:28 MACK DADDY

Larry Bleidner, the author of "Mack Daddy: Mastering Fatherhood Without Losing Your Style, Your Cool, or Your Mind", is in the studio to talk to Adam about being a new Dad. It's literally down into the hours before Adam's wife has her kid, he points out -- something like 100 hours now, if everything goes according to schedule.

This nation is turning its' children into a bunch of pussies, Larry feels. Adam definitely agrees. That ties into one of the tips that really stands out on the list, which is, teach your children to kick bully ass. How does that work, Adam asks? Well, you could physically kick the bullys ass for your kid, inflicting physical harm on a minor, but it's better to just ensure that your child will not tolerate that kind of behavior out of others.

Adam has a problem with the closing gap between the "responsibilities" of men and women. It seems like the left in this country has really begun blurring the line between the two genders -- and it seems like that was their goal. They think women should be in the military, and they think men should be doing homebody things.

The biggest tip for fatherhood is to "maintain your edge." Everyone wants to think that their Dad could kick everyone's ass, and fix the car when it breaks down on the side of the road, and all of the other things that go along with being a cool Dad, Adam says. That's very true, Larry agrees.

In the operating room, what should Adam be doing, he asks? And, more importantly, is it inappropriate for him to be nipping off of a flask? Are you kiddng, Larry asks? Throw a keg party in that delivery room. And, look. You see on TV the husband is always holding the wife's hand, and telling her it'll be okay, and being so serious. That's not what they need. They need to be laughing; you need to be making them laugh. Adam points out that is what his wife told him. Incidentally, she asked him to bring David Alan Grier with him.

6:52 TRACY MORGAN IN THE STUDIO

Tracy Morgan of "Crank Yankers" and "Saturday Night Live" fame is on the program. Tracy, a.k.a. Spoony Love, had a blast doing the Crank Yankers bits, he says -- it's amazing how people respond to crank calls.

It's funny about calling white guys as a black guy and telling them they are a racist, Adam feels. A lot of times, you'll get the one that feels like he's got to compensate for the racism of his people, so you can pretty much say anything you want to the guy. Adam wonders how it works with homeless people. Are the black people telling the black homeless guys "I ain't givin you nothin", but the white people are feeling bad for the black homeless guys and giving them money?

Recently, Tracy's one-man posse Leroy had to bark at his wife for trying to turn him into a woman. He had to tell her to get back into that kitchen. Teresa says, "and make you what?" Adam kicks in "happy." He had to tell his wife to get in the kitchen, take down the disposal and put her mouth there, because that's how he likes it -- through the insinkerator.

Adam talks a little bit about his plan to burn an image of his large wang into the heads of his children. His thinking is, to impress them, you have to be in the shower, and get a little wood. Just a little blood flow down there. Then, call the kid in, and open the shower door while you're doing something casual, like drying your hair. They'll get a load of you and the image of your oversized member will be burned into their minds forever.

7:35 NEWS

Teresa goes over the morning news.

At Guantanamo Bay, 89 prisoners are now on hunger strikes.

The Scripps National Spelling Bee aired live on national network television for the first time last night.

Anna Nicole Smith has confirmed, via video blog entry, that she is pregnant.

An argument over who should've won American Idol escalated beyond comprehension when a New York man assaulted his mother with a bicycle chain during the night of the premiere, after she claimed that Katherine McPhee would still have a successful career, despite losing.

7:44 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

NBA.
Last night, Suns got dumped by the Mavericks.

7:58 FRANK VINCENT AND JOE GANNASCOLI ON THE PHONE

Frank Vincent, a.k.a Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos, is on the phone. We're rapidly closing in on the season finale of The Sopranos, with an additional eight episodes coming up soon.

Joe Gannascoli also comes on the line. He plays Gay Vito on The Sopranos, or rather, he used to -- his character was recently killed in the series by Phil Leotardo. Adam points out that Joe lied when he said that he'd be filming an additional eight episodes of the show, he was lying. Yes, sadly he was, Joe admits.

Teresa brings up the fact that Joe has been receiving tremendous support from the gay community since he began portraying Gay Vito. He's actually been the Grand Marshall of a gay pride parade, as well.

8:18 PEREZ HILTON'S HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS

Perez Hilton, the Hollywood Gossip Queen, is on the phone to give us some of the latest happenings.

One of the big new movies coming out this weekend is "The Break-Up"; it was supposed to be fabulous, but it's getting awful, awful reviews. Dave sees that in the New York Times today. It got one and a half stars! Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are going so far out of their way to stay apart in the media, that they will not even hold joint press conferences to promote this movie.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are already talking about having another child.

Apparently, Tori Spelling is pregnant. Teresa figures she must've already been pregnant when she got married.

Unfortunately, they have to let Perez off the phone, because he's on a cell phone, and it's driving Adam absolutely crazy. He's going to go out on a limb and say that cell phones are slightly lower quality than a land line. And what's more bizarre, is that in Los Angeles, cell phones have so many dead spots. Where else in the U.S. are there more people talking on their cell phones? And we can't make them work good here?

8:38 JESSIE JANE & KRISTEN PRICE IN THE STUDIO

Jessie Jane and Kristen Price are on the program this morning to have a little Strip Spelling Bee. They'll be facing off against Big Tad, just like last time. But this time, there's a catch. Big Tad and Larissa the Intern have been dispatched to the IHOP across the street from the studio, so nobody from the show has to actually watch him strip.

With Mike Dawson doing the emceeing, the spelling bee kicks off.

The ladies blow the spelling of the word "nymphomaniac", and have to take their shirts off. Teresa points out that Kristen doesn't seem to have worn a bra today, so she's topless, but Jessie still has her bra on.

As Big Tad starts removing clothes, Larissa laments that people have now come out onto the patio they are sitting on, and they're trying to eat.

Kirsten blows another word, and has to drop her pants. Brusca can't take his eyes off of the breasts in the room. "THIS IS THE BEST SEGMENT WE'VE EVER DONE, CAROLLA! I PROCLAIM FRIDAY TO BE NUDIE FRIDAY!"

Big Tad's got to drop his pants. "Oh my God, I cannot do this," Larissa moans, before she has to step away; she can't watch. Tad announces to the collected IHOP patrons that he is going to have to do something they won't want him to do. If it's any consolation, there are two beautiful naked women in the studio (that he can't see.)

They run out of clothes, and then, they misspell the word "fellatio." Adam tells them they have to make out, and they go right at it. It's not that movie style make-out, either. Pre-Op Board Op Bill stands so he can see, with the excuse of "It's lesbianism; it's in my wheelhouse."

Adam tells Brusca to head over to the bathroom and let the plume of steam out of his pants.

9:14 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:23 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:37 DANA GOULD IN THE STUDIO

The comedian Dana Gould is on the program to chat it up with the crew. He asks Adam if the twins in his wife's stomach actually try to fight it out for control of the womb; Adam says he actually had to give the boy a folding chair to back him up.

His advice to Adam? Sleep now, because that is going away.

Apparently, Dana Gould is a nerd, much like Patton Oswalt. His era is Planet of the Apes, though. They're trying to assemble a Celebrity Nerd-Off Competition, so they recruit Dana to participate in that.

They burn through a few nerd questions to test him out.

ADAM WITH DEAF FRAT GUY, JERRY BROWN, ELLEN (THE 79-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER), JEFF ROSS, JANICE DICKINSON, BRAXTON BILBREY

2006-06-01T10:01:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH DEAF FRAT GUY, JERRY BROWN, ELLEN (THE 79-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER), JEFF ROSS, JANICE DICKINSON, BRAXTON BILBREY – 5am to 10am PST, June 1, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 THE MORNING ROUTINE

Adam says he has a fairly set morning routing, and his mouth does not open until 2 minutes before the show begins. He needs to do the equivalent of cracking the knuckles before sitting down and talking on the radio.

6:03 PHONES

For the first ten years of the phone machine, Adam says that you had to pick up. Now, everything goes to voicemail so quickly that there isn’t a chance to pick up. Dave mentions that movies are at a loss because of this. There’s nothing left to really build tension.

6:07 ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT

Teresa was on Entertainment Tonight last night. The crew listens to an audio clip with rave music in the background, and Adam asks, “What’s with the rave music in the background?” Dave laughs and says that it signifies breaking news to make it seem more exciting.

Adam says that everyone learns to hate the people they work with eventually. It doesn’t matter what the job is: sales, camera personality or radio host. The longer people work together the more they hate one another. Dr. Drew is different with Adam because Adam is the Alpha and Dr. Drew is a Beta. With Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy is the Alpha and Adam is the Beta. He says you have to be flexible if you want to have a long relationship. The only way it can change is if one of the two men starts to go out with a supermodel.

6:23 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

Adam gets ready to play a spirited round of “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” with callers. He doesn’t know the topic, but he can complain about anything.

Topics include: direct deposit, massages, clean bowel movements, Teresa’s vagina, Deaf Frat Guy.

6:40 ELLEN, THE 79-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER

Ellen is in the studio. She’s a grandmother who enjoys dirty jokes. (You may remember Ellen from her call-in on the tail end of the April 28^th show.) She lives out in Hawthorne and, Adam jokes, killed her husband and spent the insurance money.

Every time Dave talks, Ellen looks around and tries to figure out where the voice is coming from. She doesn’t have a clear line of sight in the studio.

Ellen tells Adam that she used to listen to Howard, and when he went off the air she started listening to Adam. She tells Adam that he looks a lot different on those billboards on the back of the bus. She also says that she would not have a sexual encounter with Adam because he’s just too young. She also tells Adam that, at this stage of her life, she doesn’t need sex. She can go from here to the grave without having sex again, because she simply doesn’t need it.

7:02 THE NEWS

Teresa reports on the news.

Bush says that he wants to make sure that culture is maintained and enforced. Adam and Dave wonder what percentage of Americans are smarter than our President.

The Dixie Chicks have a new album that took the number one spot upon its release, despite a lack of support from the country music community.

Katie Couric said her final words to The Today Show.

In Alabama, a woman concerned for her family’s public safety prayed for their safe return. Just after, she was struck by lightning and was dazed on the floor for hours.

The world’s longest living married couple has been married for 78 years. The British couple says that their secret is fighting constantly.

Jessica Simpson and her ex are in a war over their divorce settlement. He’s being offered $1.5 million instead of the half of her earnings he is entitled to under California law.

7:15 THE SPORTS

Dave reports on the sports.

Western Conference finals roll on tonight. Suns and Mavericks play game 5 tonight.

Dodgers were dumped by the Braves.

Mets lost.

Twins won.

7:21 BRAXTON BILBREY

Braxton is a seven-year-old who swam to Alcatraz Island from San Francisco. He says he got the idea by reading about a nine-year-old who did it. His next goal is to swim around the island, which is twice the distance.

7:39 JEFF ROSS AND AARON LEE IN THE STUDIO

Jeff Ross is on the program, along with his buddy Aaron Lee. They’ve both done time on roasts in the past, much like Adam – specifically the Pamela Anderson roast. It seems like it’s getting to be an aged format, and some people might think that it doesn’t work anymore, Adam thinks, but when you actually see it on TV, you can’t look away. They are getting very vicious as well, Jeff says, and points out he was almost attacked at the Pam Anderson roast by Courtney Love.

Aaron and Jeff are both working on a new cartoon “Where My Dogs At?” on MTV2, which stars Tracy Morgan. One of the interesting behind-the-scenes notes on this show is that since they talk about current issues, so they can’t send it overseas to be animated, because it takes too long. They actually have a team of stoners sitting in some kind of animated sweat shop over at Sunset/Vine.

7:50 CHRISTIAN CHECKS IN

Christian the 13-year-old comedian calls in with a few notes on Jeff’s performance, and his cartoon show. Christian’s advice? Rethink sending the show overseas. They might be able to help out a little.

7:59 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, is in the studio. There’s some great new pledges coming in to the Delta Fu Gamma frat, and then there’s some that obviously won’t make it.

The other day, Maverick’s buddy Moose came in. Moose is a good guy and all, but Maverick wants to assure us all right now that he will never darken this doorway again. He won’t bring that microphone hog back to the studio to steal any more of his airtime. All he was originally doing was giving Maverick a ride to the studio, and the next thing he knew, Adam was trying to make him the next Tom Leykis.

8:15 MAVERICK’S ADVICE

It’s time for Maverick to take some calls and dispense a little of his priceless advice.

8:31 JERRY BROWN IN THE STUDIO

Jerry Brown, the former Governor of California, is on the program. He’s running for Attorney General of California, and Adam needs to know what an Attorney General does. The Attorney General is basically California’s lawyer. Every department in the state government looks towards the Attorney General office for legal assistance and advice.

Decriminalization of pot – where does Mr. Brown stand? He doesn’t feel it should be decriminalized. They have the medical marijuana program, and he personally feels that the laws and programs dealing with marijuana in California are very fair. It’s not common to find people in jail for possession of marijuana, unless they were dealing it.

How about all of this “eye in the sky” stuff, Adam asks? This morning, Adam saw on the news how someone committed a crime, and they were tracked via helicopter camera, and street-level cameras, and building surveillance cameras, and they managed to piece together this guys’ trail and catch him. It’s great that we caught him, yes, but some people don’t like that, Adam says. How does Jerry feel? Well, Big Brother is definitely coming, he says. But the technology definitely lets us track down some dangerous criminals. Say what you will about the Big Brother stuff, but it’s helping us deal with crime.

Adam’s No-Lie MRI method of trying criminals is something people feel uneasy about as well, he says. Jerry feels like technology isn’t the answer in that case; we can’t remove the human element from justice. Well, what’s our batting average right now? Doesn’t he think we can do better? Right now, we do terrible, Jerry agrees – there’s a lot of criminals that go free, and most likely, innocent people go to jail. But we can’t just remove the entire justice system and replace it with a foolproof lie detector. Adam feels the opposite – he thinks politicians should even be hooked up to this thing before we elect them, so we can just statistically determine which one of them is the best candidate. Jerry definitely doesn’t agree with this. We can’t lean that heavily on technology. Adam is calling for us to quite literally have a Tyranny of Technology, which won’t be good.

“Talk some smack about your opponent,” Adam tells Jerry. What’s his name? Rocky DelGado? Close enough for morning radio, Jerry says. Adam can’t trust the guy because he can’t trust people named Rocky.

8:57 DEAF FRAT GUY BACK IN THE STUDIO

Adam apologizes to Maverick for having to push him aside, but the Former Governor was pressed for time. Maverick feels like that was a total snorefest. He’s in the target demographic, so if he found that boring, what does that say?

That’s true, Adam says. Young, drunk, deaf males are the target demographic.

9:23 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:27 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:36 JANICE DICKINSON IN THE STUDIO

Janice Dickinson, known by many as the World’s First “Supermodel”, is on the program. The bumper is a partial list of men who Janice has bedded – and Dave is impressed. Has she really slept with all those guys? Yeah, she says. It was a time before AIDS, and before all these other STDs. But who was the best, Dave wonders? Well, she hasn’t slept with Adam yet.

What was up with that “knife incident” on The Surreal Life? That was staged by the producers. They told her to pick up the big butcher knife, knowing that Omarosa would go crazy if she saw it.

Adam quizzes Janice a bit on some of the more famous guys she’s been with. He wonders, are celebrities any better than civilians at this sort of thing? No, no, absolutely not, she says. In fact, she’s seen plenty of “civilians” who are much more attractive than these so-called “A-listers.”

Janice’s new book, “Check, Please!: Dating, Mating and Extricating” is in stores now.

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, ROBERT SCHIMMEL AND TOAD THE WET SPROCKET

2006-05-31T09:56:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, ROBERT SCHIMMEL AND TOAD THE WET SPROCKET -- 5am to 10am PST, May 31, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?

Adam's been doing a little pontificating on what can make a man happy. A lot of people will sit around and say, my life sucks, because I live with my girlfriend, or my roommate, or my hand, in this crappy apartment. Or maybe, they've got a crappy car, or a beat-up truck. They use these things that they don't have as an excuse for not being happy. When you're poor, you just automatically assume that you're unhappy because you're not rich.

But, if you actually make this money, you'll see that you pretty much feel the same. Sure, you get rid of the impending doom stuff, and you're able to buy this or that, or miss some work, or go to Europe, but you're still unhappy. There's still a level above you. There's always a level above you. You're flying coach -- other people are flying first class. You fly first class -- other people fly charter planes.

The one element that screws up everyone's life is envy.

Take the celebrity shows, like "Extra", or "The Insider". They are one contributor to this ruiner of society. The rich, famous people you see up there are just as miserable as you, they're just doing it more lavishly. But you can see the envy in people's eyes when they watch. Adam can see it in his wife's eyes every night. Any time you think you're doing good, you pop on that TV, and see something like Patrick Dempsey climbing out of a pace car and proclaiming "WHAT A RUSH!" And you think, god damnit, I should be driving that pace car.

A lot of times, you'll think the key to feeling better is to just turn on the news. You see the war in Iraq, or the crisis in Darfur, or all of the poverty in the world -- just horrid situations all over the world. But that doesn't really work, either. That just makes you depressed.

This has all made Adam realize that we need a TV network designed to just make you feel better. No bad news. Just things that give you a booster. He stumbled onto this while watching Last Comic Standing. All of those open casting calls, and all of those hopeful comics at those comedy clubs, standing in line all day and all night, just vying for a chance to compete. It made Adam feel good about his existence -- he's got a house, and cars, and a great job, and a wife with kids on the way. Seeing something on TV like that, and having it make you feel good about your own life, is a great feeling.

6:29 EUGENE FROM SPAIN

Eugene, their listener from Spain, calls in to the show. He's got two names for Adam's kids -- Sandro Carolla, and Julia Carolla. Adam likes those names. He's also got a question for Teresa. How does she really feel about them naming her vagina? She's okay with it; she's honored, actually.

6:34 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian the 13-year-old comedian comes on the line to do a little of his new material for the crew.

6:38 BRITTANY EVANS IN THE STUDIO

Brittany Evans, the St. Pauli spokesmodel, is on the program. Dave immediately spots and expresses displeasure over the engagement ring on her finger. "That's good," Brittany quips, "because it's not an engagement ring. It's a wedding ring." Ouch.

She was also one of the Playboy Cyber Girls of the Day on 971freefm.com.

Since she's the St. Pauli girl, they're going to do a little taste test. They've got four beers lined up, and we'll see if she can pick out which beer is which.

She picks number two as St. Pauli, and cringes when she drinks number four -- she just doesn't like that one. They go through the list. Number four was St. Pauli! "No! No no no!"

Now that they've gotten her fired, it's time to say goodbye.

7:05 NEWS

Teresa addresses the morning news.

7:16 SPORTS

Dave lazily winds his way through the sports report, having not received a note from Brusca to "make it quick."

7:30 NAME TERESA'S VAGINA

It's time to name Teresa's vagina! The theme today is "band names." Before they take any calls, Adam's got to run through a few of his. For example... Cake. "That's sweet," Teresa says. Not so fast, Adam replies. Phish. Hmm, she misses Cake already.

Big Tad has a couple -- Dire Straits, and Taco. Also, Savage Garden and Psychadelic Furs.

A listener calls in. He loves Teresa, but... Cheap Trick.

They take a few more calls from people with suggestions.

7:48 ROBERT SCHIMMEL IN THE STUDIO

Comedian Robert Schimmel is on the program. He gets onto the topic of cutting the "cord" in child birth -- he didn't do it the first couple kids he had, but he did on the last one. It's a very bizarre experience, he thinks; it just doesn't seem or feel right. Half way through cutting it, he stopped and proclaimed that he couldn't finish this. They urged him, "don't stop," because supposedly the kid doesn't know anything.

Robert's daughter Jessica comes on the line. Robert told them to give her a ring because she'll pretty much say anything to anyone at any time. Basically, Jessica resents her father because he got married to one of her good friends.

She shares a few stories of their interesting family history with Adam and Co.

8:30 DISGRUNTLED KATHY

A listener, Kathy, calls in. She feels it's very inappropriate for them to be naming Teresa's Vagina -- children listen to this show. She herself has three children who listen, and it's just not something she wants them to hear. She also works for Child Protection Services, and she's seen kids removed from their parents for the parents talking in a manner like that. Adam wonders if maybe they weren't just using words in those cases... "Oh, Daddy's gonna molest ya! Daddy's gonna touch ya!"

8:35 THE JERK REPORT WITH DAVE DAMESHEK

This was a tumultuous week on The Adam Carolla Show. He'll get to that in a minute, though. Everybody remember, though, that Dave is much like a benevalent Sauron -- his eye sees all jerks.

The first nominee -- the show's very own movie reviewer, Oswaldo Castillo, for ruining X-Men 3!

And the Get Out of Jerk Free Card for the week goes to actor Paul Gleason, for always playing a villian or a bad guy in every movie. He's managed to entertain us for years, all the while never playing a single lovable character. Here's a Get Out of Jerk Card for you, Mr. Gleason -- you're going to need it. Incidentally, Teresa wonders if God has a Jerk Report. Sure he does, Adam confirms. He calls it Hell.

The runner-up for Creep of the Week... Dave Dameshek! For reasons that have already been discussed, he has landed himself on The Jerk Report. As many remember, he carries the coveted Get Out of Jerk Free Card from last week. But, and he'll have to check the by-laws on this, he's pretty sure he can use it to bump himself down from Creep of the Week, to runner-up. He asks Bryan to please, turn the laser on him, and for the love of God, spare his face.

And now, the Creep of the Week. This Andrew Morbitzer character who went out for beer and barbecue sandwiches during the game, when Bonds was at bat and had the potential to hit his record-breaking home run, and then being REWARDED by having the home run ball land straight in his concession tray.

8:51 TOAD THE WET SPROCKET IN THE STUDIO

Toad the Wet Sprocket is on the program to do a little acoustic performance for the crew.

9:07 TERESA'S NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the morning news.

9:20 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:39 HEAD FIRST BABIES

During the news, Adam wondered why babies have to be born head first, rather than feet first. Some listeners call in to educate him as to why it has to be that way.

9:42 MORE VAGINA NAMES

Dave goes over the last minute influx of vagina names that came in from the Adam Carolla Message Board.

9:51 HOW TO GET THE GUY

Teresa's going to be interviewed this evening on Entertainment Tonight, for her new show "How To Get The Guy". A big new network show, Adam points out. Look, he tells her. Sprout wings and fly, but, just one wing. Just fly in circles right above the ground. We don't want you to leave the nest. "I'll never leave," she tells Adam.

ADAM WITH PATTON OSWALT, SOPHIE MONK AND TAYLOR HICKS

2006-05-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH PATTON OSWALT, SOPHIE MONK AND TAYLOR HICKS -- 5am to 10am PST, May 30, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 ADAM STARING YOU DOWN

Vanessa, a 19-year-old security guard, calls in. She sits in her car for 12 hours a day, and she's surrounded by Adam. She lives in Phoenix, and there are Adam Carolla billboards EVERYWHERE. "Have you SEEN that picture of you in the blue collar," she asks? It looks like you're thinking, "my job is so much better than yours." Teresa thinks she's reading into that. No, no, Adam corrects her -- that's exactly what he was thinking when he took the picture. In fact, he was thinking it about the photographer; it's just translated into everyone who sees it.

6:07 THE INCIDENT

There was a bit of a scuffle on-air with Teresa and Dave last week. Adam doesn't go on the computer much, he says, but he looked on there over the weekend, and he sees that Teresa is the overwhelming favorite -- the people are definitely taking to her. Yes, Dave says, people did not appreciate his behavior. It wasn't just his behavior, Adam says. People are just in love with Teresa. Never before has she gotten so many emails, she says.

Teresa felt especially bad that they had this fight on Adam's birthday. It wasn't his birthday, he points out, it was the day before his birthday. He's not one of those guys who has to celebrate his birthday on the nearest working day, or the day before, or whatever.

It sounds as if peace has been made, but, it's not official. It's only official if Dave and Teresa sing the Universal Song of Unity. So, they get down to it -- they bust out a duet of Ebony and Ivory.

6:23 CHECKING THINGS OFF

Big Tad called Adam on Saturday, and Adam wants to know if it was because of A, wanting to wish him a Happy Birthday, or B, to get tickets to the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Well... it was a little bit of B, but mostly A, Tad says. Adam had offered to give him tickets to UFC, and told him to call Lindsey and set things up. He called Lindsey, Tad confirms, but she had no idea what he was talking about, so he gave Adam a call. "You should've called me on Friday instead of Saturday," Adam says. Well, Tad was giving Lindsey the benefit of the doubt.

Never, ever do that, Adam says.

The thing about Lindsey, and most people, is that they "check things off the list." She talked to Tad about the tickets, then checked it off.

6:29 TAD'S TICKET

Tad got a ticket thanks to Adam. He decided to ignore the signs and turn left, even though it was between the times listed on the sign. And he got pulled over for it.

Adam reiterates his rant on red left turn arrows. In the end, he feels the same as he always has -- these arrows should not turn red. They should go either green, or nothing. There is no reason for them to turn red. Turn green to alleviate the congestion, then go blank. Don't turn red.

6:52 BIRTHDAY GIFTS

Ozzie dropped off a huge Tupperware bucket of flapsteak for Adam's birthday. That's how Ozzie will kill him, Adam says. He can just drop off a metric ton of steak, and Adam will eat and eat until he dies. He also points out that, as usual, Oswaldo got him more birthday gifts than any of his family members.

His wife, though, got him a gift that's somewhere from the corner of Insulting Street and Don't Give a Sh*t Avenue. It's this laser thing that they use on movies and the like, which zaps zits off of your face. He's never mentioned anything about hating acne, Teresa asks? No, of course not, he has very clear skin. He gets the occasional shaving rash, but that's about it.

7:10 OSWALDO REVIEWS X-MEN 3

Ozzie reviews X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

7:14 NEWS

Teresa goes over the morning's news.

7:23 SPORTS

Dave runs through the sports news.

7:42 PATTON OSWALT IN THE STUDIO

Patton Oswalt, of Crank Yankers fame, is on the program. He was talking to one of the guys outside the studio, and he just doesn't know how any of them do this. He looks completely exhausted, Adam says.

He can't just be bummed because of the lack of sleep, though, Dave says. It's gotta be at least partly because of all the characters that die in X-Men 3. He didn't see it. WHAT?!? NO!

Last week, he was at a comic book store in Los Angeles, and the writers of X-Men 3 were there answering questions. He's friends with one of them, so they goaded him quietly into taking the microphone and asking a question. He got up and asked, "So in the scene where Wolverine died, was that a leather jacket?" The geeks in the audience were agast, even though the question was total b.s. Luckily, the writer went along with it -- "Oh, yeah, we kinda wrote the scene around the jacket." Everyone went berserk. Finally, they had to own up to the joke, and when they did, some huge, sweaty geek turned, looked right at him, and went "HAH."

7:58 THE NERD OFF

As many may remember, Patton, Mike Lynch, Bryan and others competed in a Nerd Off, to see who was the geekiest. Now, they're going to do it again, with Mike Dawson reading the questions.

The first question is in the category of X-Men. Name three of the five original members of The X-Men. Patton buzzes in. Beast, Ice-Man and Cyclops. That is correct.

Question number two. In DC Comics, what is Green Lantern's one weakness? Patton buzzes in again -- the color yellow. His ring cannot affect it. Correct!

Next question. The War of the Worlds inspired what late 1970's video game? Mike squeaks in. Space Invaders. That's correct!

Name all of the members of the Jetsons family. Bryan buzzes in. George, Judy, Jane, Elroy and Astro. Wait, you need the maid, Adam says. Dottie? Push the button that signifies a wrong answer, Bryan.

In Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, is there a 16-sided dice? Patton nerds in. No, there is not. Correct.

A wedgie where your underwear is pulled over your head is called... what? Bryan buzzes in and blurts out, "atomic wedgie!" That is correct. Teresa feels like he speaks from experience.

In Einstein's formula, E equals M times C squared. What do they stand for? Patton chimes in. Energy, Mass and the Speed of Light. That's correct.

An anti-nerd question -- how many times did Ali fight Frazier? Bryan nails it with three.

Another anti-nerd question -- what is a Gordy Howell hat trick? A goal, an assist and a fight. Bryan nails another one.

Who is the all-time champion in Connect Four? Mike squeaks in. It's "supposedly" Dave Dameshek. Dave yells out -- SUPPOSEDLY? There's nothing SUPPOSED about it!

Which of the Star Wars movies was shot entirely in a studio? Patton buzzes in with The Phantom Menace. That is INCORRECT. Bryan sweeps in for the steal -- Revenge of the Sith. That is correct! Patton has to sit the next round out.

In Dungeons and Dragons, what are the three alignments? Patton is freaking out that he can't answer. Nobody can get it. It's Good, Neutral and Evil.

Supplementing that question a bit -- what are the three subdivisions of Evil? Patton buzzes in. Neutral, Lawful and Chaotic. That is correct.

Patton has once again slaughtered everyone in the Geek-Off.

8:24 FIGHT RECAP

Adam, Dave and Teresa talk a bit more about the fight on Friday, and The Ed calls in from Vegas to let Adam know that he's the number one morning show in that market now.

8:42 SOPHIE MONK IN THE STUDIO

Sophie Monk, from the upcoming movie "Click", is on the program. Blonde and beautiful; she's the complete package, Adam says. Very full lips as well, Dave adds. The last time she was here, she claimed to find Brusca the most attractive member of the staff. She still does, she says. What! Dave is appalled.

The reason this is such a sensation here, is because Brusca is usually picked at the bottom of these lists. Sure, you can say that, he says, if you want to make a point, but it's usually closer to the middle. Sure, Adam says, if you want to call the caboose the middle of the train.

In honor of Sophie's love for Brusca, the two of them perform a duet, set to a tune from Grease.

9:00 TAYLOR HICKS ON THE PHONE

Taylor Hicks, the winner of this year's American Idol, is on the phone. Adam says it's thrilling for Taylor to win, because he was actually rooting for him. "Were you really," Adam asks? Well, okay, he was rooting for Elliot, but after that, it was Taylor. The problem with Katherine McPhee was, she was flawless. She seemed too perfect. Taylor actually seems like a guy who could use the scratch.

Before he auditioned for Idol, he was in Alabama, doing anything from birthdays to bar mitzvahs. He actually had to make it out to Las Vegas for his audition. Now, he's got a manager, and a publicist, and the whole works. It's pretty surreal.

How about Paula Abdul though, Adam asks. You respect her as an artist, sure, but do you respect her as a person? Absolutely, Taylor says. She's a sweetheart.

9:19 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:25 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:37 DEAF FRAT GUY AND MOOSE IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a the Deaf Frat Guy, is in the studio, along with Moose, his frat buddy. He's finally joined up with the Delta Fu Gammas, after Maverick was deactivated from the TKEs. Moose's job in the frat is to assign nicknames.

They take some calls from people who want to talk to Maverick and Moose.

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, BOBBY LEE, RICHARD MARTIN AND THE FINALE OF THE ADAM CAROLLA TRIVIA CHALLENGE

2006-05-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, BOBBY LEE, RICHARD MARTIN AND THE FINALE OF THE ADAM CAROLLA TRIVIA CHALLENGE - 5am to 10am PST, May 26, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:06 HAPPY BIRTHDAY

It's Adam's birthday, and he was hoping to slip it under the radar, but Dave and Teresa bring it up. It's not actually today, it's tomorrow. The thing about Adam's birthday, though, is that it was piggy-backed onto his sibling's birthdays also. On top of that, his parents were cheap, and he wanted stuff. Not little cheap things -- real stuff. So instead of gifts, he'd go around and collect money. $20 from Mom, $20 from Dad, $10 from this relative, $10 from that, etc. "YOU'RE GETTING MONEY?!?", Dave exclaims. Yes! That's ridiculous. Birthdays were just never a huge deal in Carolla's family.

When people died in his family, they didn't have funerals, either. Teresa asks if it's that same triangle of cheapness, poorness, and lack of care. Yes, it is, Adam says, and that's the kind of thing where now that he's an adult, he still doesn't know how to react on birthdays and the like.

6:18 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian calls in from Fresno. He wishes Adam a happy birthday, then cracks out a joke for the crew.

6:30 A LITTLE GHETTO

Lindsey was up at the station very early hanging up some decorations. If they were in a porn movie, and it was someone's birthday in the movie, they would decorate it better than they've decorated this studio. "It's early," Teresa says.

It's time for a surprise caller -- Adam immediately recognizes it as Beth Ringwald, sister of Molly Ringwald, and Adam's childhood sweetheart. They used to live right up the street from each other, and he used to do things like put her on his back and run up and down the bleachers. "That's sweet," Teresa thinks. Beth has actually recently remarried her high school sweetheart, after being apart for over twenty years.

So, it sounds like Beth was Adam's "first". Teresa wants to know -- how was he? Ehh... she was drunk, she doesn't really remember. She actually is curious about what Adam thought? Well, let's not talk about it. It's probably not legal in the State of California.

Dave's got an idea, though. How about Adam and Beth come together again, after all this time, so she can judge and see how much better he's gotten at things? She's not sure Ken and Lynette would appreciate that.

6:54 BOBBY LEE IN THE STUDIO

Bobby Lee from MadTV is on the program. There's like nine people who are watching MadTV, Bobby says. Adam doesn't even want to hear it, though. When he was on Loveline, they had all the MadTV guests, and year after year, everyone would lean over and say "This is it, this is our last season, we're getting pulled off the air." But it's never happened, so Adam just ignores it. Seriously though, Bobby isn't sure how or why MadTV is still on. It's not even like working on a show. He's pretty sure there's a homeless guy sleeping outside his dressing room.

7:15 NEWS

Teresa goes over the day's news.

7:25 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports, and then talks to a special guest: The kid who caught the home run ball that tied Barry Bonds for the home run record with Babe Ruth. They give him a bit of grief for having a $50,000 offer, and then turning it down. He says he's holding out for close to a million dollars. Adam wonders, is this the kind of thing that goes up and down in value? Do they have appraisers for it? Yes, Teresa confirms. Adam remembers that Teresa's boyfriend is a sports memorabilia appraiser.

What happens when Bonds breaks another record? Like, say, Hank Aaron's record? Will this ball go down in value? It will, Teresa says, so when you get a respectable offer, you should sell it. Adam has a different plan. Spread a little money around at the airfield, and have then sabotage the team's plane. That way, you not only get his record breaking ball, but the last one he ever hit.

7:41 JIMMY KIMMEL ON THE HORN

A special guest, Jimmy Kimmel, calls in to wish Adam a happy birthday. An important question, though: who gives the best birthday gift? Well, Adam is good, Jimmy says, but ultimately, Jimmy puts more thought into his gifts. Adam usually will just take him to Best Buy and say, pick yourself something out. Never has he felt so much like a kid.

8:02 THE RIFT

Apparently, Dave Dameshek and Teresa Strasser have issues. Teresa demands that Brusca explain the situation. He says things got "a little rough" during the commercial break. No, no, Teresa says. You explain the situation better. Fine -- Dave screamed at Teresa to "F off." He actually waited for Adam to get up and leave the room, and then proceeded to launch into what can be described as a "maniacal tirade."

Yesterday, Dave wrote a one page long email to Teresa explaining all of these problems that he has with her. This morning, he told Brusca he thinks Teresa is doing a fantastic job, but Brusca feels like it was just because he felt bad. In addition, Brusca admits that he's been stirring the pot a little bit, by telling Dave a thing or two that Teresa had said about him behind his back. She swears that it was just a joke, though, and Brusca tends to agree. Dave defends himself; he was and remains a huge supporter of Teresa, and campaigned heavily to get her hired. She knows that, and thanks him for it. It's just, never in her life, on any of her jobs as both host and comedy writer, has she had someone wait for someone else to leave the room before screaming at her.

Adam feels like he needs to address this. Dave, honestly, has no malice in his heart. He feels like he can be unbridled, and demonstrative, and rude, and just say whatever he wants, because he knows that he doesn't mean any of it. But what he needs to realize is, sometimes you work with someone who is going to take this kind of thing more seriously. Maybe they've got a history of people yelling at them, or maybe they are just more sensitive to that type of thing, or whatever. But you have to take it into consideration.

It seems too soon to hug, but Dave would like to shake Teresa's hand. She asks him if maybe he could go "F" himself. Ultimately, Adam just wants to stress that he feels like Dave does not mean any of this, and honestly, doesn't have any malice towards Teresa.

8:22 THE REPRIMAND

Mo' Dameshek, Dave's mom, calls in and chastises him. This was not the way he was raised. Dave isn't a bad boy, it's just that, sometimes he does bad things. Adam feels that Dave is definitely an extrovert, and he doesn't choose his words very carefully. So, it can be hard to step into his world.

8:37 TOILET TIME-OUT

Before we get to the Adam Carolla Show Trivia Challenge, we need to finish up a little business with this Dave Dameshek mess. It's time to put Dave in a toilet time-out. "WHAT! NO!" Dave strongly protests; the message board has already declared him a jerk for this incident, what more does Adam want? Well, he can work on the Jerk Report from his tiled office.

Big Tad escorts him out to the bathroom, and he passes "Shotgun" Tom Kelly, who is on his way in to preside over the trivia contest.

8:40 "SHOTGUN" TOM

Shotgun enters the studio. He's going to be emceeing the trivia challenge again this week, where hopefully, they'll be giving away $3,000.

They begin the semi-finals.

8:58 RAY

Dave's in the bathroom, and unfortunately, there's no microphone in there -- this is an impromptu thing. So, they've got Big Tad on a cell phone in there, which works very spottily in the station. Big Tad tells Adam that he'll never guess who just walked in -- Adam's buddy Ray, the man who once defecated in Jimmy Kimmel's desk.

9:00 THE TRIVIA CONTEST ROLLS ON

And the trivia contest, week three, continues. Mo' Dameshek faces off against Listener Ken for $3,000.

Mo' Dameshek seems to once again sweep the competition, but Brusca has a heart -- he wants to give Ken another question. If Ken can get it right, he'll take home the $3,000. They toss him a tough one -- what is Dave's wifes name? Mo' asks if she can give a hint, and they say that's okay.

Mo's hint?

"Cindi."

Teresa points out Dave's problem -- look at the hints his mother gives! They serve up yet another question, and Ken nails it. He'll take home the $3,000! $1,000 for today, plus $2,000 from the two previous competitions that had no winner.

9:16 NEWS RECAP

A breaking story: Dave's an a-hole.

Teresa recaps the news.

9:33 RICHARD MARTIN

Republican Richard Martin has joined the program to talk with Adam and the crew about this new wave of anti-Bush songs and rhetoric. Richard points out that he does a little rapping, too -- he does a pro-American rap, to try and counter all the vitriol being spewed.

Be sure to visit AskARepublican.com for more information and to see Richard's video podcast.

9:49 OLD BUDDIES

Adam's buddy Ray, and Don, his first roommate, are both in the studio today. They've come to wish Adam a happy birthday, and they've brought a tape of Adam's first attempt ever at radio comedy -- a fake religious rock radio station, including a fake commercial for HE-BREW, religious beer.

Ozzie comes in to sing Happy Birthday to Adam as the show closes.

ADAM WITH ANASTASIA ASHLEY, TOM LEYKIS AND PENN JILETTE

2006-05-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH ANASTASIA ASHLEY, TOM LEYKIS AND PENN JILETTE -- 5am to 10am PST, May 25, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 COMEDY ISN'T EASY

Last night's American Idol was a great example of how singing isn't easy, and neither is comedy. Watching that on TV, where the comedy wasn't funny, and every singer was either a good amateur, or a bad one, was just a painful reminder, Adam feels.

It just reminds him of how, at the premiere of American Idol, someone was interviewing him, and they asked him if he was going to be in the delivery room with his wife to cut the umbilical cord. Guys are being shamed into this. "You wanna be there, don't you? You wanna be the first to hold your child, right?" Why? Do I get a discount if I cut the umbilical cord? No. Someone's getting paid to do that, let them do it.

6:22 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. Deaf Frat Guy, is in the studio. His new frat and new website have both really taken off, Dave says -- it looks like Axwound has actually been promoted to Sergeant of Arms.

Former Webmaster Billy is in studio, also. He was actually in charge of DeafFratGuy.com for a bit, but he got fired for not doing a good job. Dave asks if Billy could ever join Delta Fu Gamma, but Maverick says absolutely not. He has this attitude, like, his crap doesn't stink. Adam points out that his CBS Radio badge he's carrying says "ON-AIR PERSONALITY". What the heck is all that about? That's a little ridiculous. Maverick wants to know why HE doesn't have one of those badges. Adam agrees. Maverick has put in far more time on the air.

Billy's going to be going out with Nicolle again for a second date. The first one didn't work out so well, because Billy stiffened up a bit. So, they're going to try it again. But all of the advice Maverick gives him seems to be falling on deaf ears. How ironic, Adam feels.

6:44 THE WAKE BUDDY

When Adam wakes up in the morning, he has to look back down at the bed, and see both his dog, and his wife, laying in bed sound asleep. They sit there looking like they aren't going to wake up for four more hours at least. It's so aggravating. It gives Adam the idea for an invention. When you're trying to catch a flight to somewhere, and your roommate is trying to catch the same flight, you both end up in the kitchen around the same time, and you can swap your stories of what time you went to bed. "Oh, I got to sleep around midnight. What is it now, 4am?"

"Oh yeah, well I got to bed at 2am."

"Oh, wow. Want some coffee?" It makes you feel better! So Adam's invention is some kind of machine, or robot, or something, that will go to bed later than you, and wake up at the same time, and feel way worse than you. You can get up, talk to it about how it feels worse than you, then get it some coffee and feel better about yourself.

6:52 WHAT CAN'T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

And now, it's time for a spirited round of What Can't Adam Complain About? Listeners can call in with a topic, and Adam will complain about it, if he can.

His wife -- she's asleep right now!

The comedic gold that is The Jerk Report -- it's TWENTY TWO MINUTES LONG! TWENTY! TWO! MINUTES! You know what would be faster?! NAME THE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T ON IT!

Having a beautiful home in the Hills -- the house is beautiful, yes, but he's managed to find yet another crazy neighbor. He called the Department of Building & Safety because the hedge between their properties is too high. He needs to hire a drifter to kill him.

Vagina -- Well, who's vagina is it? The beautiful Teresa? Some animal on death row? It's not the vagina itself, it's what the vagina is attached to. Dave loves primanti sandwiches. But what if the primanti sandwich was underneath Big Tad's arms? That's where men get themselves into trouble. They just want the sandwich, and they don't stop to think about whos legs it is in between.

7:09 NEWS

The California Supreme Court has reinstated the high school exit exam. Opponents of the test say that the test discriminates against non-english speakers.

Last night on American Idol, if you didn't hear, Taylor Hicks beat out Katherine McPhee to become the fifth American Idol.

Jennifer Aniston was interviewed last night on David Letterman, and someone asked her a "stupid question". And the question was... "What was your worst break-up?"

Arizona has outlawed beastality.

63.2 million people voted for American Idol last night. That's more than any single presidential candidate has ever received.

7:18 SPORTS

NBA.
Suns won at Dallas in Game 1 last night.

MLB.
Dodgers beat the Rockies last night.

7:31 ANASTASIA ASHLEY IN THE STUDIO

Anastasia Ashley, the 19-year-old world's best female surfer, is on the program. She recently went out and partied with Dave Dameshek, Artie Lange, Jimmy Kimmel and company at the Roosevelt. Her boyfriend was there, too, and Dave points out that he's a sweet kid and all, but enough is enough.

Teresa has to know -- does her boyfriend actually mind that she's sleeping with Adam Carolla? No comment. There's some issues to overcome, Dave thinks. Whereas Adam was born in the 70s, Anastasia was born earlier this week.

7:49 CARPENTRY QUESTION

A listener calls in with a carpentry question for Adam. He says he's going to tread lightly when he takes this call, because he doesn't want to turn Anastasia on any more than she alreayd is, lest she explode with horniness.

7:52 A COMPATIBILITY QUIZ

Adam and Anastasia run through a compatibility test to see if they'd be able to make it as a couple.

8:11 TERESA'S VAGINA

It's time to try and name Teresa's Vagina! They name off a few names that have been sent in, and then take some calls, in an attempt to figure out what Teresa's Vagina should be named.

8:29 TOM LEYKIS IN THE STUDIO

Tom Leykis, best known for his syndicated radio show The Tom Leykis Show, which airs on 97.1 Free FM (among many other stations.) Adam figures that judging by Tom's appearance, he's not a morning person. Absolutely not, Tom says, and he doesn't know how the hell they all do it.

Adam used to broadcast out of where Tom broadcasts from -- Westwood One. Many Loveline listeners will know that Adam absolutely hates that studio, and it sounds like Tom does, as well. They riff a bit about their problems with that place.

The twins are on the way, Dave reminds everyone, and Adam continues insisting that he won't cut the umbilical cord. What's Tom's opinion on that, he wonders? Tom has no interest in seeing what is going on in that delivery room. In the old days, men were not in there. They weren't near it. They waited to be told "It's a boy" or "It's a girl".

An angry listener, Garrett, comes on the line. Is this the one that dresses like a cowboy? No? You're thinking of Don Imus.

Another listener calls in. He loves Tom Leykis, and he abides all the rules. Tell us the Leykis 101 rules, Adam asks. Let the listener do it, Tom says. He busts them out. Never date women with kids. Never give the woman a key to your apartment. Don't spend more than $40 on a date. Shouldn't you adjust that for inflation, Adam wonders? Oh, oh no, Tom says. But he's been saying that for ten years. Ultimately, he still thinks $0 is optimal. Continuing -- never let her talk on her cell phone during the date, because she's either talking to the babysitter, in which case you shouldn't be with her anyway, or she's setting up another date.

Adam hears that Tom was attacked. He was out at around 3am looking for some food in Seattle, and a couple of skinheads saw him, recognized him, and gave him a karate kick to the head. He had to get 17 stitches, and he still has a scar. Fortunately, they were caught, because they went around bragging about it.

A listener calls in and asks about birth control for men. There's one kind, Tom says -- condoms. What about vasectomies, the listener asks? That's not birth control. That's sterilization. And since most of his listeners are young adults, that's not an option for them. They may not want kids now, but they might in ten years.

Someone reports in that he got a vasectomy for his 25th birthday. Did the doctor give him grief? Oh yes; he had to go through eight different doctors before he finally found someone who would do it on a young person with no kids.

Billy rejoins the program. Tom is going to dispense a little advice to him about his ill-fated prom date, and the future of the relationship. First of all, Tom tells guys not even to go to prom. If you put yourself in a position where you have to talk a lot, everything you say can and will be used against you, and the woman will find something in your conversation to use as an excuse to not sleep with you. Try to stick to situations where you won't be talking a lot.

Teresa actually agrees with Tom for the most part, and she's heard him eviscerate others before on his show, but she's going to disagree with him anyway, because Brusca has told her she has to. It'll be more interesting radio. So, here it goes. She feels like asking women questions about themselves and talking a lot is good with some women. Adam agrees; it'll help you get laid. The worst thing you can do is give your opinion to a woman, Tom says.

The second date with Nicolle: where is it going to be? What is it? They're thinking of going to a putt-putt golf place. "Terrible idea," Dave thinks. Of course, we want to be responsible, and Billy can't drink, but if he could, he would definitely need to take her somewhere that they could drink. After the golf, what's the follow-up? What comes next? Billy has no idea. Shocking! Basically, Tom says, you need to chill it out after the golf. Try to cool it off, calm it down, etc. And make sure to not spend a lot of money.

Catch Tom Leykis on 97.1 FREE FM from 3pm to 8pm, Monday through Friday, and on many other FREE FM stations all over the West Coast.

9:18 PENN JILETTE ON THE PHONE

Penn Jilette calls in to talk to Adam for a bit.

9:34 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

It was just announced that the verdict in the Enron trial is: guilty on all counts.

9:38 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

ADAM WITH STANLEY BING AND CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT

2006-05-24T09:58:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH STANLEY BING AND CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT -- 5am to 10am PST, May 24th, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 DR. DREW

The show kicks off with Brusca slamming something down on the table in front of Adam, spilling a little coffee on him. It's just like the Loveline days with Dr. Drew, he says. Drew was the worst about not being considerate of the microphone; he'd toss keys down on the desk, he'd slam his coffee mug down, he'd do pretty much anything that made a lot of noise. And of course, if Adam mentioned it, Drew would always say "What is your problem?" He has what Drew referred to as "Hypervigilance" about that sort of thing.

On Loveline, the producer had the same problem. The door in that studio was the absolute loudest door you could imagine. It's like one of those doors in a hotel room -- it's made of metal, and the door jam is made of metal, and the studs in the wall are made of metal, and it's on a pressure sealer, so if you let it go, it slams itself. Since it's all so heavy, the wall shakes and makes a lot of noise. And nobody can ever seem to actually GRAB IT and SLOW IT DOWN before it slams and sounds like a BOMB GOING OFF. Producer Ann at Loveline would always dart out and slam the door right when the microphones went hot. When Adam finally managed to get her to try and leave before that, Drew would inevitably call her back and ask her something. Then, of course, you'd hear the tail end of their conversation when the microphones went hot.

6:10 MIKE THE ROOFER

Mike the Roofer calls in. He's got a problem -- he's too tired from staying up all night having sex with his girlfriend. What a horrible problem, they all agree. Teresa equates that to the girl who complains that her boyfriend's penis is too large, and it hurts her.

6:25 AMERICAN IDOL

Adam and the crew talk about part one of the American Idol finale, which aired last night.

6:28 100 B.S. JOBS AND HOW TO GET THEM

Stanley Bing, the author of the book "100 B.S. Jobs and How to Get Them", is on the phone. That title isn't abbreviated on the book cover, but he'll abbreviate it for radio, Adam says. That's a good plan, Stalney agrees.

Talking about b.s. jobs, back in the day, Adam was a celebrity panelist on Star Search. They would tell him, look, keep your comments brief. You've only got about eight seconds. And you make $20,000 for it. What's hard about that, at all? A b.s. job is the kind of job where you make a good amount of money, for not a lot of work. He agrees with Adam that Paula Abdul probably has the sweetest job in the world, but it's hard to get a job as Paula Abdul, without being Paula Abdul.

One of the jobs on the list is marriage counselor. Those are the kind where you need a degree, Adam points out, but he feels like he could take his shrink's job any day of the week. Very true, Stanley says. But what job should a 21-year-old get, fresh out of college? Video game tester, Stanley says.

6:52 A B.S. JOB

A listener, John, calls in to both nominate a B.S. job, and to nominate a jerk. They're both the same group -- cops. This guy lives next to a Holiday Inn Express, and some tourist backed into his car, and side-swiped it. No note, no call, no anything. So they call the police. The car is messed up, the taillights are broken, and they find another car with matching damage, matching paint and scratches, etc.

Teresa and Adam both start making fun of John in the middle of the story. Dave freaks out -- what the hell did John do to either of them? Well, for starters, it's the most boring story in the world. And secondly, he said that cop was a b.s. job. Any job where you have to wear body armor, and you can get killed in the line of duty, is not a b.s. job.

Another listener calls in with a b.s. job -- the guy who wrote the book about b.s. jobs. How ironic, Adam says. Yes, like rain on your wedding day, Teresa replies.

Mark the Cop comes on the line. He's miffed at that caller who hates cops.

7:12 CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT IN THE STUDIO

Chris Knight, best known as Peter Brady from The Brady Bunch, is on the program. He was voted the Brady that is most like Adam Carolla -- they both have the curly jew-fro. He's now on the show My Fair Brady, where he's going to get married to Adrienne Curry, the winner of America's Next Top Model. Dave wants to know what the chances are of a hot 23-year-old like her, falling for a 40-something Christopher Knight. Teresa watched The Surreal Life, where the two fell in love, and she can totally see why Adrienne went for it.

Adam feels like Adrienne should be with a rock star. Chris appreciates that comment. But seriously, he feels like he represents what Adrienne actually needs, as opposed to what she wants, and she knows that.

How about that family she's got, Adam asks? Aren't they... white trash? No, they really aren't, Chris says. They're very... blue collar. She actually has an uncle who holds a lot of patents. But overall, they are very blue collar.

7:38 NEWS

Teresa reads the morning's news.

7:47 SPORTS

Dave goes over the sports.

8:05 NAME TERESA'S VAGINA

It started off with Chavez Ravine, and then the Valley of the Suns, and now, they're opening it up to the listeners. Adam asks people to call in and name it, and Dave teases everyone with a set of tickets to George Clinton for the winner.

8:19 THE JERK REPORT WITH DAVE DAMESHEK

It's time for a little something called The Jerk Report.

Dave fancies himself as a more benevolent version of Sauron, from Lord of the Rings. His eye sees all.

He's starting at the NFL. Reggie Jackson has jumped to the NFL, and he wanted to wear his number, number five. The NFL has a rule against running backs wearing a number that low. In addition, he has announced that he would donate 25% of the profits from his jersey to the New Orleans rebuilding fund. The NFL again said no. Some call them the No Fun League, but Dave calls them... JERK!

The horse that won the Preakness, Barbaro, is undergoing all this surgery. He doesn't know how to walk on three legs, they say, so they've got to save that fourth leg. What kind of jerk is this horse?! Take a lesson from the dogs of the world! Barbaro the horse... JERK!

Brusca interrupts to point out that Dave forgot to mention the sponsor. Teresa reads the sponsor's message, and Brusca makes the Jerk Report solely for the interruption.

Last week, they introduced the Get Out of Jerk Free Card. This week, it goes to... Dave Dameshek. Dave had accidentally called someone a "creep" instead of a "jerk" last week, so he turned the Jerk Laser on himself. That classy move is rewarded by a Get Out of Jerk Free Card.

And of course, Sauron has his Uruk-hai, roaming the countryside, looking for jerks that the eye might not see. It's time for... the Message Board suggestions! Adam doesn't get these references. For that, he's a jerk!

Fishtank from the Adam Carolla Message Board suggests the 7-year-old boy who swam from Alcatraz all the way to the mainland. Swimming from Alcatraz?! At seven years old?!? This place held Al Capone! Dave doesn't like being shown up by some kid! JERK!

SwedishChef suggests The City of New Orleans. They re-elected their mayor, Ray Nagin. Do you not REMEMBER what JUST HAPPENED?! New Orleans... JERKS!

Finally, rowebot points out anybody who feels bad for that horse, Barbaro. Why the hell?! JERKS!

And now, Lynette Carolla. Last week, she called up and added someone to the Jerk Report live, on the air. But then, she blew it. She said that she didn't really like the Cheechoo/Teymoo songs. Lynette... JERK! Lynette calls up. She thinks she might be going into pre-mature labor due to the stress of being placed onto the Jerk Report.

Incidentally, Adam asks Lynette to please not let her water break somewhere other than the bathroom.

And now, it's time for the Creep of the Week. Barry Bonds, is NO LONGER Creep of the Week. There is a NEW Creep of the Week! The other day, Dave found out that Adam and Jimmy Kimmel were managing the Celebrity Softball Tournament that will be played at Chavez Ravine. First, he found out that he's actually slated to play in this. How is he a celebrity?! But that's not even the problem. The game will be played at Dodger Stadium. Dave has found out that he has to be in Pennsylvania that day for his cousin Meg's wedding, so he can't go. And who does he find out is playing the Dodgers that day? The Pittsburgh Pirates! HIS TEAM! He could've been on the field with his team, pressing the flesh, and THEN hit a few home runs at the softball game!

Cousin Meg... for ruining his chances of that... CREEP OF THE WEEK!

And that, is the Jerk Report.

8:49 RICH MAN, POOR MAN

It's time to play another spirited round of Rich Man, Poor Man.

9:03 A RE-ENACTMENT

Dave and Adam perform a re-enactment of the "penis got yanked right off" story that has been in the news.

9:21 THE DRUNK TREE MASCOT

Erin, a.k.a. Drunk Tree Mascot drunkenly stumbles into the studio, singing about Producer Brisket. Dave fears she may be drunk, when she keeps calling Teresa "Tracy". She says they always want her to go home and work on cheers, and come in and be this great cheerleader, but she's finally figured out what she needs to do.

She wants to be Adam's babysitter.

Unfortunately, to be Adam's babysitter, Adam has to want to have sex with you. And that's just not something Adam can handle from the Drunk Tree Mascot.

Ultimately, though, Brusca has to pull her out of the studio.

9:37 A PROMISE BROKEN

A listener, Casandra, calls in, and reminds Adam that he already promised her the job. Drunken Tree Mascot gets beligerent -- she NEEDS that job. Casandra insists she had it first, though. Dave feels like she should come into the studio and square off with Erin to see who truely deserves it.

9:40 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:44 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

ADAM WITH TRACY METRO, DENIS LEARY, ANDY DICK AND JAMIE KENNEDY

2006-05-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH TRACY METRO, DENIS LEARY, ANDY DICK AND JAMIE KENNEDY -- 5am to 10am PST, May 23rd, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 PLAYER'S BALL

There's so many guests, Dave points out, are there actually any topics they'll discuss if people call in? Or any they simply refuse to? "Legends Fall by Oprah last night," Teresa says. It kills Adam how narcisisstic Oprah is. She's got her own magazine, Oprah, and every issue that's ever come out, Oprah's face has been on it. How arrogant is that? What if he wanted to release a magazine called Adam, and put his own picture on every issue? It wouldn't be the same, because he's not Oprah.

Getting back to the Legends Fall special last night, though. It absolutely killed Dave to watch it, he says. The entire event took place at her estate, and it seemed like every little piece of anything on her estate held some special meaning for her. She'd walk across a bridge, and of course, it reminded her of bridging the gap of intolerance. Not only that, but of all the celebrities at the event, each one had their own waiter. "It was the height of decadance," Dave howls.

Overall, it was absolutely the worst thing Dave has ever seen on television.

Adam's problem is this -- she acts as if it is incredibly difficult to do what she does, because she's a black woman. Okay, so you're a black woman -- but you've already made it! You're there! When did you make it? You've been on our radar for over 15 years now!

6:12 GAY RICHARD

Gay Richard calls in. He's a gay man who works at The Home Depot, in the plumbing department. Adam has to toss him a few questions to prove that he actually works in the plumbing department.

Another listener calls in, and he wants Adam to give him the motivation to go to work. He's been listening to Richard the gay guy, and their talk of Oprah Winfrey, and he really just can't find the courage to go to work. What does he do, Adam asks? He's a land surveyor. That's a good gig, Adam thinks.

6:17 MURRAY THE CRAZY GUY

Crazy Murray calls up to talk to the crew for a bit. Adam asks him some questions about his life. Crazy guys seem to be perpetually thin, no matter how much they eat. It's like a tradeoff for their brain being mushy and useless. God tells them, "Okay, you won't be able to think, but you're going to have six-pack abs."

6:33 TRACY METRO IN THE STUDIO

Tracy Metro, known to listeners as one of the fill-in news girls, is on the program. Apparently, before Teresa was brought on permanently, Tracy had sent out an email to "everyone in Hollywood" saying that she was getting the job as news girl on the Adam Carolla Show. Brusca tries to stir things up and start a fight with Teresa and Tracy.

They sent Tracy out to a celebrity golf tournament over the weekend, to do some celebrity interviews

6:47 NORMA

Norma comes on the line to ask Adam a construction question.

7:00 BRANDON VERSUS MARK THE POET

It's now time for The Limerickdome... two men enter, one man leaves. Brandon, Dave's cousin from Pittsburgh, versus Mark the Poet. Both of them have come up with limericks, and the crew will hear them both and judge the winner.

Mark busts out his limerick, titled "I Stayed Up Until 3am Watching The Man Show Season 3 DVDs". The crowd goes wild with cheers. Dave feels like Brandon has definitely pushed Mark to up his game.

Now, it's Brandon's time to shine. He "retorts" with his poem. "Strong stuff," Adam says. Teresa feels like he really leaned on the gay theme throughout, but Brandon defends himself -- Mark makes it really easy to use that.

Teresa felt like Brandon's poem went on for too long, and was a little too gay. She's going to have to go with Mark. Adam would have to give the "Most Improved" to Mark, as well, but overall, he has to give this round to Brandon.

7:21 THE COLD SHOULDERS

Adam passed by their production office during the break to see if his assistant Lindsay was there yet. She wasn't. But! He did happen to see Big Tad rubbing the shoulders of Intern Larissa. It's like one of those movies where the damsel has to make love to the evil, disgusting villain. Larissa doesn't feel like it was an uncomfortable thing, though -- after Big Tad walked out, Jaron walked in and started doing the same exact thing. "This is great," she thought.

7:35 SOME FREE ADVICE

James "Lights Out" Toney gives a young mother some advice about talking to her children.

7:36 NEWS

Former Vice President Al Gore has made a documentary about global warming, which opens in theaters tomorrow. When President Bush was asked if he planned on seeing Gore's film, Bush responded: "Doubt it."

Oprah's "Legends Ball" special aired last night.

The Catholic League has spoken out against Madonna for a new music video.

Former New Jersey Governor McGrievey has a new book coming out, in which he admits to having anonymous sex at rest stops.

7:43 SPORTS

Last night, the L.A. Clippers had their hopes dashed as they were defeated by Phoenix in the Valley of the Suns.

7:58 HOITY TOITY

Yesterday on his way home, Adam thought to himself, do we really need to say "hoity toity" and "fancy schmancy"? Can't we just say, "hoity"? Or "fancy"? Dave disagrees on the hoity toity, because he likes saying toity. Why not just make it toity toity then? Well, that's not nearly as fun.

Along these lines, Teresa calls into question "artsy fartsy". No, no, Adam likes the fartsy part of that.

During the course of this, they realize they've stumbled onto amazing sets of names for Adam's twins.

8:00 TERESA'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

Teresa delivers the speech she'll give to the Los Angeles Press Club if she wins the award she's been nominated for. Chief Thunderbear is in the studio to translate her speech into his native language.

8:12 DENIS LEARY ON THE PHONE

Denis Leary, a Crank Yankers alumni, is on the line. Adam hasn't seen Denis since he worked as a stand-in on a movie that Denis was starring in. He remembers that because he managed to snag a few extra days of work. Stand-in work is the greatest gig in the world.

8:14 JAMIE KENNEDY AND STU STONE IN THE STUDIO

Apparently, Denis had a bad cell phone connection -- so they rush Jamie Kennedy and Stu Stone into the booth. They have a new show on MTV, where they'll be attempting to become a legitimate rap group. Basically, Jamie and his friend Stu wanted to be rappers, but nobody took them seriously, so they decided to film it.

Jamie and Stu do a little freestyle rap.

8:30 JARON AND BIG TAD

Jaron isn't happy about Big Tad putting the moves on Larissa in the production office, so him and Big Tad are in the studio to have a little rap battle about her. Jamie and Stu are going to stay in studio to judge the competition.

Ultimately, Adam, Jamie and Stu all agree that Big Tad is the "least loser."

8:46 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, is on the program. He got kicked out of his frat, so now he's decided to start his own fraternity, Delta Fu Gamma. (Check it out, and join Delta Fu Gamma, at http://www.deaffratguy.com.)

He's mad at Billy, the 17-year-old webmaster of AdamCarolla.com, because he's supposed to be helping out with DeafFratGuy.com. But it's not done yet; it's unprofessional. And when Maverick got to the studio today, Billy wasn't even there. He didn't come in because he's afraid! Billy shouldn't worry, though, and in fact, Maverick encourages him to come in and pledge to Delta Fu Gamma.

Billy calls in. He swears that the reason he's not in, is because there was a bad accident on the Metro Green Line and he couldn't make it to the station. Adam reminds him that he doesn't want to get on Maverick's bad side, because he's the head of one of the only fraternities out there that will take people who don't even go to the college.

Also, Maverick says that his friend Moose said to mention that the Adam Carolla Show is in grave danger of becoming over-produced. His friend's dad totally used to work in radio, and he thinks it's just getting a little too "Morning Zoo". Look, Adam says. Brusca doesn't tell Maverick how to run a fraternity. Maverick shouldn't tell Brusca how to run a radio show. But still, maybe he's right.

9:11 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:35 ANDY DICK IN THE STUDIO

Andy Dick, star of numerous movies and television shows, is on the program. Adam mentions that Andy was actually arrested at a concert for smoking weed. Who the hell does that, he wonders? Who arrests other people for smoking pot at a concert, and why? Well, it happens, Andy says. This time it was at Coachella. That blows Adam's mind.

9:50 ASSKISS RODEO

It's time to play some celebrity asskiss rodeo with Andy Dick.

ADAM WITH FRANK VINCENT, RON JEREMY, TED NUGENT, JONNY DELINQUENT

2006-05-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH FRANK VINCENT, RON JEREMY, TED NUGENT, JONNY DELINQUENT – May 22, 2006 - 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 PRISON

Adam says that too much varies from state to state when it comes to the age of consent. For a long time, drinking was okay at age 18, and then it changed to age 21. In a number of states, the laws still differ. It shouldn’t be age 17 in Nevada and age 23 in California. There are a lot of differences in from state to state in the age of consent as well.

6:03 CHARITY FUNDRAISER

Adam went to a charity fundraiser on Saturday. He doesn’t like leaving the house to go to anything now for any events, especially when someone expects him to be somewhere. He thinks that people simply like to get together with people of their ilk and feel good about themselves talking about the great things they’re doing with other people doing the same thing.

6:08 HOT PIPING SMOKE

Another attendee of this fundraiser was the Mayor. Apparently, at these charity events, the Mayor of Los Angeles has a guy who brings him onto the stage – they can’t trust some morning radio jockey to not screw it up. And this guy was just blowing piping hot smoke right up the Mayor’s ass. It was about 12-14 minutes of just these ridiculous, overbearing, overblown compliments. How awkward is that for the Mayor, Adam wonders? How much crazy, congratulatory praise can you take before it gets weird?

Adam’s good friend, the mayor of Calabasas, was also in attendance. As we all remember, Adam and the Mayor butted heads on the show not too long ago, regarding the second-hand smoking issue.

6:27 FRANK VINCENT IN THE STUDIO

Frank Vincent, a.k.a Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos, calls in to discuss last night’s episode of the show.

6:36 TERESA’S AWARDS

Teresa’s been nominated for two Los Angeles Press Club awards this year, for her syndicated column. Last year, she points out, she won for a piece about her stepfather’s death.

She tells the story of how she was called upon to plan her stepfather’s funeral. Although she’s Jewish, her stepfather was black, so it was very difficult for her to even know where to begin planning a funeral for him.

This year, her nomination is for a column about her stepmother’s death. Both of her stepparents died the same year, but this time, she didn’t go to the funeral, or have anything to do with it. She won’t win, she says, because it’s not a feel good piece. So it’s great to be nominated.

6:43 CRAZY MURRAY

Crazy Murray calls in to talk a little bit. They talk about giving Murray a $50 Hooters gift certificate, and it reminds Adam about his negative product placement idea. Pay him $50 so he won’t promote your product.

6:47 TERESA’S STEPPARENTS

Adam has to know more about Teresa’s life. It sounds kind-of strange. She spills a little more information. Her step mom told her not to wear seatbelts, and she only ever referred to her in the third person, i.e. “Teresa looks like she’s getting a little chubby.” Very odd.

There’s nothing rewarding about being a stepparent, Adam thinks. Sure, they have the title of parent, but honestly, they haven’t known you very long, and when you act out and put an M-80 in the neighbor’s mailbox, they probably want to beat you just as bad as the neighbor does. They don’t have a vested interest in you.

Dave wants to know, did Teresa resent her biological father for marrying this woman? Well… her and her dad are close. She doesn’t hold it against him or anything.

7:04 HOBOPOWER

It’s time for some hobopower stories.

Ralph is in New York City one winter, and the subway pulled into the station. All the cars were full as usual, except one, which was empty. So naturally, everybody piled into that one car. Of course, once the doors shut, they see this: a bum, laying on a bench, gangrenous, covered in his own feces, laying in a pile of his own feces. And they could not get off of the car.

Adam gives it a 44.

One summer, a caller was working in a hospital as security, and they bring in a homeless crazy man. He had a diaper on, and he was covered in his own fecal matter. He had to stay within 10 feet of the guy, too, because he was security.

Adam gives that a 44 as well.

Darren calls in and disagrees with Adam’s judgment on the first story. “You’re doing it again,” he says – giving out high scores without any vomit being involved. Good point, Adam says. He needs to remember his own rules. To get anything above thirty, you need to vomit.

7:24 GARRET IS VERY HIGH
Garret calls in. He’s on his way to Jack In The Box, and he’s very high. “Get the tacos,” Adam tells him. No way man, he’s getting the breakfast sandwich. Wait, is this guy driving high, Teresa asks? Sure, why not. The advice is this, though: get the apple pie, and get the ultimate breakfast sandwich.

He starts screaming babbabooey and that he loves Howard Stern, but everybody just stays quiet. Finally, he says he loves Adam. Adam says he knew if they let him hang out long enough, he’d come back around.

7:34 NEWS

New Orleans has re-elected Mayor Ray Nagin.

Tommy Hilfiger and Axl Rose got into a fistfight at a New York club, after Tommy got upset about Axl Rose “touching his girlfriend’s drink.”

7:41 SPORTS

Barry “The Creep” Bonds has finally tied Babe Ruth’s record, and he did receive a standing ovation. Dave didn’t like that.

The Ed calls in from Vegas to talk about the results of the Preakness in Baltimore.

7:59 BILLY’S PROM DATE RESULTS

Billy’s back from his prom date over the weekend… and he doesn’t look happy about it. He’s crestfallen, Adam says. What happened? Walk us through it. He didn’t get any, and he didn’t even get to kiss her.

The SUV limo “thing” pulled up to his house, and he got in, wearing his tuxedo. He had his camera with him and such. Speed it up, Dave says. His camera wasn’t reading the memory card right and such, so he couldn’t take any pictures. So they pick up Nicolle, and they head over to the Anaheim Hilton. She looked stunning. They get to the prom, and there were really a lot of communication problems, primarily because Billy hasn’t been in any previous relationships. What specifically was the problem, Dave wonders? He didn’t talk a lot. She was getting on to him to talk, but he just couldn’t do it. Unfortunately, whenever he’s around her, he just locks up. It was very uncomfortable. She suggested that they stop and get some energy drink, to perk him up, but it didn’t work.

Any dancing at this prom, Dave wonders? Not really, no. So, if you weren’t talking, and you weren’t dancing, what the hell was going on? You just sat at the table, giving each other the stink eye, Adam asks? Pretty much.

About two hours into the date, she drops the bomb – she has to be to work at 7am the next morning, so she needs to get home early. Right, of course, Teresa says, because when you work at Baskin-Robbins, it’s critical to be at your best.

Nicolle comes on the line. No sparks, Adam asks? No! He just wouldn’t talk, and he wouldn’t perk up. Billy’s got an idea though; he feels like it was too formal. If he were at the movies or what not, it would be easier to talk. Of course, because you can talk at the movies, Adam says. No kiss goodnight, though? No, no. She’s not sure if that’s what he was expecting, but it didn’t happen.

Ultimately, she wants to keep in touch and hang out with him, as soon as they get the transportation thing squared away. Hanging out, Adam repeats. Hmm. How about a more casual date, though? That’s where Billy really comes alive. She’d be open for that.

Nick the Limo Driver has entered the studio. He was driving their obnoxious SUV. How was their energy? It just wasn’t there, he says. Was there any arguing going on back there? No, no. The trip to the prom seemed like it was the “get to know each other” process, and they got to realize that they were so different from each other. Dave wants to know if they looked like they matched as a couple. You’d think so at first, but once you listen to them talk, not so much. You’d think so at first, Dave asks? He didn’t; not at all.

8:28 OZZIE REVIEWS THE DA VINCI CODE

Oswaldo gives us his impression of the new Tom Hanks movie, “The Da Vinci Code”.

8:44 RON JEREMY IN THE STUDIO

Ron Jeremy, famous porn star, is on the program to promote Boondock Saints. He’s also here to give Billy a little advice.

Teresa’s heard women mention that Ron is amazing at oral sex. Billy may not need this tip now, but for the future… how does he do it? He’s got to work hard to clean this up for radio, but you need to “lick the alphabet.” And you need to make sure you do it all for her. She shouldn’t even “see it” until she’s had at least one orgasm.

9:13 TED NUGENT ON THE PHONE

Ted Nugent, a.k.a The Nuge, is on the line. “Are you calling from Michigan,” Adam asks? No, actually, he’s calling in from Crawford, Texas, and they’re heading out again tomorrow. Doing a little touring, eh? No, Ted says – they never do anything little.

Adam and Ted riff a bit about Ted’s new show, “Supergroup”.

9:31 JOHNNY DELINQUENT

David Valdez is on the line, from prison. He’s serving time for conspiracy to commit murder. They’ve got him in maximum security, and he’s doing life, he says. Thirteen years in so far, too – he went in around 1993. He didn’t actually murder anybody, either; they say he solicited someone to murder someone else. The story goes, he talked to a guy at a bar that was wearing a wire, and before he knew it, the FBI tagged him and tossed him in the joint.

So, what happened, Adam asks? Didn’t have good representation? No, no, he did – he had Shapiro’s law firm. But unfortunately, that was around the time O.J. Simpson got arrested, so all the attention got shifted to him.

How does a typical day go for you, Adam wonders? Well of course, he wakes up to Adam in the morning, and he does landscaping at the prison throughout his day. They can get the radio show at the prison? Oh, definitely! It’s helping him through a rough time.

A huge downside of being in prison now, David says, is that they’ve taken away the rights to conjugal visits.

David puts another prisoner on the line. “What are you in for,” Adam asks? Murder. Wow, fantabulous. Did you actually kill a guy? Oh yeah. You gotta do what you gotta do. He used to listen to Adam on Loveline back in the day, and he loves the new show, too. Adam’s big in prisons, he’s finding out. He needs to get those guys some Arbitron ratings books.

9:40 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:43 SPORTS RECAP

Dave quickly recaps the sports, despite many interruptions.

ADAM WITH JOE GANNASCOLLI, JOSE CONSECO, PEREZ HILTON, CC DEVILLE AND WEEK 3 OF THE ADAM CAROLLA TRIVIA CHALLENGE

2006-05-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH JOE GANNASCOLLI, JOSE CONSECO, PEREZ HILTON, CC DEVILLE AND WEEK 3 OF THE ADAM CAROLLA TRIVIA CHALLENGE -- 5am to 10am PST, May 19, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 MO VS. THE WORLD

Today, Mo Dameshek, Dave's very own mother, will be going up against challengers to see who, if anyone, can defeat her in a trivia contest about the Adam Carolla Show. The winner gets $1,000 for today, plus the $1,000 that went unclaimed last week, for a total of $2,000. If nobody can beat her, the cash rolls over, and next week, people compete for $3,000.

Dave says his mother feels ashamed. She feels it means she has no life.

6:06 "SHOTGUN" TOM KELLY IN STUDIO

"Shotgun" Tom is on the program this morning, from K-EARTH 101. He's going to be emceeing the trivia contest today. Adam's got to say, he got into radio... well, not because of Shotgun. But because of people like him, around that era.

6:09 PRE-SCREENING

They're going to do a pre-screening, to try and get a few contestants ready for the trivia contest.

6:27 JOE GANASCOLLI ON THE PHONE

Joe Ganascolli, also known as Gay Vito from The Sopranos, is on the line to chat a little about the show.

6:45 BILLY'S PROM DATE

Billy Moses is in the studio to discuss his prom date tomorrow. He picked Nicolle during the competition earlier this week, so they give her a call to see what's going on. She says she's very excited to head out tomorrow! The limo's picking them up at 6:30, the prom starts at seven, and goes until midnight.

They go over their choices of prom clothing. Billy's going to be sporting a black tuxedo, and Nicolle is wearing an elegant pink dress with black shoes. Teresa thinks that sounds okay, but she definitely recommends switching to metallic shoes, like a gold, or a silver. Nicole exclaims "Thank you!" for the tip.

Apparently, though, Nicolle was supposed to be in studio today, but she couldn't make it, and it got Billy into a fight with Brusca. In addition, Dave points out, Billy wrote on the message board that Brusca needs more sex. They're making him out to be a tyrant, Brusca says.

Brusca points out that while Billy told Nicolle the limo is picking them up at 6:30, they don't actually have a limo. Their limo company was all booked up because of prom season, so they haven't been able to secure one. Billy amusingly suggests he can pick her up the same way he gets to the station each morning: on the Metro. It kills the mood when you're trying to feel up your prom date, and there's a smelly hobo next to you, Adam thinks. They want a limo driver who can take care of Billy and Nicolle to call in and book it.

7:08 NEWS

Teresa reports the morning's news.

7:18 SPORTS

Dave goes over the sports, and Jose Conseco calls in to talk with him for a bit.

7:28 NHL PLAYER OR TECH STOCK?

It's time for Dave to play a spirited round of NHL Player, or Tech Stock with some callers, to win tickets to the NHL play-offs.

7:43 THE TRIVIA CONTEST ROLLS ON

It's time to continue the trivia contest! Mo Dameshek calls in to taunt her opponents. (Incidentally, "Shotgun" Tom Kelly is in the booth, and he's brought a bobblehead of himself. Dave feels like Adam should have a bobblehead.)

They plow through a few questions with some callers.

8:04 PEREZ HILTON ON THE PHONE

Perez Hilton comes on the line to do his Hollywood Update. His website, perezhilton.com, gets a staggering number of hits per day, proving that something is wrong with society, Adam says.

8:19 BIG TAD'S KID

Big Tad is in the studio, to talk more about his alleged 5-year-old child. He's been asked to begin paying child support for a kid he didn't even know he had, but it's definitely possible that it's his. The woman he allegedly had the child with is living with someone else right now, and she has another child, an 8-year-old.

They bring Big Tad's attorney on the phone. When you're served with these kinds of papers, he says, the first thing you need to do is find an attorney that handles these particular cases, so they can go through the proper channels to establish paternity. You shouldn't attempt to contact the mother/father of the child; they need to figure out if you even know this person. Sometimes, they target the wrong guy or girl.

Secondly, you have to determine motive. The child is five years old already, so it's very uncertain at this point what the mother's motive is for tracking Big Tad down. But regardless of motive, you've got to establish paternity through a DNA test. The cost of a paternity test is $600, but the person being tested usually does not have to pay -- the money is fronted by the county. Teresa is confused, though. What would compel her to get a DNA sample from her child and provide it for the test? Most likely, he says, she's receiving aide money from the county, and they are forcing her to try and obtain child support. We don't even know at this point whether or not she'll be receiving the support herself; it may be going to the county. If she refuses in that case, the county will cut off her benefits. If she refuses in any case, though, it may be grounds for a dismissal of the case.

8:38 CC DEVILLE IN THE STUDIO

CC DeVille, best known as the lead guitarist from the glam band Poison, is on the program. They play a few voicemails CC left for Mike August, Power Booker, illustrating how desperate he was to get on the show. Obviously, he's back on the drugs, Adam says.

He met up with Poison in Los Angeles when he was around 24 years old. They started in Pennsylvania, but quickly ended up in L.A., so he hooked up with them on the Sunset Strip. Back then, he felt like he had to take a crash course in rock n' roll, so he hit the drugs and booze pretty hard. He was under the impression that to be a rocker, you had to spend your whole life nearly dead.

9:09 LYNETTE ON THE PHONE

Adam's wife Lynette is on the line to talk about how pregnant she is. Dave apologizes to her for the Cheechoo/Teemu bit; he's heard rumors she hates it. Hate's too strong of a word, though. It's more like, loathe.

9:16 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:21 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:33 THE TRIVIA CONTEST

It's finally time. Mo Dameshek vs. The World. The trivia contest semi-finals. Johnny versus Anna. The first to three correct answers here moves on to battle Mo Dameshek for $2,000.

After an intense battle, Johnny moves on to face Mo. Now it's showtime.

Johnny starts off good, but is stumped by a little Deaf Frat Guy trivia. Mo sweeps in for the steal. The final question is a tricky one: what is Adam's racist slang for the Mexican version of an Uncle Tom? Johnny struggles, and can't pull it out. Mo confidently proclaims that she knows what it is. Uncle Tom-bien! Correct! Mo Dameshek takes it home again!

Today's $1,000 rolls in with the $1,000 from the last two, for a total of $3,000 on the line next week!

ADAM WITH ALLEN COVERT, DOUG HALL AND THE GIBSON GUITAR-OFF

2006-05-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH ALLEN COVERT, DOUG HALL AND THE GIBSON GUITAR-OFF -- 5am to 10am PST, May 18, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 TALK EARLIER

Adam tries to read the phone number, he stumbles over a few of the numbers. This makes him realize he really needs to start talking to people earlier in the morning. His situation is a little different from, say, Brusca, who walks downstairs into what amounts to an IHOP in his kitchen. He gets up, and makes himself some breakfast -- it's a bit like solitary. If he makes a hot breakfast, his dog Molly will join him. But if it's cold breakfast, she'll pass on it.

His dog is a food snob, Dave points out.

6:08 RICH MAN, POOR MAN

They're going to play a little Rich Man, Poor Man. Teresa has gone onto the Adam Carolla Message Board and into the emails, and people have submitted some really good ones. Adam says he was fully prepared to be disappointed by the online contributions, but so far, it's all been great.

They take a few calls from people who have Rich Man, Poor Man scenarios.

6:12 A DELICATE SITUATION

A listener calls in; he was riding his bike yesterday, and found himself singing a Cheechoo/Teemu song. Don't get to bringing that up, Dave says. He doesn't know if anyone has heard yet, but... the Sharks were eliminated. No more Cheechoo.

6:18 SPEAK UP

Adam remembers a movie not too long ago with Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston, where he was a risk manager, and she was a free spirit, and she managed to convince him to become more like her. What a ridiculous concept. At what point during the production of these movies do they just ignore the script? Adam pretty much knows how it works now, though. They attach a few stars, and then the script is a moot point. Teresa points out that movie he was thinking of is Along Came Polly.

A listener calls up -- rich men make those terrible movies, and poor men actually enjoy them.

6:34 ALLEN COVERT IN THE STUDIO

Allen Covert, described by Adam as "the guy in every Adam Sandler movie", is on the program. He was one of their original guests, and Adam's happy that they've been on long enough to have him back.

During the break, Allen was telling Adam and Dave about a time recently when his cousin was attacked by an alligator in the Everglades of Florida. Not unsurprisingly, he was trying to show off for some rich people who he was giving a tour on his fan boat.

Adam Sandler and co. pretty much stick to the same group of people every movie, Allen says. Allen's in all the movies, and the same person/people write each one, etc.

7:13 HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS

It's time to play Hypothetical Questions with Allen Covert.

Who would you rather be in a car with on a cross-country trip? The guy who is a DJ at a strip club, or the guy who swims every day? The guy who swims every day. Wrong, that guy is way too annoying.

The sales guy who learns your name, then repeats it over, and over, and over, or the cop who uses way too many words in a sentence? Allen picks the cop. That's incorrect, Adam says. Allen begs to differ. You could try and get the cop drunk, and use his badge to pull over hot girls. Plus, he could flash the tin and get you out of tickets.

The homeless black guy, versus the homeless white guy. The white guy has the dog with a bandana on it. The black guy just tells crazy stories. Allen picks the black guy, and that's definitely correct, Adam says.

7:28 NEWS

Yesterday, the Senate passed a bill authorizing the construction of a fence between the border of the U.S. and Mexico. The estimated cost is $900 million.

7:38 SPORTS

Sadly, the San Jose Sharks were eliminated from the playoffs.

7:55 DOUG HALL IN THE STUDIO

Doug Hall, a judge on the show American Inventor, is on the program. When it comes to inventing, Doug thinks, there's a fine line between genius and stupidity. And they get to walk that line on every show.

According to some statistics, there are eighteen products in the average home that Doug Hall has either invented or had a hand in inventing. That's true, Doug says, but you have to remember -- he's worked with Proctor & Gamble, and Gatorade, just as two examples. Adam wonders if there's any potential in "Gay-torade", the sports drink for gay people. There's potential in everything, Doug thinks. But just because it exists, doesn't mean it makes money. 95% of all products released onto the market, fail.

Adam runs through a few ideas he has for inventions.

8:18 MAVERICK IN THE STUDIO

The Deaf Frat Guy, a.k.a. Maverick, is in the studio. He's decided to start his own fraternity, Delta Fu Gamma. That's DFG, Teresa points out. Deaf Frat Guy. Nice! He's also got his own website for the frat, deaffratguy.com. Teresa notices that he seems to be the only member of his fraternity. Maverick stresses that Moose is totally going to join up.

8:37 BIG TAD'S BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

Big Tad's got a bombshell to drop, and apparently, everybody in the building but Adam and Dave know. Dave is really hoping that the announcement isn't that Big Tad is just Tyra Banks in a fat suit.

Apparently, Big Tad... might have a kid. He might have a son out there somewhere. It was about five or six years ago. On Friday, he was served paperwork for child support. Back then, he found out that a girl he had slept with might be pregnant. He said, of course, he's going to do the honorable thing. But the girl said that she didn't want anything from him, and didn't want anything to do with him. Now, apparently, she wants money.

Jimmy Kimmel calls in to discuss it. The idea to air it out on the show came from Tad asking Jimmy what he thought they should do.

A listener, Jim, calls in. His wife runs a mobile DNA testing lab, and she could drive it over tomorrow to do the testing. Kimmel definitely thinks they should stretch this out for a month. This is one of those gifts that only comes around once every 6 or 7 years.

Shanna calls in. She knows Big Tad's ex-lover, and she knows this potential son. And the kid looks a lot like Tad. Just like him, in fact, except half Mexican. Why wait this long for all of this to come out, though, Adam wonders? Shanna doesn't know why it's taken so long.

She's going to try and get Geena, the mother of Big Tad's alleged child, on the phone.

9:17 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:22 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:31 THE GUITAR-OFF

It's time for the Gibson Guitar-Off. The three contestants, Ricky, Gustava and Rafe, will all play the same riff, and the winner will receive a $1,000 Gibson guitar. For extra credit, they can play a little of their favorite song, only changed to Cheechoo/Teemu.

When the decision comes in, it's unanimous -- Rafe is the winner!

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN, PAT O'BRIEN, CHRISTINE DULCE AND KANE

2006-05-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN, PAT O'BRIEN, CHRISTINE DULCE AND KANE -- 5am to 10am PST, May 17, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 NOT A FAN

Dave's sporting a Cheechoo t-shirt this morning, and it reminds Adam that his wife hates the Cheechoo/Teemu bit. She feels like it's played out. Although, she does credit Dave for "How say you?", and says it constantly in a Dameshek voice around the house. Adam swears he came up with that, but she argues with him.

The fishtank agrees with Dave.

6:03 PAULA IS CRAZY

Speaking of the fishtank, Randy Jackson's dog pound was in full effect last night on American Idol. And Paula was just as crazy, Adam points out. She even managed to not finish a sentence at one point, turning back to Randy and asking him to finish her sentence.

6:10 STANK

A listener calls up and asks how to tell a female co-worker that she's got a bad smell. Adam thinks the best way is to tell the woman that he heard a female caller on Loveline talk about a bad smell, and Dr. Drew thought it could be a harmful infection.

6:13 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian checks in after his comedy debut last week. Dave reminds everyone that Christian slaughtered at the Improv, and pulled a standing ovation. It's been a new life for him, Christian says. One of his teachers was actually at the show, and told everybody at school about how it went.

He'll be in the 9th grade soon -- that's high school now. It used to be Junior High. Adam feels like it's a bad idea to toss those 9th graders into the same school as a bunch of high school seniors. He's confident that many 9th graders have been deflowered by senior guys, because they can pull it off: "She goes to my school."

Christian does a little stand-up for the crew.

6:30 WHAT CAN'T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It's time for Adam to play a spirited round of What Can't Adam Complain About?
6:54 PEE OH BEE

Pat O'Brien calls in to chat. He thinks that Adam should do "What Would Adam Do?" Adam points out that Pat wouldn't do that bit; he'd want to tell you what Jesus would complain about, and he'd want to tell you, coming up in 22 minutes. Pat says that the other day, Lee Majors walked up to him on the street, and without introducing himself or saying hello, he just said "Why are things always coming up in 21 minutes? Why not 22 or 24?"

Dave proposes something to Pat. Not only did Adam already do "What Would Adam Do?" back on The Man Show, but the bit was written by Dave. That means Dave and Pat think alike. That being said, can Dave come to the Christmas party?

No.

Dang.

7:09 THE QUEEN OF MYSPACE

Christine Dulce, the Queen of Myspace, is in the studio. She's got over 900,000 friends on the website MySpace.com.

She gives some tips on a scenario that Adam puts forth (admittedly, it's a stretch): If they're all at a bar, and she's with her friends, and Adam want to extricate her from the group, how would he do it? Her biggest tip: don't be a one-upper. Teresa isn't sure what that means.

A couple listeners call in. One of them thinks Christine has got to be high, and the other swears she's got to be super hot, because she sounds super dumb.

7:26 WIN A GUITAR

Adam announces their second Gibson giveaway: call in, play a lick of It Wasn't Me by George Thorogood, and come in tomorrow for a chance to win a $1,000 Gibson guitar.

7:28 SHE BE ALL SMART AND STUFF

Some more callers weigh in on the intelligence of the previous guest.

7:31 NEWS

Mexico warned yesterday that if National Guard troops detain migrants on the border, the government of Mexico will file lawsuits on their behalf in the United States.

On American Idol last night, Katherine McPhee dazzled with her song "Somewhere Over The Rainbow."

Alec Baldwin had his debut as a radio host last night, and it did not work out very well.

7:37 SPORTS

NBA.
The Suns took it home last night in double overtime at game 5 of the NBA playoffs.

MLB.
Dodgers lost.
Padres lost.
Mariners lost.

NHL.
Oilers lead the Sharks in the Stanley Cup race.

7:49 KANE

Kane, a wrestler from the WWE, is in studio. Of course, that means that Big Tad is in the studio as well. Apparently, Kane flips out when he hears the date May 19th. Big Tad mocks him a few times by saying it -- Kane picks him right up out of his chair and tosses him on the ground.

Kane will be appearing in the new movie See No Evil.

8:08 THE JERK REPORT

It's time for Dave to out the jerks for this week.

Remember those old Dockers commercials? The ones with the close-ups of the guys pants? Those are gone now, but they have a whole new batch -- chance run-ins. Romantic encounters between strangers. And the song they use is awful. They've got the one where the two people on other trains see each other, and they run off the trains and meet each other. Stop creating these fantasies for men! Reality: she'd call him a stalker. Dockers... JERKS!

Of course, it's not just Dave watching out for jerks. He's got the Rebel Alliance out there, watching for jerks all over. opasewq writes in from the Adam Carolla Message Board: She wants to give Juan Pierre a Get-Out-of-Jerk Free Card for stealing a home run opportunity from Barry Bonds. Another one goes to the person who hit Bonds with a baseball.

rowebot from the Message Board is upset about Paris Hilton not even knowing the name of her own video game at E3. Paris Hilton... JERK!

Dave accidentally calls someone a creep instead of a jerk... so he calls himself a jerk.

Brian Burwell reported that Barry Bonds is unliked because he's a jerk. Yes, Dave knows that Brian -- because HE SAID IT. Brian... JERK!

People have been complaining to Big Tad that Brusca is unfriendly in the hallway. Even Billy, the 17-year-old webmaster, said that Brusca was rude, and he requested Brusca be added to the Jerk Report. Brusca... JERKS!

The Dodgers requested Adam Carolla come out and see their new box seats... Adam's assistant responded that his wife was pregnant, and he couldn't make it, so what about sending Dave Dameshek? They responded... we'll wait for Adam. What an outrage! The Dodgers... JERKS!

And now, it's time for the Creep of the Week. For the fifteenth straight week.

BARRY BONDS!

This is another one from the Adam Carolla Message Board. Last Sunday, it was Breast Cancer Awareness Day. They were all using pink bats and wearing wristbands to show their support. But not only did he not use a pink bat, but he didn't wear the wristband either. As opasewq on the Boards points out, this means that he not only hates women, but he loves cancer.

Jeff calls in. He wants to add a few people to the Jerk Report -- Lakers fans who are turning up wearing Clippers gear at the playoffs. Very good call, Dave says. You chose your team! Don't turn coat!

8:29 THE RIFFS

It's time to let the callers come on and try out for a chance to win the Gibson guitar.

8:51 WHAT?

Sometimes, Adam will pick up the phone and hit Talk, put it to his ear, and... hear nothing. It's one of those things where you are confused for a second. Finally, you say... hello? And you hear Ozzie. That's how it works. It's always Ozzie.

8:52 HOW LAZY IS THAT

Adam was just in the bathroom at the urinal, and there was a sales guy at the one next to him. And he was leaning on the divider between the urinals. How lazy is that? He's not sure if the guy was drunk or just tired of looking at his own wang.

Speaking of those dividers, they could be a little taller, couldn't they? Adam's 6'2", and when he's in there, he can certainly see a short guys' wangus. Let's make those taller.

8:53 VIVA

When Adam is at the station, any time he goes into the bathroom, there's someone pissing. If we could harness that power using some sort of hydroelectric plant, we could light up Las Vegas. We need to find ways to harness not only the power of people urinating, put the power of people crapping, as well. Can we find some method to burn human waste and use it for power?

9:07 PSA

Over the break, Adam heard KLSX play a commercial for the Click It Or Ticket campaign. He's not sure if all the affiliates played it, so he has Bill play it now. The only message they give you in that is, put your seatbelt on and slow down. Do we really need to hear that? How about, turn right when the intersection is clear, even if the light is red.

9:10 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:23 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:39 EUGENE FROM SPAIN

Eugene from Spain, who called in yesterday, sent in a Cheechoo/Teemu song. They play a bit of it.

ADAM WITH BRUCE LANSKY, BILL RANCIC AND THE ED

2006-05-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH BRUCE LANSKY, BILL RANCIC AND THE ED -- 5am to 10am PST, May 16th, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS

Adam has realized that back in the day, public service announcements actually held some weight. For example, you'd get a semi-famous ski instructor up there, telling you ski safety tips. Now, they are useless and vague -- like the "don't smoke" ads. Can you even find anyone in the third grade or higher that doesn't understand smoking is bad for you? And here's another -- "Talk to your kids." Who, that is watching this show, and is not talking to their kids, is going to start talking to their kids after seeing this ad?

This morning, Adam saw a public service announcement about pool safety. The problem with this one isn't the message, though. It's the ridiculous explanation of what the actualy use of a pool is. "The pool can provide hours of fun family entertainment on a hot summer day. But, it can also be a killer." Thank you for the first part.

The worst part to play in one of these public service announcements, though, has got to be in the genital herpes commercial. It's not who you think though, Adam says. The worst part isn't the woman. It's the boyfriend. Obviously, she didn't get the herpes from him. She got it from some other guy who had some sex with her, and did all sorts of debauchery on her, and now this guy's got to deal with it.

Darren calls in. The reason networks do those innane public service announcements, he thinks, is because they have community service obligations to fulfill. That's true, Adam says -- and the networks really don't care what they fill that time with.

6:15 PEN CAPS

Someone is still chewing on the pens in the studio, Adam points out. Why?

6:28 THE EXPENSIVE SCHOOL

Yesterday, Jimmy Kimmel's ex-wife was over at Adam's house, helping his wife set up the nursery. And the topic of private school came up. Adam didn't really see the point of expensive schools. But Jimmy's ex, Geena, sees it differently. You send your kids to public school, they make friends. And you don't want your kids bringing home a bunch of little gangbangers who are casing your nice house for theft.

It's an interesting point, Dave says.

6:33 THE BEEF WITH DAMESHEK

Brusca just passed Adam a card that read "Bring up the beef." So, apparently, Teresa and Dameshek have a beef. Yesterday, Dameshek came in right before the news, and gave Teresa a news item. She replied, "Maybe if you give me more notice, I can do a better job." Dameshek proceeded to lecture her didactically about how things happen, and she needs to be able to react to changes on the fly. Teresa felt like it was a little harsh, but it was good advice.

Dave thinks Brusca is trying to manufacture trouble where none exists.

6:36 BRUCE LANSKY ON THE PHONE

Bruce Lansky, baby name expert, is on the phone. He's got some tips for naming babies. One is, statistically, kids who are named with those "names from the hood" have difficulty getting jobs, as opposed to people with more traditional names. Adam feels like that study is slightly biased, because people with those kinds of names on their resumes may possibly not be doing so well in other departments.

These are the most popular twin girl/boy names for 2004, Bruce says: Taylor/Tyler, Emma/Ethan, Natalie/Nathan. Adam doesn't understand the strategy of naming boy and girl twins names that have the same first letter. Here's another: Alexis/Alexander. Essentially the same name, which is "weird', Bruce thinks.

7:00 EQUALITY

The snoring of his pregnant wife has reached critical mass, Adam laments. And now his dog Molly has begun snoring sympathetically along with her. Teresa feels like Adam really isn't painting a pretty picture with the constant bemoaning of his pregnant wife. Well, saying nice things isn't funny. Dameshek tells Adam that all this talk is making his wife worry, too.

Will Adam be in the delivery room, Teresa wonders? Well, yes, but he feels like this is one of those things that we've been sold as a society. Somewhere along the line, we as a society (and we, Adam points out, means everyone but him,) have decided that men and women should be the same. Why can't women play football? Why can't women do this? Why can't women do that? And then it started. Why can't men do this or that? And men started having to do things that used to be the exclusive domain of women. That includes being in the delivery room. At least his wife is delivering via C-section though, Adam mentions. He doesn't have to stand there and look down the barrel of the gun, as it were. He can't imagine having to watch that, and then three weeks later, make sweet, passionate love to what you saw babies come out of.

As a bonus, Teresa points out, sometimes when women give vaginal birth, they lose control of their bowels.

7:20 SOME FREE ADVICE

James "Lights Out" Toney dispenses his own brand of marriage advice.

7:22 NEWS

President Bush has announced that he will send 6,000 National Guard troops in an attempt to secure the United States border with Mexico.

O.J. Simpson is shooting a Punk'd-style prank show, called Juiced.

The Black Eyed Peas did a free concert at a high school in California.

6:32 SPORTS

NBA.
Game 5 tonight -- Suns versus Clippers.

7:46 BILL RANCIC IN THE STUDIO

Bill Rancic, the winner of the first season of Apprentice, is on the show. Adam finds Bill interesting because even after there's been many other winners, he's still the one in the limelight, while the others seem to disappear into their new jobs.

A funny trend Adam's noticed, is sometimes Trump is getting charged up, and getting ready to fire someone, and right before he does it... someone speaks up. He'll shoot them a quick glance to tell them to be quiet, and continue. And then, they talk again. He turns in his chair, and lets loose with something like "YOU LIKE TO TALK? YOU CAN TALK DURING THE CAB RIDE HOME!" Bill says that's happened several, several times.

7:53 SOME CHEECHOO SONGS

A couple people call in quickly with their Cheechoo songs. The person who is judged to have the best song wins $400 in Overstock.com swag.

8:05 MAVERICK IN THE STUDIO

The Deaf Frat Guy, a.k.a. Maverick, is on the program. Adam's hoping that Bill Rancic can help Maverick out with his efforts in finding a job. Unfortunately, though, it looks like Maverick may not graduate -- he may be a 6th-year senior soon.

Bill guides Maverick through the job interviewing process.

8:25 MAVERICK'S ADVICE

Maverick takes a few calls from listeners who need advice.

The first caller wonders, how can he get his girlfriend to let him have anal sex with her? Maverick has been in a similar situation. He had this chick that he had gone all the way with; he had done her six ways from Sunday. But he hadn't knocked on the back door. One night, he wanted to do it. But she said, no, not yet -- let's wait until we get to Cabo. Long story short, when the hotel manager came in the next morning, he thought a deer was being slaughtered in the room. He checked if everything was okay.

Another listener calls in. The other day, he came back from a trip to Rhode Island, and he realized that his roommate had stolen his prescription drugs, and urinated on his computer, and there was lubricant spread out on the dresser. He really didn't know what to do. What should he do? Maverick doesn't mean to sound like a broken record here, but... potato gun. The caller mentions he didn't have a potato gun on him at the time. Why not? It's better to have a potato gun, and not need one, then to need one, and not have one. The more you know.

8:45 MORE CHEECHOO SONGS

More listeners call in with their Cheechoo songs.

Adam and Dave widdle it down to Neko and Aaron -- Neko doing a spoof of Hotel California by The Eagles, and Aaron busting out a little modification of Song 2 by Blur.

Neko and Aaron both do an encore performance of their songs. After hearing both of them again, it's unanimous -- they've got to give it to Aaron.

9:13 EUGENE FROM SPAIN

Eugene calls in; he lives in Spain. A friend of his in Los Angeles told him about Loveline, and he's been listening for the past two years, and now he streams Adam's show live on the Internet. Adam says this is what the Internet is good for -- pornographers, and the sharing of ideas across international waters.

9:16 HOW SAY YOU, LISTENER?

Fishtank from The Adam Carolla Message Board calls in to read a poem he handily crafted about Teresa Strasser. Very good, Teresa says. She feels good about that, and it's not often she feels good.

9:19 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:26 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:39 THE ED IN STUDIO

The Ed is on the program; he's in from Las Vegas with his church group. The Ed is their most regular caller, so it's great for them to finally meet him. He tells the story of how he got to know Phone Screener Bryan.

Unfortunately they are pressed for time, so they have to move on, but Brusca asks him to stick around for the rest of the show.

9:51 TERESA'S INTRODUCTION SONG

As a full-fledged member of the team, Teresa has to crack out an introduction song. She does it to the tune of Uptown Girl, and she warns us all: she's not only tone deaf, she's got worse rhythm than Jaron.

ADAM WITH CHRIS DAUGHTRY AND FRANK VINCENT

2006-05-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH CHRIS DAUGHTRY AND FRANK VINCENT -- 5am to 10am PST, May 15, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 BOUNDLESS ENERGY

Adam mentions Ozzie is coming in for a movie review today, and the topic of Mission Impossible 3 comes up. This was a good movie, Adam thinks, but people are giving it a negative spin, because they can't stand Tom Cruise. People just can't fathom a guy like Tom who's so goddamned happy just to get out of bed in the morning. There's a part of us that's just not comfortable with that.

6:02 GOOD FLICKS

Somehow, MI:3 opened to $48 million, and people said it was a failure. This weekend, Poseidon opened to like $20 million. Are people just not interested in these movies? Dave says he didn't see Poseidon just out of disinterest. He figured it would just be a rehash of the original.

Adam feels like MI:3 was overall just a terrific movie. He asks Teresa if she's seen any of these movies. She saw "Thank You For Smoking" over the weekend at the Arclight, and she sees why the cinema attendance is down -- she paid $28 for two people. Well, Adam saw his at the Egyptian in the VIP section for $20 a piece. What's the VIP section, Dave asks? He's not allowed to discuss it. He wouldn't want the little people to get angry and storm his castle.

6:08 SUPER CRAZY PREGNANT

Teresa wants to know how the babies are doing. She's super crazy pregnant, Adam says, and it should be any day now. She's snoring so loudly, he had to ask her to roll over and face the other way. And of course, for Mother's Day, he got her a pack of Breathe-Right strips, as well as some cabinets for the nursery.

6:12 POPULAR NAMES

Since the birth of Adam's kids is imminent, Teresa gets on the 'Net and looks up some of the popular baby names of recent years.

6:18 MARK THE POET

Mark the Poet calls in with a limerick for Teresa. He wrote it for her "while she was out." The crew applauds it; good work! Teresa thanks him. Brusca is a kill joy, though -- "It's good, because it was so short."

Teresa feels like he's the greatest poet of our time, after that.

6:28 THE QUEST FOR A PROM DATE

Billy Moses, the 17-year-old Webmaster, is in studio. And he's single, ladies. He's still looking for a prom date, and he's got several girls in the studio to audition. Nicolle is here -- she was one of the myriad of women who responded to the call for a prom date. Also in the studio, we have Melinda, 17-year-old cousin of Mike the Intern. And finally, we have Shannon, also known as Chewbacca from Friday morning who decorates cakes for a living.

Nicolle just pulled a job at Baskin-Robbins, and she lives with her sister, who is also her guardian. Her mom is in no position to raise her right now, and her dad passed away in 1998.

Shannon is a full-figured woman, Dave says. Adam says yes, all three girls are beautiful in their own way, so it depends on what Billy is looking for.

Dave decides that they need to do something like Elimidate -- Billy needs to spend time with all three of them during the course of the show, and eliminate one of them, then bring the two remaining girls back into the booth later on and figure out which one he's going to take to the prom.

6:41 A CRAZY GUY

Adam says there's a call up on the screen from "a crazy guy." He takes it.

6:53 SOME FREE ADVICE

Heavyweight Champion James "Lights Out" Toney dispenses some free advice to a new step-mother.

6:55 THE WINDOW

Last week, on Thursday, Adam had to have some phone lines installed for a business he's running out of his warehouse. And it had been long enough since he dealt with the phone company, that he had forgotten about "the window." Yes, the window. We'll be there between 8am and 4pm. First off, Adam points out, that's not a window. That's a sliding glass door. It's a gaping metor-strike hole. A three-car garage door. Your first thought is, "you must've made that appointment yesterday." But, oh no. It was two weeks ago. And that's because there is zero competition. Find a place where there is a ton of competition, like a termite exterminator. No windows.

And that, Adam feels, is why communism has never worked, and never will. You need that competition to inspire people to actually do their damn job in a timely manner.

A listener calls in who installs air conditioners, and he has the same issue with inspectors. Yes, Adam confirms -- building inspectors are exactly the same way. It's any government agency or utility that has a monopoly in their field. And communism is like having one huge cable company, or one huge phone company. They don't have to work hard. Competition breeds success.

Incidentally, Dave is curious what kind of business Adam is running out of a warehouse. Is he dealing arms? No. White slavery.

Another listener comes on -- he tricks the utilites. Every once in a while, he calls the phone or cable company and asks them to come out, then he makes sure he isn't home when they arrive. That's the reason we have the window, someone chimes in.

7:18 NEWS

President Bush is expected to describe a plan tonight which will call for the National Guard to man the United States/Mexico border.

The Hussein trial has resumed, with reports describing Sadaam as "angry" and "contentious."

7:27 SPORTS

NBA.
Clippers defeated the Suns last night.

MLB.
Major League Baseball had a "Breast Cancer Awareness Day", where all the players were encouraged to use pink bats.

7:47 OSWALDO'S MOVIE REVIEW

Ozzie is in the studio to review Poseidon.

8:01 BILLY'S PROM DATE

Billy, the show's webmaster, is going to pick a prom date out of Melinda, Shannon and Nicolle. Shannon is a 19 year old cake decorator.Shannon has a hobopower story, dealing with her mother dying in February. After her mother died, the body wasn't discovered for a week. The apartment was covered in excrement and vomit.

Dave wants to know how many of these women have the Billies. They all think Billy is cute and sweet. Adam mentions that you want a woman to call you hot, but low in the personality department.

Billy tells Adam that Shannon has four sisters and has gone through some problems. She like to party and hang out with friends. But the story she told him in the hall freaked him out a bit, and she's not single. Shannon has a boyfriend. Adam tells Shannon that Billy doesn't need an angry pimp confronting him in the parking structure. With that, Billy tells Shannon goodbye.

8:23 DRUNK TREE KARAOKE

Erin, the Drunk Tree Mascot, is on the program. For those who are new to the show, she was originally the Tree mascot for Stanford University, but she was let go when she was found drunk inside her suit.

She's got a song about "Brisket", a.k.a. Brusca.

8:38 LOVE FOR BILLY

The Drunk Tree Mascot wants to toss her pom-poms in the ring and try out for Billy's prom date. She does a cheer for him -- but it has to be dumped out, because it's too profane. "Get out of here," Adam demands.

8:42 THE ED'S DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES REVIEW

The Ed has a review of Desperate Housewives.

Last night, Gabriella and her husband got in a fight, because the husband was treating the pregnant maid better than her. She got mad about that. And someone else has a daughter that could be her son dressed up. Lois had her house burn down and her husband's girlfriend did it, and she said "Ha Ha I burnt down your house, what are ya gonna do about it?" Then the girl got stung by a bunch of bumble bees, so something did happen to her. Ed thinks the ratings are down, and next week they're doing a two hour show, and it's the last one.

8:55 CHRIS DAUGHTRY ON THE PHONE

Chris is the latest reject from American Idol, and there's been an overwhelming outpouring of support from his fan base ever since. Many are saying that he had the "best pipes", including Adam. Chris' best approximation, according to what he's heard, is that many people thought he was a "sure thing" and just didn't vote for him that night.

He's still contractually obligated to go out on the American Idol tour, with the rest of the top ten. It's headlined by the order they were eliminated, Adam assumes, and Chris confirms that is how it works. Chris has also been offered the gig as the lead singer of Fuel, but he's taking time to consider every offer. He's got a band back home too, he says, and he might want to work with them. Adam says they're probably pissed, and are currently holding their own miniature American Idol to find a new Chris.

Of course, Adam points out that the ultimate goal of American Idol is exposure, not winning. Regardless of winning, if you're good, you will get a deal out of this. Chris just recently figured that out. Going into it, he says, you're totally focused on winning. But once you're eliminated, and the media blitz continues, you have an epiphany -- you've accomplished your goal, even without being number one.

A lot of this comes down to not just who is the best, but who you think could use it the most, Adam feels. A lot of these people are set already. Katherine McPhee is already set for life. All of them are, really, Chris says.

If you could pick a winner, who would it be, Adam wonders? Chris says you don't want to know.

9:13 BILLY'S PICK

Billy is back in the studio with his two finalists, and it's time to pick one: Melinda or Nicolle. Billy had a very interesting conversation with both of them, he says. "Put the notes away," Dave says. You've got to speak from the heart.

He goes through a little back story for both of them.

It's time to make the big decision... but first, Billy has to ask -- how many guys have you been with? Two. That's fine, Dave says. It's like playing with a catcher's mitt that's already been broken in.

Both of these girls are really nice, but ultimately, he's going to have to say Nicolle. She accepts. Dave tells Billy to stop rubbing his hands together manically.

9:32 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:38 SPORTS RECAPS

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:51 FRANK VINCENT ON THE PHONE

Frank Vincent, aka Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos, quickly calls in to chat with the crew about yesterday's episode.

ADAM WITH ROBERT SCHIMMEL, AMY MCCARTHY, JIM BELUSHI, JOSEPH GANNASCOLI

2006-05-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH ROBERT SCHIMMEL, AMY MCCARTHY, JIM BELUSHI, JOSEPH GANNASCOLI

6:00 NEVER LEAVE AGAIN

It's tough driving a rental car, Adam says. You get in, and you're trying to find the control to run the windshield wipers, but you can't. You have to devote mental energy to finding the damn things. Once you do, you're golden, but before that, you're just dedicated to finding them.It's the same way with him and the news girls on this show. You can't ever leave again, Adam tells Teresa. Tomorrow is Saturday, so she'll be in anyway. Wait, in? No, no. You can't leave.

6:04 TRIVIA CONTEST

Yesterday, they had the Mom Off -- Dave's mom and Adam's mom competed to see who knew the most about The Adam Carolla Show. Questions were tossed around such as "What is the name of the show's black intern?" Dave's mom knew a tremendous amount of information about the show, so much so that she called Dave after it was over and apologized for embarrassing him. In fact, she knew so much, that listeners took it upon themselves to call in and say that they could totally defeat her in the trivia game. She refused to participate any more in any trivia on-air, for fear of embarrassing Dave any more. That is, until she found out people were saying they could defeat her.Now, she's in. And it's on.A few listeners call in to play some trivia.

6:32 BILLY MOSES NEEDS A PROM DATE

The on-going saga of Billy Moses and his need for a prom date continues unabated. Billy, the shows 17-year-old webmaster, is in the studio. Yesterday, he asked Adam in the hallway if he'd ever actually been to the website. "No", said Adam. Billy just lowered his head and walked away.Billy at one point actually had someone who said she would go with him to prom. Adam vetoed that at the last second, though. It just wouldn't have been good for Billy. Look, Adam says -- guys will take sympathy sex, but not sympathy dates. That'll actually drag your self esteem even lower than it already is.Shannon comes on the line. She's a nineteen year old cake decorator, and she might be interested in going to prom with Billy! She sounds like Chewbacca though. "I'm a little sick," she points out. How tall are you, and how big? She's 5'9", and 160. Adam says, let's do a little radio math. It's no different than the internet. Radio math dictates that you're 5'7" and 170. Hmm.They switch to Melinda. She's seventeen -- err, a little underage. She's got medium brown hair, blue eyes, and she's tall. She's only a sophomore in high school, though. She took a year off. Adam totally feels that; when he was that age, he had to walk the country. Teresa wrote a novel during that time, she says. Why did you take a year off, they finally work up the courage to ask? Family problems. She really can't say what they were, though.Nicole calls in. She met Billy last night, and she wants to go to prom with him. She thinks he's a great kid, and he thinks she's "smokin' hot."

6:56 ROBERT SCHIMMEL IN THE STUDIO

Comedian Robert Schimmel is on the program. He'll be appearing at the Brea Improv tonight, through Sunday.(Listen to the Robert Schimmel interview at Adam's Podcasts.)

7:16 NEWS

An investigation has been launched into allegations that the NSA is collecting information on every private telephone call made in America.Teri Hatcher said on Letterman last night that she did indeed kiss Ryan Seacrest, but they were not dating. "I'm just a slut," she says.According to a new study, men live shorter lives, because chasing after women is stressful and lowers your life expectancy.The movies Poseidon, Just My Luck, and Goal all open this weekend.

7:23 SPORTS

MLB.The San Diego Padres, and the San Francisco Giants, both won.
The Oakland Athletics, and the Los Angeles Dodgers, both lost.

NHL.Mighty Ducks won.

7:38 AMY MCCARTHY IN THE STUDIO

Amy McCarthy, sister of Jenni McCarthy, is on the program. She's a Playboy Cyber Girl of the Week, and she bears a striking resemblance to her sister, Adam says. She never gets that, she sarcastically remarks.Basically, she got called into Playboy because her sister was. Jenny had kept it a secret from her parents that she was going to be appearing in Playboy, and they were on vacation when the issue came out. So naturally, when they got back, they flipped out.(Listen to Adam and the gang talking with Adam McCarthy over at Adam's Podcasts.)

7:46 TECH STOCK OR NBA PLAYER?

Dave and Amy play a spirited round of Tech Stock, or NBA Player?

7:57 MOVE YOUR ASS

People in Los Angeles tend to not get moving when they're in their car, Adam thinks. They're always just driving around slowly, not turning when it's clear, etc. The other day he was trying to turn into a chinese place, and someone behind him just laid on their horn for 12 seconds. Wrong time to honk! Here's a time to honk, Adam points out angrily. Honk when the person in front of you won't turn right on red when there is no cross-traffic. Honk when the person in front of you ignored the left turn lane and is trying to turn left from the middle lane. Honk when people are going under the speed limit.The more you know. In fact, why are we using The More You Know ads to point out that smoking is bad, when we've got these traffic problems?

8:13 TRIVIA

The trivia contest continues, as Adam and the gang tries to eliminate a few competitors and "thin the herd."

8:22 PEREZ HILTON'S HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP

Perez Hilton is calling in from London, and he's got some juicy celebrity gossip.Leif Garret was just sentenced to three months in jail.Paris Hilton showed up at the Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles yesterday to promote a new video game she has coming out, and she didn't know the name of it.Chris Daughtry from American Idol has been offered the job of the lead singer of "Fuel".

8:38 JIM BELUSHI IN THE STUDIO

Jim Belushi, known recently for his work on the show According To Jim, is on the phone. He's not here to promote the show, Adam points out. He's here to promote his new book, which is basically a manual for how to cheat on your wife. He cracks up; "It is not!" He's just saying that because your wife might be listening, Adam thinks.He's currently out in Rhode Island shooting a live-action version of Underdog. "What character are you playing," Adam asks? The father! Who's playing Underdog, though? The voice of Underdog is Jason Lee, from My Name Is Earl.Jim will be appearing at the House Of Blues on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood tomorrow, May 13th. For ticket information, see TickCo.)

8:54 JOSEPH GANNASCOLI

Joseph Gannascoli, “Gay Vito” form The Sopranos, is on the show.

They’re having phone problems, so Adam talks to Bill – the gay board operator. Frank Vincent called Bill’s cousin and told him that Bill is gay. Evidently, Bill’s cousin had no idea.

Adam gets Joseph on the phone. He has a cookbook out right now called “A Meal to Die For.”

Joseph says that he finds that his character is causing members of the gay community to come up to him and relate to him. Adam tells him that that’s a hazard of the job. Adam says that he did participate on a float in the Los Angeles Gay Pride Parade. They wanted to put a banner on the float that said “Hello Gays,” but they didn’t do that. Instead, they simply dressed as the Village People. Adam dressed as the construction worker and Jimmy Kimmel dressed as the cop.

9:03 HOBOPOWER

Adam prepares to play a round of hobopower with callers.

9:12 ADAM AND HOBOPOWER

Adam plays a round of hobopower with callers.

Some of the items of note: a jar of dead mice left to rot in the sun and then broken open (rates a 53), anchovies on a catalytic converter (rates a 73), removing a catheter from a man’s nether regions and then having green pus shoot out (rates a 43).

9:27 THE NEWS

Teresa recaps the news.

Forbes magazine put out a list of the 10 most generous celebrities.

9:32 THE SPORTS

Dave recaps the sports.

9:36 TRIVIA

Yesterday, the slaughter rule was enacted when Mo’ Dameshek smoked Adam’s mother. Next up, trivia with a listener with $1000 at stake.

9:45 TRIVIA CONTEST

Who knows more about the Adam Carolla Show: Mo’ Dameshek or Chad, one of Adam’s listeners? Someone’s walking away with $1000 and the Ed is taking bets.

First to get 5 right will win the game.

Mo’ get to 5 first and wins the trivia game, beating Chad hands down.

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, MARC MARON, JEFF PROBST AND TOM WILSON

2006-05-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, MARC MARON, JEFF PROBST AND TOM WILSON -- 5am to 10am PST, May 11th, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 TRACY METRO IN THE STUDIO

Tracy is in the studio, filling in for Teresa Strasser. Teresa IS the new news girl, but she had prior commitments up until tomorrow.

6:02 YOUR THING

Dave points out that once again, Teresa is wearing orange. She's worn orange every day they've seen her, he says. But that's her thing. If you're that kind of person, you're basically making it easier on the world to find gifts for you. Whenever it's time to give you something, they can just find you anything in that color and give it to you.

6:11 THE BIG SHOW

Last night they had the big comedy show with Christian the 13-year-old comedian. It was fantastic, Dave says. The big bombshell, though, was when Adam had to leave to take care of his pregnant wife. Dave had to take over and run the show. He thought it was going to be awkward and what not, but Christian was actually really good. He had the crowd busting out laughing, and it wasn't forced, polite laughter.

6:38 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, aka Deaf Frat Guy, is on the program. They've also got a 12th year senior from the University of Wisconsin, who is Maverick's hero. "Hell yeah," Maverick says. That guy is awesome. But he has a job though. He's been in school so long, he's afraid to leave it. Why don't you go to post-Graduate school, Maverick asks? That's just too scary. You have to specialize.

Maverick has finally had some wrongs righted in his life, though. As he first announced at the Improv last night, the gypsies who robbed him and his frat buddies down in Cabo during Spring Break have been captured and they are being prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Since he didn't graduate, he's got to try and make some money. So he's printed up and started selling his own Deaf Frat Guy t-shirts. (Coming soon, you'll be able to buy your own Deaf Frat Guy beefy tee from http://www.adamcarolla.com).

6:52 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian is on the program. He was out at the Improv last night, and he absolutely killed. Are you going to continue doing the stand-up, though, Adam asks? Definitely. So, what, are you going to drop out of school? Christian's mom says definitely. They get the impression that Christian's mom is not kidding around.

7:07 NEWS

Teresa reads the news.

7:23 SPORTS

Dave reads the sports news.

7:37 MARC MARON IN THE STUDIO

Marc Maron from Air America Radio is on the program.

Adam tells a story of after 9/11, when Jimmy Kimmel was invited on Conan O'Brian. Jimmy said he would only do it if he could bring his partner Adam Carolla onto the show, but Conan's people said that they didn't allow partner guests. Of course, they do and they have in the past, so they were lying. It's weird. Late night hosts are the squeaky clean comedians.

Dave says, and Adam agrees, that he loves booze and pot so much that he'd never want to burn out on it or abuse it. Although, as Adam has stated in the past, he feels like weed has gotten much too strong.

8:12 THE MOTHER"S DAY MOM-OFF

It's time for Moe Dameshek, Dave's mother, and Adam's mom, to get on the line and compete head to head in a "mom off" to see who knows the most about their son.

8:21 MAVERICK'S ADVICE

A listener calls in to get some advice from the Deaf Frat Guy. He inadvertantly has been turned gay by the movie Brokeback Mountain -- or so the caller believes. What should you do in a situation like that?

8:38 JEFF PROBST IN THE STUDIO

Jeff Probst from Survivor, and the reigning Asskiss Rodeo Celebrity Champion, is on the program. Jeff says that in honor of Adam having an official "Survivor Dance" that he does when the show comes on, he now does a Sopranos dance. Unfortunately, it involves disrobing, so only his woman gets to see it. Such a passionate man, Adam says.

Adam and Jeff talk a little Survivor.

9:01 ASSKISS RODEO

It's time to play a little asskiss rodeo with Jeff. But as a twist, they decide to bring out the reigning Asskiss Rodeo Champion, Zach, and pit him against Jeff Probst, the reigning Celebrity Asskiss Rodeo Champion.

9:24 TRIVIA

Adam asks the listeners to call in and answer some trivia about the Adam Carolla Show. The winners will go up against the winner of this mornings Mom Off, Dave's mom, to see who knows the most about the show -- some random caller, or the co-hosts mother.

9:39 TOM WILSON IN THE STUDIO

Tom Wilson joins the program. He appeared alongside David Allen Grier, Jeff Ross, Christian the 13-year-old Comedian, Dave Attell and more last night at the Hollywood Improv. Adam assumes Tom broke out the guitar last night and did some songs on-stage. "Yes, you assume," Tom fires back, "because you split." Dave asks Tom to think about how he feels, getting told he's going to be emceeing about 30 seconds before he started doing it.

Adam's got twins on the way, but Tom still can't respect that, he says, because he's got four kids. With twins, the parents can say "Oh, I've got this one, you've got that one!" With three kids, one of them has gone free agent. And with four, they are always slipping on and off the radar screen.

Tom is set to perform a song, but they run out of time. Adam promises to have him back soon so he can play it.

ADAM WITH PAT O'BRIEN, ROB AND SCOTT NEIDERMEIER, CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN AND JEFF ROSS

2006-05-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH PAT O'BRIEN, ROB AND SCOTT NEIDERMEIER, CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN AND JEFF ROSS -- 5am to 10am PST, May 10th, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 STACY FILLING IN

Stacy will be filling in for Teresa Strasser today. Unfortunately, even though they hired Teresa full time, they told her too late for her to free up her week. She'll be back on Monday.

6:03 TADITUDE

They got a lot of "taditude" this morning, Dave says. Big Tad was late for work, and they had to give him a little crap about it. They really didn't have to bring that up, Tad says.

6:07 RICH MAN, POOR MAN

Adam plays a spirited round of Rich Man, Poor Man.

One thing the middle class seems to be brainwashed with, Adam says, is that second hand smoke is a first class killer. Rich people will smoke in the house, and even have a smoking room. Poor people just don't care.

Dave brings up another thing that is just a middle class thing. The middle class willl tell you, "Oh, my wife runs this house." The rich don't ever see their wife, and the poor just beat the hell out of their wife.

A listener calls in. The Harley-Davidson, he says. The rich man will of course have a nice motorcycle to play around with, and the poor man will just be a white trash biker dude. The middle class guy isn't allowed to have a motorcycle.

James proffers "eviction notices." The rich man gets to hand out eviction notices, and the poor man gets them. Interesting, Adam says. The middle class rarely deals with eviction notices.

Chris brings up taxidermy. The nice rich guy has a big marlin on his wall that he caught on some fishing trip. The poor guy has a jackalope.

Marcus calls in with "fishing." Rich people do it for fun and sport, and poor people sometimes do it just to catch some food to cook up and eat.

Darren points out that neither rich guys nor poor guys will clean up after themselves. Agreed, Adam says. Rich guys feel entitled to be cleaned up after, and poor guys just don't care.

6:47 PAT O'BRIEN ON THE PHONE

Pat O'Brien from The Insider calls in to talk celebrity gossip with Adam.

6:57 BRANDON VERSUS MARK, ROUND ONE

Brandon, Dave's cousin, is on the line. He's got an ongoing rivalry with Mark the Poet. He lives in Harrisburg, PA and he writes grants for a non-profit. Booooooring, Adam says.

Mark the Poet comes on the line and does an "abrubt, angry" poem about Brandon. Brandon says his retort is a little bit longer, but he reads it. When it's over, Adam says he was two syllables away from enacting the slaughter rule.

Adam tells Mark his work is cut out for him. The gloves are off, it's no-holds-barred, and many other cliches.

7:11 NEWS

Britney Spears confirmed that she is pregnant last night on David Letterman. She assured everyone that the baby belongs to Kevin Federline. Now, she's fighting rumors of a surprise divorce.

7:19 SPORTS

NBA.
Pistons up 2-0 in the playoffs.
Clippers vs. Suns tonight.

MLB.
Dodgers. Giants. Mariners. Athletics. All winners.
Halos. Diamondbacks. Padres. All lost.

NHL.
Mighty Ducks up 2-0 after a win against Colorado last night.

7:33 WHAT CAN'T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It's time to play What Can't Adam Complain About? He starts at the top of the phone bank, he powers through to the bottom, and he doesn't know the topics ahead of time.

The first topic: Library cards. Libraries are useless, Adam says. Plus, he's just got a bad taste in his mouth because his dad used to borrow record albums.

Whore houses. It sounds a lot like warehouse, but never have two "houses" been further apart. He likes "brothel" better.

Lactating. Some guys are into that, and Adam doesn't understand that.

Adam Carolla. Well, he got a bad genetic hand dealt to him. Just look at his teeth.

Tivo. Adam loves the Tivo, but he doesn't like the creepy Tivo mascot. Who decided we need a mascot for every damn thing? It's just a souped up VCR, do we need a creepy little alien TV thing? Adam just assumes that thing is watching everything he does, and compiling a "Best Of What Carolla Watches" that he can share with his Tivo friends around the world.

Rosie O'Donnel announces she's not coming back on television. Is this a hypothetical? Adam can't do it. If he starts complaining about stuff that hasn't happened yet, his head will explode.

7:52 BIG TAD WAS LATE AGAIN

Brusca points out that Tad was, for roughly the sixtieth time, late this morning. He's got two jobs: be here on time and get things ready, then clean up after everybody after the show ends. Tad comes back -- he's got to be gone to do sticker stops by 10:30 in the morning. But the show's over at 9:50. That's so much time to just pick up some papers and close up a few laptops.

Dave asks if Tad has any issues with Brusca. A little, yes. He's always out there doing his job, looking stuff up on the computer, etc., and Brusca always walks by and assumes that he's not doing anything.

7:58 THE BATHROOM

Adam and Dave have discussed in the past that there is constantly someone on one of the toilets in the bathroom outside the studio. Adam figures, this must be the only toilet in West Hollywood.

Big Tad's punishment for being late is to sit in the bathroom, in "toilet time out."

8:10 DOUG THE INDIAN INTERN

Serjeet, aka Doug, is in studio to do the Hollywood Report. But first, they have to check in with Big Tad in the bathroom. Billy and Jaron were in there, so Tad just started farting until they all ran out. Leave him alone with his thoughts, Dave says.

8:20 SOMEONE'S IN THE HANDICAPPED POTTY

Big Tad checks in from the bathroom. Someone's in the handicapped toilet, and thank god, it doesn't smell. Adam has Tad tell the dude to give him a courtesy flush anyway.

8:32 A LATE ADDITION

Dave makes a late addition to the jerk report -- Rich Banks, the guy who wrote Dave's "mini-Adam" intro music. JERK.

8:35 BIG TAD

Big Tad checks in from the bathroom again. He's guessing everyone is listening to the show, and nobody is coming into the bathroom. An interesting ploy, Adam thinks.

8:36 THE JERK REPORT

Two weeks in a row, Pat O'Brien has called in and talked about his Christmas party, that Adam is invited to, but Dave isn't. JERK.

David Blaine, so-called magician, attempted to break the world record for holding his breath underwater, and likened himself to Houdini. JERK.

The Duke LaCrosse story -- the strippers are lying, the players are lying, we don't know what's going on. Someone involved in that -- JERK. That's sort of a carpet bombing, Adam points out.

Yesterday, Dave was providing a service -- naming the best kind of potato. One of them was french fries. That lead into a discussion of the best kind of french fry, and he named shoestring fries are the best. Adam "mmmmmm'd" him, and so did Teresa. JERK.

Let it be known, jerks of the world -- the rebel alliance is growing. Solo, Chewbacca, Dameshek, and you, the listener. We're all watching you.

Robbie from the message board writes in and points out that Matt Leinart is now making time with Paris Hilton. He's going to give Matt a pass on that one, though.

All those coal mining stories -- who the hell is using coal? Bryan points out that they use it all over the world. Dave screams, "I don't need to be shown up!"

Yesterday, he was printing out the Jerk Report, and the printer jammed. Dave punched the printer, but it didn't fix the problem. Technology has come so far that punching things to fix them doesn't work anymore. The people who have advanced technology to that point -- JERKS.

And now, it's time for the Creep of the Week. It's a man you may or may not have heard of, and he plays professional baseball. This week, he hit a home run. A U.S. serviceman caught that ball. And this man refused to sign the baseball.

His name, is Barry Bonds.

8:56 LARISSA THE INTERN

Adam asks if Larissa had a late night, because she looks tired. No, she was just hanging out with her Dad last night.

8:57 HOME IMPROVEMENT TIP

Matt calls in with a question about stucco.

9:17 GUESS THE MOVIE QUOTE

Ozzie reads a movie quote, and some callers try to guess what it is, for a $100 Hooters gift certificate.

After burning through a lot of callers, they finally get a correct guess -- Cool Hand Luke.

9:26 ROB AND SCOTT NEIDERMEIER

Rob and Scott Neidermeier from the Anaheim Mighty Ducks come on the line. Dave conducts an interview that Adam can only describe as "hard-hitting."

9:40 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN IN THE STUDIO

Christian is on the program, actually in the studio for the first time. He'll be performing at the Hollywood Improv tonight along with Jeff Ross, David Allen Grier, and many others. He's also brought his family to the station with him.

He does a little of his routine.

ADAM WITH JOEL HUIZENGA, DAVE ATTELL AND KATHY GRIFFIN

2006-05-09T10:14:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH JOEL HUIZENGA, DAVE ATTELL AND KATHY GRIFFIN -- 5am to 10am PST, May 9th, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 BABIES

Adam's wife Lynette went to the doctor yesterday, and the babies have now moved into the "birthing position." The boy has moved into what the doctor calls the "fetal position". Adam just heard "cobra", though. He's coiled up, and ready to strike. If done properly, there is no defense against that move.

6:02 BABY NAMES

Richard calls in with baby names. For the girl, Dallas. Kindof a stripper name, Adam says, but it's good. For the boy, Remo. Remo Carolla. It's a good name, Adam thinks. Here's how it works, Richard says: if he becomes like a senator, he's a badass. Senator Remo. But if he becomes a janitor, he's the badass janitor that you won't mess with. He's the janitor that has a baseball bat in his car. No, Adam says. He's the guy who was a trained Navy SEAL, but he got drummed out because he left some men behind when he pulled out of an op, and he cold-cocked the General when he called him on it.

Remo Carolla's the janitor who gets left behind when the terrorists come to take over the school. And of course, he sits in the bar at 2pm, and he's the only one in there. "Isn't it too early for tequila?", the bartender will ask. "Well, it's too late for beer." Those guys always have some weird line that nobody can figure out what it means, Adam says. And when bad stuff starts to go down, they'll be going "I've got a man on the inside. But I don't trust him." Dave yells out, "NO! YOU CAN'T! REMO'S IN THERE! ... Do it, drop the napalm." Lots of slow-motion running will ensue, Adam says. If you're ever running, and you switch to slow motion, brace yourself. Something's about to blow up behind you. But don't worry, Dave says -- the resulting explosion will throw you into the cardboard boxes and/or water safely.

Another listener calls in. She thinks Camden for the guy, and Torrance for the girl. Camden... did you think of Camden Yard when you came up with that, Adam asks? Oh yes, of course, she says. Did you really, Adam wonders? Because it sortof sounds like he reminded her. Okay, fine, she saw it on an apartment building. Tori's okay though, Dave says. Yeah, and Torrance is a crappy area of Los Angeles, Adam points out.

Dimitrius calls in with some names. For the boy, O'Shea. Adam likes that. And for the girl it really don't matter, he says, but you can always use Shanequa. The problem with that, Adam says, is that name has become the punchline of jokes about black names. Are there any white names that black people won't use, Dave asks? Adolf, Adam responds. Ah, yes, good one. Adam thinks it's time to bring that back, though. And he thinks he can bring it back. If the right celebrity names their kid Adolf, we can get it back in the mainstream.

Jeff calls in with more names. Tivo for the guy, and Tiva for the girl. Adam loves it! Teresa has concerns, though. What if the technology becomes outmoded, and it's like "Beta"? Dave has bigger concerns, though. Obviously, Tivo Carolla will never be as good as real Tivo.

Dennis comes on the line. He's sitting in the Jack in the Box drive through, ordering a number 18. What's a number 18, Adam asks? A breakfast burrito. Dennis asks if Adam wants anything? Some of those tacos, he says. Those tacos are fantastic, Dave points out. How is it that the price of fast food has stayed so stable, when gas has skyrocketed? In fact, everything except fast food prices have skyrocketed.

6:39 THE BEST POTATO PREPARATION

Dave has a list for us today: the Best Potato Preparation Methods.

Number one: the baked potato. Throw some butter in there, or in Brusca's case, throw in three tubs of better. Some salt. Some people like sour cream, but Dave's conventional.

Number two: mashed potatoes.

Number three: leonaisse, or "home fries."

Number four: au gratin.

Number five: french fries.

Those are the nominees. And now, the number one way to prepare a potato in 2006...

FRENCH FRIES!

That brings up a whole other list, Dave says. The best french fries. You've got your steak fries, and your curly fries, and your wedges, or maybe a shoestring cut. Adam likes the waffle fries.

And now, the number one french fry...

SHOESTRING!

Teresa says this list is like one of those Russian dolls.

6:53 LASIK

Dr. James Johnson at The Axis Eye Institute in Irvine, CA did a Lasik procedure for Big Tad, because he was sick of futzing with glasses or contacts. Adam points out that this saline solution stuff for contacts seems like a huge hassle.

Teresa asks Big Tad how the procedure itself was. It took about eight minutes per eye, and it was "pretty trippy."

7:00 I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH YOU

A listener calls in. He thinks he went to high school with Adam. They do a few questions, and figure out they really did go to high school together. The caller tells a story about Mr. Walters, their shop teacher.

7:10 SOME FREE ADVICE

James "Lights Out" Toney gives a little advice to someone who's overweight and battling a candy addiction.

7:12 WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

A listener calls in with the answer to Adam's question of "What does 20/20 vision mean?" She goes into her answer, but Adam stops her, because it's boring.

7:14 NEWS

Zacharius Moussaoui withdrew his guilty plea yesterday, saying that he was lying about his involvement with the 9/11 attacks. The judge immediately denied his request, stating that it against the law to withdraw a plea once sentence has been passed.

According to a Swedish study published today, lesbians react to female pheremones much in the same way that straight men do.

After spending a week in an underwater tank, David Blaine attempted to hold his breath for an extended period of time. He managed to stay down there for six minutes, two minutes shy of the world record.

7:21 SPORTS

NBA.
Phoenix took Game 1 against the Clippers.

7:39 JOEL HUIZENGA, THE NO-LIE MRI GUY

Adam likes to use this show to make you laugh, of course. But he also likes to make you think. So, if you're in your car, close your eyes and think about this. Lie detection in the past has just determined whether or not the person was nervous when they were lying. The diabolical guys can "beat it." It's totally bogus, Joel says. What these guys do, is use a "magnetic resonance imager", or MRI, combined with special software, to determine whether or not someone is lying to within 95% accuracy.

This thing could revolutionize the justice system, Adam thinks. When you hear about the money the taxpayers spend on these high profile court cases, and all the systems involved, we could save millions and millions of dollars and months or even years of time. Something like the O.J. Simpson case would've been over in an afternoon by just putting O.J. into this machine. They'd have to agree to take the test, Joel points out. But of course, they would agree if they wanted to exonerate themselves.

Is society afraid of this, Adam asks? Yes, of course they are, Joel says. White lies are the glue that holds society together. Very interesting, Adam says.

What if they wanted to put Big Tad through this process? It's about $30 per minute, and there's a minimum of ten minutes, just for setting up.

(Listen to the entire interview, and then read about when Adam had this idea back in February on the blog entry for the February 17th show.)

8:05 MAVERICK ENTERS THE STUDIO

The Deaf Frat Guy, a.k.a. Maverick, is on the program. They ask him what report or segment he wants to do -- anything. He'll do anything they want as long as he can land a job at the station.

Maverick talks about his thesis paper -- a comparison between gang signs in Los Angeles, and American sign language.

8:34 DAVE ATTELL IN THE STUDIO

Dave Attell is on the program. He'll be appearing alongside Christian the 13-year-old comedian, Jeff Ross, David Allen Grier and more, at the Hollywood Improv tomorrow, May 10th. The entire Carolla crew is going to be present as well, with Adam emceeing.

Adam mentions that Dave did the Insomniac comedy tour with Dane Cook. Dave says that Dane is the Austria/Hungary to his Luxembourg. Adam's not sure that Dane Cook should be more famous than Dave Attell, though -- he's good, but is he that much better? Dave says he's got to hire a bounty hunter to find his career.

How talented is Dave Attell, Dameshek asks, to be sitting here doing a radio show, and at the same time, be leafing through a newspaper? He's looking for topical humor, he says. It's important to use current events.

There's only about 30 tickets left to the show, so if you want one, hit up HollywoodImprov.com.

(Hear the entire Dave Attell interview over at Adam's website.)

9:10 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:18 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:31 KATHY GRIFFIN IN THE STUDIO

Kathy Griffin has joined the program. The second season of her Bravo TV show, "My Life on the D List", begins soon. Ryan Seacrest hung up on her yesterday, she says. She got invited onto the Ryan Seacrest Show, so she called in, but he was asking loaded questions. She felt like he was trying to take her down on his "home turf." Basically, she got a little hostile with him, and he just hung up on her.

Are you watching Idol, Adam asks? Of course she loves the juggernaut that is American Idol. But every time she sees Seacrest, she has to hang up on herself.

(Hear Adam and Kathy's entire conversation over at Adam's site.)

ADAM WITH STEVER WERNER, JAY THOMAS

2006-05-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

ADAM WITH STEVER WERNER, JAY THOMAS -- 5am to 10am PST, May 8, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 TERESA STRASSER IN THE STUDIO

Teresa is in studio doing the news -- today, and from now on. Adam says it was a toss-up between Teresa and Claudia, they put it out to the people, and everyone overwhelmingly picked Teresa.

The way Adam works, he points out, is simple -- he smiles and nods and gets along with everyone at work, but he isn't really there to make friends. The longer he's talking to you, the longer he's thinking about work, and if he's thinking about work, his hourly rate goes down.

Teresa understands.

6:05 CINCO DE MAYO

Dave says Teresa showed up just a little too late, because she missed the huge Cinco de Mayo party on Friday. Of course, the booze flowed freely, and, once again, Angie had a little incident.

Apparently, Angie had enough, that she found Brusca attractive.

6:25 DAG'S HOUSE

Adam went to David Allen Grier's house over the weekend. It's a pretty spacious place up in the Hills, overlooking the San Fernando Valley. It's full of all kinds of cool stuff -- pool, wine room, humador -- the kind of stuff you can't have if you're married. He lives up there just by himself, with his two dogs. He's got cool motorcycles, too -- just the whole works. When he was leaving, he thought, wow, how cool is that?

Of course, if it were a 47-year-old woman that had the same situation, Adam would think: "How sad." Dave laughs -- what's Adam saying, his life wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't for the wife and kids.

6:30 DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES UPDATE

The Ed from Las Vegas comes on the line to do the Desperate Housewives update.

6:46 STEVE WERNER IN THE STUDIO

Steve Werner is on the program. He had a brain tumor the size of a ping-pong ball, and his dog actually was able to sniff it out and alert him, so they could remove it before it could really affect him.

Apparently, his dog had been smelling his ear constantly, for weeks on end. He was feeling the affects of the tumor already, with a ringing in the same ear. He saw a special on TV about dogs being able to sniff out cancer, and finally it clicked.

Everything's got it's own scent, Adam says. You can train these dogs to sniff out anything, and it doesn't really matter what kind of dog it is. To wit, they should switch to gynecologist dogs. How many women just don't want to deal with the gynecologist visit? Meanwhile, they've got an infection eating away at their fallopian tubes.

(Here Steve's entire interview on Adam's Free FM site.)

6:53 LEGALIZE IT!

A listener calls in. He wonders why this isn't getting any attention: Mexico is thiiiiis close to legalizing most drugs for personal use. The United States is putting tremendous pressure on the Mexican government to not do this.

This has nothing to do with dogs or tumors, Adam says. Furthermore, who cares about Mexico? It's a lawless country. People are already going there to get steroids and hookers all the time. Anything is legal there if you've got $100 in your pocket. It's just a big, lawless dump with a horribly corrupt government, and the people are fleeing their horribly corrupt government and coming here. Other than that, the division between San Diego and Mexico is just a line in the damn sand.

7:06 OZZIE LOVES TERESA

Oswaldo is in the studio on Teresa's first day as full-time news girl, to tell her he's a big fan, and he loves her news. You can't change the news, but you can make it better, Adam says.

The other night, Oswaldo says he had a nightmare where Jaron touched his butt. Ozzie asked, what are you doing? But he didn't say anything. All he knows, Adam says, is that Ozzie has the hots for Jaron.

Additionally, why is it that Ozzie can say Jaron, but not Adam?

7:10 THE FIGHT

A listener calls in and asks what Adam thought of the Oscar de la Hoya fight over the weekend. It was a great fight, Adam says. He watched it over the weekend with David Allen Grier.

One thing that's funny about Oscar de la Hoya, Adam says, is that he is always very quiet and humble before the fight. His opponents will be out there screaming bloody murder, with tattoos all over their body and talking so much trash. Meanwhile, Oscar is just saying "Well, this weekend we'll see who's the better fighter." So quiet, so polite. And then, they get out there, and Oscar just takes them to school. And it's because he's the better fighter. It's a sport, and Oscar has been doing it since he was 8 years old. And people tend to forget that.

7:15 NEWS

President Bush, in an interview yesterday, stated that his worst moment in office was, of course, 9/11. But his best was strange: he mentioned a large fish he caught.

Nicole Richie has finally admitted publically that she is too thin. Adam says he could swap Nicole Richie with a mop handle and nobody would notice.

Good news for virgins! A brothel in Berlin is now offering a discount for first-timers. Prostitutes at the brothel are given sensitivity training, as many of the first timers are 40 years of age or older.

7:26 SPORTS

The Suns brought shame to Kobe and the Lakers.

Mighty Ducks are now up 2-0 in the NHL playoffs.

7:44 JAY THOMAS IN THE STUDIO

Jay Thomas, actor and comedian, is on the program. He was in the movie Mr. Holland's Opus and as well as the TV show Mork & Mindy, and he was also on the radio in Los Angeles at Power 106 for a number of years.

Jay's also got his own show on Sirius Satellite Radio. He says they need to watch what they talk about, because of the scandals involved.

He couldn't believe that Adam was actually spending his own money on The Adam Carolla Project. On shows like Win Ben Stein's Money, it's just a gimmick -- Ben's bank account isn't actually getting debited when he loses. But on this show, Adam was really spending his own cash. That's just the stupidest thing he's ever heard, Jay says. Yeah, Adam agrees, and plus, he hired his own J-O crew to do the project, and they spent a lot of time swimming in the neighbor's pool.

Dave sounds a lot like Adam, Jay thinks. It's like he's got a little miniature Adam. Which is good, though -- if he's ever sick, he's got a fill-in that sounds like him. On Jay's Sirius show, his fill-in sounds nothing like him.

8:26 THE HOTTIE

A listener calls in -- she's a hottie in Los Angeles, and she's 25 years old. And on top of that, she's single. Adam tells her to come on down to the station and let him see her. She doesn't want to, though. She's at work at a real estate agency. Well no problem, they'll give the agency a plug if she comes down. She still says she can't do it, though. They go back and forth, with Adam trying to convince her, before he finally gets frustrated and tells her to just hang up.

"This is why we hate hot chicks," he says.

8:31 OZZIE'S REVIEW

Oswaldo is on the program, reviewing Mission: Impossible 3.

8:44 FRANK VINCENT ON THE PHONE

Frank Vincent, a.k.a. Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos, is on the program to talk about last night's episode.

9:04 WOULD YOU RATHER...?

Dave poses a hypothetical question to Adam: would you rather make out for five minutes with your sister, or with Jimmy Kimmel? Adam brings up that they did this with Mike Dawson, the new technical producer. Dave kept asking him, and Mike kept replying "I don't have a sister." It's a hypothetical question! HYPOTHETICAL!

They go around the room seeing everyone's answers.

9:21 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:26 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:40 PEREZ HILTON IN THE STUDIO

Perez Hilton is on the program. His Hollywood gossip website gets over 600,000 hits per day. "Jesus", exclaims Dave. He's going to dish some dirt for us.

On Saturday, he wrote how allegedly, Scientologists were going to the Arclight Cinema on Sunset and buying tickets to Mission: Impossible 3 en masse. How do they do that, Adam wonders? They go to the ticket window. He knows that. But are they dressing differently? Or what?

Perez loves it when he reports something on his site, and then he hears "real" media report on that. It gives him an aire of legitimacy. Are there any celebrities that read the site? Steve-O does, for sure.

9:53 PEREZ HILTON, DISHIN THE DIRT

Tori Spelling got married on Sunday on a private island in Fiji, and she did, in fact, wear white.

Adam Sandler and his wife welcomed a new baby girl to the world. They don't have a name yet, but the kid's doin good.

Britney Spears has recently hired a babysitter, because Kevin Federline can't watch their kid. She's also cut his allowance.

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise just came to terms on a pre-nuptial agreement.

ADAM ON CINCO DE MAYO WITH BOOZE, STEAKS, JOE GANNASCOLI AND CHERYL HINES

2006-05-05T10:02:00.000-07:00

ADAM ON CINCO DE MAYO WITH BOOZE, STEAKS, JOE GANNASCOLI AND CHERYL HINES

6:00 BRYAN IS THE NEW MIKE

Bryan is sitting in for Mike on the sound board today.

6:03 CINCO DE MAYO

In celebration of Cinco de Mayo, there's a Mariachi band in the studio. They play a little ditty.Ozzie is barbecuing flapsteak for everybody right now. Any fans of the TV show will already know that Ozzie can take a dollar worth of steak and turn it into gold. Dave says he had the honor of trying some of it a week or two ago, and he was totally sold.A few people call in to wish Adam and the crew a Happy Cinco de Mayo. Adam points out how right the Mexicans have things. Look at the Jews: they flog themselves. The Mexicans have holidays where all they do is just booze.

6:33 BRANDON'S RETORT

Brandon does a very special Cinco de Mayo edition of a limerick about Mark the Poet.

6:44 ALL THE SAME

The great thing about mariachi songs, Adam says, is that there's only like twelve of them. The Mexicans kept it pretty clean when it came to the music -- not a whole lot of songs to choose from. It makes things a lot easier.

6:45 A TRAGIC STORY

Recently in the news, a 37-year-old son killed her mother, chopped her up, and grilled her body parts. Dave wonders what's going on in the head of that father. They are going to do a little re-enactment, with Dave as the son, and Adam as the father.

(To hear this and other re-enactments Dave and Adam have cooked up, check out the Re-Enactments on Adam's Extra Podcasts.)

7:02 JOE GANNASCOLI ON THE PHONE

Joe Gannascoli, most recently known as "Gay Vito" from The Sopranos, is on the line. He's got a cookbook novel coming out, based on his own life. Before he got into acting and what not, he was a real chef.

7:11 NEWS

Patrick Kennedy is in the news for crashing his car in the middle of the night. He is claiming that he was demented a little bit by Ambien at the time.

Donald Rumsfeld was called a "liar" by some protestors in Atlanta.

Mission: Impossible 3 comes out today.

7:21 SPORTS

Suns took down the Lakers in OT.

7:38 BILLY MOSES IN THE STUDIO

Billy Moses, the webmaster of AdamCarolla.com, is in the studio. Adam is still looking for a prom date for Billy. She doesn't even have to go to the same school, or even go to school at all, he says -- she just has to be listening right now.

"How would you describe yourself?", Dave asks. Well, I'm not attractive, Billy responds. Everybody groans. Don't say that! Never say that. It's sortof like Starbucks. You're not "small", you're "tall." You're not ugly, there's just other people that are more attractive than you.

They've got the number of one of the girls who goes to Billy's high school. They were going to give her a call and see if they can hook something up. But, when they dial the number, it plays a message basically explaining that it's a fake number, Billy's been rejected. Adam explains that this isn't a pre-recorded bit. It's a real thing. Dave is flabbergasted. "What the hell kind of thing is this?!"

Since Billy is the latest addition to the cast, he's going to be doing his karoke intro song. He didn't seem to know who the song he is going to sing was by, Adam points out. Why'd he pick it? "It's all good, thanks, Brusca."

A listener calls in. She wants that rejection number. Dave tells her she can only have it if she goes to prom with Billy. She's 32, though -- she can't go to a prom. That's no problem, Billy says. Dave asks if maybe Billy should just go to the prom with Molly, Adam's dog.

Billy busts out his karaoke, to the tune of Su-Su-Sudio by Phil Collins.

8:22 CHERYL HINES IN THE STUDIO

Cheryl Hines from "Curb Your Enthusiam" is in the studio. Adam is still riffing on his dog Molly, which prompts Cheryl to tell a little story about her dog.

She's currently appearing in the movie RV, which was the number one comedy this past weekend. "Thanks everybody", Cheryl says.

(Hear the entire interview on 971freefm.com!)

8:40 HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS

Adam's going to ask Cheryl some hypothetical questions.

8:56 DOUG THE INTERN

Doug the Intern is in the studio, to do his Hollywood Update.

9:14 DRINKING

Adam comes back wondering where the hell Ozzie is, and why he's not grilling their steaks yet. He's full of excuses, Brusca says. Dave's cracked his first beer of the day finally, though. Wouldn't it be great if, after having one beer, Dave got pulled over for a DUI on his way home from the studio? Adam says that's his point about the DUI laws. Someone can get arrested and get the same treatment for having the first and only beer of their life, as someone who's wasted out of their mind constantly.

This is why Adam calls for a "heavyweight" designation on his license. He's confident he can funnel a sixer, then run an obstacle course. And if he can do that, he should be able to drink and drive after a few beers.

9:18 OZZIE CHECKS IN

Ozzie and his crew have arrived on the roof of the parking garage, and they've begun the cookout. "Where the hell have you been," Adam wonders? He had to pick up all of the supplies, and marinate the meat, and get it all prepared. But now, they're cooking, so it's only a matter of time.

9:23 NEWS RECAP

Stacey recaps the news.

9:25 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:40 THE FINAL CHECK-IN

It's too late to enjoy on the air, but Ozzie is finally getting everything prepared and it should all be ready by the time the show is over.